Please read my story (repressed BPD traits?)

Hi everyone,
Hope it’s ok for me to post here. I am being assessed currently for BPD and other things that look like BPD. I do have a lot of the traits of quiet BPD but feel they were most obvious when I was a teenager until I was shamed and abandoned for my impulsive and slightly manipulative behaviour (I think I was crying out for help) by the adults around me (teachers, friends and friends parents etc)

I was abandoned by my friend group as their parents were encouraged by teachers to keep their kids away from me as there was something ‘mentally wrong’ with me and that I was a bad influence etc. It didn’t help that I had substance abuse issues too (something I did alone to cope and not with peers) and although I didn’t ever do anything bad, I guess I was just labelled as bad and I knew it as my friends told me what our teachers had told their parents.

The humiliation of being abandoned and having to go in and get through each day alone while I knew what everyone thought of me (peers and teachers) was completely traumatising, it went on for 2 years, I thought I’d never get out and I still have dreams of being back there in it.

I think after this experience I learned to suppress feelings and live in a way that stopped my BPD symptoms from ever showing again. Which has led me to isolate myself and be afraid of people. I started therapy because the suicidal thoughts were getting stronger and stronger. And since I started my BPD traits are coming out again and it terrifies me.

Anyway I guess what I wanted to ask you guys is if you think it is possible to live in such a way that you can suppress BPD symptoms? Does it work like that or am I way off? I feel like a liar and a fake and like I don’t have it as bad as others because I’ve felt like I have no feelings for years. But every time someone is kind to me I feel like my symptoms rear their ugly head and I run. It’s less painful for me to be around people who are mean or even abusive towards me because it will keep things under wraps if that makes sense

Would love to hear opinions from anyone with BPD
Thank you so much for reading