[callingforthesun]

i just dont get why its so hard. i feel like theres some huge instruction booklet that i missed. i constantly feel not good enough, like a depressed, broken piece of ****. he wants me to care about things like picking out new furniture. im just trying to get through the ****ing day. im so clueless as to what it takes to have a relationship and be somebodys partner. i am trying SO HARD. and its never good enough. the whole way i am and they way i think negates every good thing i try to do. im defensive and *****y and according to him, thats just who i am and who i will always be. and i tell him over and over that i will change but i obviously dont. i just want to get drunk as **** and cut myself because i obviously just suck at life and will never be happy. i should just let myself die in a ditch.

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. Although I can certainly relate to what you wrote, I don't know as I have any oarticularaly useful suggestions to offer you. So here are links to 6 articles, from PC's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help:

When You Feel Absolutely Awful About Yourself—Regularly

Breaking Free from the Bonds of Badness

How to Stop Punishing Yourself

On Hating Yourself Less

8 Steps to Like Yourself (More)

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/weigh...love-yourself/

My best wishes to you...

[GoldenSnitch]

I think this is something a lot of us can relate to. I don’t think you’re a bad person, you just have some struggles. Survival is number one priority and some days that’s all you can do. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Lots of hugs.

[Caprinaholic]

Originally Posted by callingforthesun

i just dont get why its so hard. i feel like theres some huge instruction booklet that i missed. i constantly feel not good enough, like a depressed, broken piece of ****. he wants me to care about things like picking out new furniture. im just trying to get through the ****ing day. im so clueless as to what it takes to have a relationship and be somebodys partner. i am trying SO HARD. and its never good enough. the whole way i am and they way i think negates every good thing i try to do. im defensive and *****y and according to him, thats just who i am and who i will always be. and i tell him over and over that i will change but i obviously dont. i just want to get drunk as **** and cut myself because i obviously just suck at life and will never be happy. i should just let myself die in a ditch.

It doesn't sound like this person is good for you. It's hard for anyone on the outside to understand what it's like having BPD, but they should be sympathetic and support your desire to improve rather than putting you down. My boyfriend and I have our problems but that isn't one of them. If anything we both think the other person is better than ourselves, and encourage them to work on things we can't or won't do. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not, lol.

[Misfit Toy]

I hope you are feeling better than when you posted this. I have times where I want to die, and feel like a burden. With this kind of disorder, it seems like it will never get better when I am there, but it always passes, at least for a little while.

I have been married for 30 years. My husband has his own deal, so he has a lot of empathy for me. I have often wondered why he hasn't been run off by my relapses, but he hangs in there. I threaten to leave, and yell. I dissociate. I self harm. He puts up with it, although he gets mad and hurt. I wish it was different. I wish this illness didn't tell me that nobody cares, even a man who has stayed with me for 30 years.

Why would anyone want to be with someone who is like this? I am not sure. How do they stay when I push them away? Don't know. But there are people who can. Since this is who I am, I am lucky I found somebody who is understanding and patient. I try really hard to make the good parts good, cause I know what the bad parts are like. Even if I have to pretend during the good parts, like shopping for things for him, it is worth it to see him happy. MT