Borderline Emptiness

Fragmenting, tearful, agitated, defending with everything I have...all to avoid an emptiness that I thought I could hide away forever.

But, it is here...emptiness that hurts all the way to the deepest depths of my soul. A pain that has always been there, but the goal was to hide it away from even me.

But, it is here...emptiness that makes me nauseated, that hurts from the hair on my head to the tips of my toes.

Emptiness that can't be consoled, and that should have been filled by her (but, she didn't). Which I turned into deep self-hatred because I thought it was my fault.

Both emptiness and self-hatred make me want to just go away and not come back...too much pain and too many tears.

Dear (((CC))))

That type of emptiness cannot be filled by anyone else. That type of emptiness can only be filled by you and your HP - higher power. I do not know if you are spiritual or religious or not, but, it is my experience that when I allow my HP to fill my heart and to lead my actions, when I get in a conscious contact with my HP, in other words, I am never alone. But, when I block that contact, I could be in a room with 100 other people, and be all alone.

Have you considered going to your local church, mosque or synogogue? Have you thought of taking an adult religious class to awaken your spirit? Have you recently done something for others in need? Those who have less than you? It is so amazing how we can fill our soul by giving of ourselves to those with little or nothing.

You may consider working at a soup kitchen. Or being a big brother. Or volunteering one afternoon a week at an inner city school. There are so many places that need your help. What gifts do you have? A self inventory can lead you to where you are most needed.

I hope this post has given you something to think about. These actions are what will fill that emptiness. And at the same time, will create a better world. And what a wonderful thing that will be.

Peace!

Ahhhh sweetie, I know what you mean it breaks my heart. I also felt vacuous and hollow and dead for much of the time and filled it with drugs, sex, alcohol, self harm and work. Not that I am recommending these things as we know they are unhealthy in the greater context, but I wonder what kind of help you are receiving?

As for the "she"(not assuming anything) you mention, I divorced mine(my mother) for ten years as I may have killed her out the intense rage I felt. I understand the need to want to be needed, admired, loved, accepted and respected by that person but don't count on it. Do not let it be the focus of your healing. She cannot give it to you and she may never admit that she even did the wrong thing. I am not recommending divorce from this person, but a certain amount of detachment may help in the initial stages whilst you get your head around what you are dealing with.

I have forgiven my mother, but babe, I filled those holes with myself. LOT of work and trauma but I did it.......I still struggle occasionally but i realise now with my mother back in my life and me 15 years older that she is more dependant on me to fill her hollowness than I am on her. I have a great, healthy relationship with an honest and wonderful man(we have our ups and downs like any relationship, but we get through), my son is 14 now and in good form and I have good friends who like me just as I am. It can be done.

Concentrate on YOUR core values....they exist outside of any mental illness or environment. They are what you feel passionate about or have an opinion on......they are how you conduct yourself. They are who YOU really are.

Be brave.......you are doing extremely well despite the fact that you feel hellish and horrible. The fact that you can identify the hollowness and the perpetrator of that hollowness means that you are further ahead than you think. Give yourself a hug, tell yourself that you will make it and as with all things in constant flux, this too will change.

As always, safety first. If you feel that you are in danger, get yourself to the nearest hospital. You have a responsibility to pursue this to an outcome.......keep yourself safe in the meantime.

"To make sense of a muddy world, let it be still until it becomes clear"Taoist proverb

In stillness.............

dbkrous,

Thank you for replying, but I know the emptiness that you are referring to and that is abudantly overflowing filled. The emptiness that I am referring to is much, much deeper and has to do with loss and grieving which I am working through in therapy.

Take care,
cc

Michah,

Thank you for replying and it sounds like you know that place inside which I filled with much self-destructive behavior. I have wonderful help. I am in therapy four days per week with a therapist that I have known for over 20 years (lots of trauma issues). I am receiving psychiatric care. I have fabulous support from my husband, Bible study group, friends and church.

However, I obviously am working through some tough and painful issues. And, yes "she" is my mother. This helped to get if out some and I was surprised what I wrote, but am glad that I did. I do know what I need to focus on, but it is difficult to do so. I also know when I need to be in a safe place. All three of my hospitalizations, I initiated the conversation first. Well, sort of on the last one. I am actually in a good place, but this process sure sucks!! Thank you for your encouragement and support.

CC

Excellent!! It is great to hear........sometimes I look back on the words I have shared and in light of your situation, I may have sounded condescending.........my apologies, you have a great handle on things and you have excellent support, family, friends and church. I am glad you felt you could share your feelings. It is hard sometimes to distinguish age, gender, life history etc when replying. The limits of technology!!.

You are on the path of least resistance........we are here for the times you do struggle or the times you "break through".

Good luck!!.........

No problem! Thank you for your encouragement and support.

CC,
So glad to hear that you've got such a wonderful support system.
And know that we are here for you during those time you just need to get something out.

Peace!

I fight emptiness second by second, hour by hour, definately day to day....I find myself going up to 30 places a day just to experience a feeling in each place....funny way to live one's life....but I experience emptiness much to the degree you described...took me years to get a handle on it.............