This part really scares me

The level of suicidality, as I'm sure with all with that BPD trait, comes and goes. Like the weather in the White Mountains where it ranges from unstabily okay to downright "if you're outside you're dead."

How do you not give in when it hits and you're planning and you're thinking you're through with getting to that space and everything in general, in level 10 crisis, but knowing it'll pass in a couple hours and you'll be ok for a bit, and then know it'll come back, and pass, and come back, and pass, but always come back?

I've been here too many times, and there's a pretty good chance I'll be back here in a more impulsive mindset (if I'm not already there) and just be done with coming back and do what's in my power to not leave and return.

I fking hate this. I don't want to be anymore. My treatment team, and even the psych eval at the ER, don't even take me seriously. My T commended me on being alive and asked me how I do it, and I don't even know. I survived a lot of things people shouldn't survive, so I'm pretty sure nothing can kill me.

I NEED OUT!

I'm not really planning on for sure doing anything, but I know full well I am capable of instantly getting to that place and refusing help let alone reaching out for it, and it just seems worse these days. But I was JUST hospitalized (for manic psychosis, not suicidal stuff) and that did shyt other than prove to my pdoc I should probably be on meds. I know no one gives a shyt if you say "I wanted to/planned on it yesterday, but this morning is ok so I'm good, but later in the day or tomorrow I'm sure I'll regret not (insert preparation action here)".

I hate myself sooooo much. I hate that others that know me either hate me or have deluded themselves/ I've manipulated into thinking I'm a chill person. Or free-spirited and spontaneous. Whatever works for them. Or the opposite.

Can I just be a God and take me apart, weld some shyt together, put some screws in, throw some paint on me, take away these thoughts, and add a bit of cushion for potential impacts. That cushion is important. I wish I had that, but I don't, so here I am, left to accept that I'm never going to be content with living.

Normally when I feel this way I'd call my treatment team's line, but they're sooooo fking useless. I know how to not hurt myself, it's not that fking hard. It's wanting to not hurt myself that's the issue. I deserve it. God knows. He sees the evil in me. He knows I made out with the devil and loved every second of it.

I hate my T. I hate her, hate her, hate her. I hate my CM too. My pdoc can go to hell. I swear I'm quitting treatment.

I swear to fking God. I swear. Fck. I'm going to eat my fking brains out and do what I can to sleep all day tomorrow. Those bastards can go fck themselves.

This wasn't as much of a problem when I was on opiates. I went 9 months without a hospitalization (longest since my first), and only OD'd once--wasn't bad either.

Can we all agree on luring a meteor in? Does anybody really WANT to live?

I even tried a non-my CMHC crisis line, and the dude straight up acted like a douche and transferred me to another person, and that took like 10 minutes. Fkin A man. I stay away from trigger words ("yes") and all I get is "use your coping skills" or sometimes "let's do some grounding techniques" well maybe I don't fking want to be grounded. Maybe the ground sucks.

I'm still alive, so obviously I'll always be alive. I've always managed, so obviously I'll always manage. I guess it's better to "be safe" frantically until I feel so alone and unsupported that I REALLY can't.

Well, I'm glad you are and guess what? So am I. What a miracle! Yes, I'm in a sarcastic mood but I don't mean to dismiss what you've said. I do the up & down stuff too and it IS scary. It scares my T so I know it must be bad. FYI don't bother with those hotlines. At best, they seem bored with it all. At worst, they're downright harmful.

I have no answer for you whatsoever. But please know that I look forward to your posts and I would miss you greatly if you "went away."

I'm chuckling about the meteor -- my wife and I say the same thing. I just hope it's a big enough one. Not a puny little thing that would create a dust cloud, alter the axis of rotation, and plunge us into an endless dark, bleak coldness.

What if two puny little things hit simultaneously from different, as close to opposite as possible angles? That'd be pretty cool to see.

Part of me thinks I shouldn't encourage this line of thinking, but..

Saw this, laughed my *** off, and am a little worried for your safety after posting that online