[MDDBPDPTSD]

Just sitting around with this disease can be incredibly difficult. I am experiencing severe depression and my medication is 💩 pooped out after a decade of working. I am in the midst of TMS and I cannot make any changes to my meds right now. So I sit with this. Too depressed to do anything. Too unmotivated to try. To fatigued to attempt. To eat up with self pity to make effective change. To overwhelmed with self loathing to do self care. So I just sit with this disease. With all the negative thoughts running through my head. Thoughts of self harm, self destruction, prior abuse, and a sense of dread and doom. Trying to hold onto my faith in God and my family and friends. Trying to remember that not every day is this bad. Yes things have been really bad for several weeks. But it is not going to stay this way forever. Something will change. The TMS will stop 🛑 and it might work. If so, then I will feel better then. If not, then I can try new meds until I find one that works again. yes the doctors say there is less than a 6% chance of finding another medication that is effective at this point. But new medication comes out every year. So I will just sit. I will remind myself that wanting to die is not really me. It is a lie from the disease and the disease is from the enemy who seeks to kill steal and destroy. I don’t really wanna die. I really want to help my children and grandchildren and friends. I really want to be a blessing to them and to others. I really want to share love and light and life. Even though I feel filled with darkness and weighted down with depression. But I remember days when I could encourage others. I remember days when my beloved granddaughter came to me for advice. I remember when my close friend confided in me and we prayed together. I remember when my daughter needed me to help raise her children. There were days when I was useful. That could happen again. And my loved ones are worth the effort of sitting through this. It is horrible. Some of them try to understand, but most are over trying. They tried in the past and don’t see the point of trying anymore. One even said to me,” There is no point in trying to help you. You don’t do anything we suggest anyway.” Which is mostly accurate. What she fails to understand is how debilitating this really is. She has battled depression before but it wasn’t like this. This depression is not responsive to just making a decision to keep moving and defeating it. It doesn’t work that way. But, since that worked for her in the past, it must work for me too, right? Nope! Depression is like any other illness: there are those who have it to a lesser or greater degree than others. If I have diabetes type 2, then I might be able to control my blood sugar with diet and exercise. But I might not be able to get control with only those methods. I might need some medication or I might need insulin as well. For some folks, they need all methods and still live precarious lives when it comes to controlling blood sugar. And people get that. But when it comes to depression, they don’t get it. Being determined to beat depression and deciding to put one foot in front of the other doesn’t work for everyone. And when it doesn’t work for me, then they assume it’s because I am not trying. And if I am not trying, I am probably doing it for attention. Or because I like being sick? 🤔🙄🤨. They really do think these things.
Anyone who knows me knows that I detest being the center of attention. I really hate it because I am very insecure and self-conscious. So how can they really think I do it for attention? Well, if they thought it through, they’d know I am not. But what about doing it because I like being sick? If they had any idea of the amount of pain and suffering I have, they would realize how ridiculous that is. I live on the edge. I desire love and safety in my life above all else. This disease has caused me to be so unsafe. I can’t make a living and provide for myself. I am constantly looking at bills being late and disconnection notices. There is no safety in this. And it hinders any relationship I have as well. Why would I want to be sick? With this especially? It gets me zero sympathy. Zero help from family (because they think I chose this) zero benefits except for a great therapist. So I sit. Day after day I sit with the disease. I use my DBT skills to minimize the effects. And I sit.
I am so tired. This is a tough thing to live with. Even if I allow it to kill me, if I give up, (which I won’t) it won’t help my family to understand. They’ll just continue to think I am selfish. They have no idea how much I love them. They have no idea how much I endure just to stay alive for the possibility that I might be able to help them and bless them at some point. So I sit alone with my faithful dog. She doesn’t understand either. But she always cares. And she sits with me.
I am so grateful for my dog and her sitting.

[ShadowGX]

Animals are great like that, aren't they? no matter how miserable you feel or what you are as a person, treat them decently and they'll be there for you. I'm so sorry that you lack people support. People can be such a pain in the butt sometimes. >:\ But you can do this without them, just keep fighting like you are!