[AzulOscuro]

Do you share that dream with me?
I always missed to belong to a group to fit in. Call it family, call it family friends. Being nothing else and nothing more that one part of it. I valuable part, with her characteristics, her personality and being accepted in my differences and my similarities. Only enjoyed it in my childhood but still I had a feeling of inferiority.
My social anxiety, my insecurities always prevent me from enjoying something like this. I was close to have it several occasions and I swear that there were one of the best moments in my life. I got afraid of being discovered in my own inabilities and insecurities, so I ran away. I sabotaged myself. I got afraid of calling the attention for my lack of skills and my anxiety.
Each time, I see a group of people in life, on TV...I have such a feeling of sadness for what I never had the guts to get (sorry my language).

[reps_as_pets]

Uggh I know that feeling well. (((Safe hugs)))

[AzulOscuro]

I found a quote about friendship by a Spanish writer.
It seems that when you are thinking or working on an idea, all come together as a casualty, or maybe, it’s that you are only more receptive to the stimuli related to.

He said: True friendship multiplies the good in life and divides its evils.

Suddenly, a memory came to my mind. It’s a sad and very painful experience.
I was chatting with someone. Let’s call that person F ( for friend) and I was told how F used to hide in the toilets to have F’s lunch when being at Secondary Education. F felt rejected but F also was previously bullied.
Noone should live that experience.

[AzulOscuro]

Don’t want anyone who can read this thread misunderstand me. I’m very lucky and I never was attacked. I’m the only responsible for my own withdrawal.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by reps_as_pets

Uggh I know that feeling well. (((Safe hugs)))

Can I ask you what do you think it’s behind that feeling in your case? (Don’t feel forced to reply, please)

[Caprinaholic]

Definitely familiar. People in general desire to feel like they belong because we're social animals, and I think BPD heightens that because it makes us feel "normal." I've bounced around a lot but any time I find something that makes me part of a group (whether it's a hobby, school, job, etc) I feel really good about myself and tend to function better (depending on the group itself - more stable people who are functional themselves are more helpful.)

[MDDBPDPTSD]

I don’t feel like I belong anywhere either. Even in my family. I raised 4 children to adulthood. Much of who they are is because of me, good and bad. ( Not all of course). And now that I am old and I need them, they make it clear they are not available to help. I am so saddened by this. I know I was not the best mother. But all of them know I love them and knew that from the very early childhood.
I guess I expected them to love me back.
They say they do, well 3 of them do anyway. But I am getting too sick to live on my own much longer and no one wants me.
I have tried fitting in other places too. But except for a religious cult , I have not found acceptance anywhere. I just think of that old hymn, “This world is not my home. I’m just a-passing through. My treasures are laid up some where beyond the blue. The angels beckon me from heavens open door. I can’t feel at home in this world anymore.” Of course I never felt at home in this world.
I don’t belong here. It is very difficult to stay here. But I cannot leave. So I isolate myself because it hurts less. And it is easier to keep the secret that I don’t belong. The fewer people who know, the safer I am from their abuse and torment and rejection. I pray that I can leave soon and not have to suffer prolonged illness and inability to perform basic care of myself. But that is in God’s hands. Not mine. Maybe one day He will help me understand why I had to live a life of suffering and pain. But even the pain would be lessened if I belonged here. If I could find acceptance and real love from fellow creatures, it would still be painful, but certainly less so. Suffering in isolation is bad but suffering with ridicule is much worse. I can imagine that suffering in the midst of loving accepting people wouybe better still.
I HATE this disease. I pray that all of us with it will find a way through. Know that I am willing to accept fellow sufferers and I do care. I don’t have anything else to offer because my resources are depleted and I am so tired.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( hugs )))))))))