[kiwi215]

Does anyone feel like they use therapy for the "wrong" reasons? Let me explain...

I think a big part of where my BPD comes from is lack of secure attachment with my mom... or dad... or anyone really... ever. I didn't have a mother figure in my life who was consistently nurturing and "there for me." Emotional neglect, basically. So the attachment symptom of BPD is huge for me. I attach to and idolize people often and very easily. Usually... no, almost always... they are women who are a little bit older than me. They are people that I find pretty and nurturing and essentially flawless. Like the ideal mother figure would be to me. I want them to take care of me. Now sometimes, this happens with therapists (I'm on my 10th now). There is often some transference going on with them... like I want them to take the role of a mom for me. And as my BPD self has learned over the years, being sick or hurt is what gets me the most attention and the kind of attention that I like. So sometimes I find that I am exaggerating the symptoms of my mental illnesses. Or even actually keeping myself sick when I know I could try harder and make changes that would help me overcome my mental illnesses. But without my illnesses, who am I? Without them, would I still get the attention and care that I crave and need? Therapy is usually the highlight of my week. I often find myself missing being an inpatient and being in residential care. I know there are other, healthier ways to receive this kind of care and attention and get those needs met without being sick, but there's such a huge barrier in regards to that for me. And it's frustrating because part of me wants to really overcome the BPD and other diagnoses, but a bigger part of me feels like I should hold onto it. Like I don't want to lose the diagnoses. I don't want to lose therapy. And so what does one do when they're using therapy as a way to keep them sick, essentially? At least that's what I feel like I've done over the years. But I also feel that I really do need therapy to recover. So I don't quite know what to do about that... It's like the very thing that is supposed to help me get better is the thing that I use to keep me sick. I feel like I'm abusing it, but I love it. I'm addicted, in a sense. It's like a drug.

Has anyone else had similar experiences, and if so, what did you do to overcome it?

[Deejay14]

This seems like a great discussion to have with your therapist. If you can't tell your therapist, print your post and bring it to your appointment. I think chances are about nil that you will lose your therapist.

[MoxieDoxie]

Thank you for being so honest. A lot of this resonates with me. I however go for the male therapist and want them to play the parent role and care for me. I attach right away to them if they even show any caring. I do not keep myself sick but I crave the attention I would get more when I am in a crisis. I do not like being mentally sick and I have felt what it is like to be the best possible adult self going about life and getting things done and I also like that too. It just does not hang around long enough.

I tried not having a therapist for almost 3 years. It was rough but having a therapist is rough also because of the painful attachment. My T now really does not let me get a way with much and challenges my thoughts. Work is actually getting done in session and I feel he can get me to a better place and having my adult self out more often instead of my child part.

Anyway I am told I no longer meet the criteria for BPD but I sure do still feel like I am.

[kiwi215]

Hey, thanks for sharing. I think for me it's going to be about "testing out" that best possible adult self, as you put it. Well, not that I can just magically flip a switch and be that way, but I do see the value in experiencing what can seem scary and then discovering that it can be empowering. I used to have anorexia and went to inpatient treatment and all that and it took a couple years to fully recover, but now that I've experienced life free from that, I don't have any desire to run back to that. But of course I still have other diagnoses, including BPD, that warrant therapy, so I think maybe that helped me let go of the anorexia because I knew I still had something. Anyway, I'll try to keep in mind that there is life beyond mental illness. Tackling one diagnosis at a time I guess.

Thanks!