[defluffingdiary]

I'm not okay.

it started years ago as just a way to get rid of booze if I drank too much. purging was easy, it didn't hurt, no problem.

and then it because only when I ate wayy too much, as an absolute last resort.

but then I went to college and life got hard, and I got sad, and so I ate. I ate because it gave me something to do, because it let me not think about anything else, it gave me something to focus on. and then once i got full I'd just keep eating, because what else was I going to do? And then it was so easy, I mean I had the tupperware or bags from the take out right there, I could just purge back into them and toss them. so i did.

And then I moved into my own place, and got a job. I told myself all through college that once I "made it" I could get into my own schedule that I had control over, and then finally things would be different. well, things are different. I'm worse.

I started speaking to a therapist though an online program and at first I felt like things were slowly maybe going to be okay. but then all of the sudden they're even worse. The past two weeks Ive purged every day, sometimes twice a day. I'm scaring myself.

I'm scared to lose my teeth and to hurt my body. but I'm scared to gain the weight from the calories if I don't purge. I wish I could just check myself in somewhere for treatment but I can't afford to.

my therapist told me to do some research, and recommended this site. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I don't know if I can get out of this, I want to but I don't know if I'm actually capable.

Hello defluffingdiary: Welcome to PsychCentral. PC is a great place to gain support, learn strategies for handling mental health concerns, & to make internet friends. There are many wonderfully supportive members here on PsychCentral.

From what you've written here, it sounds to me as though you have a serious eating disorder. You are correct to be concerned for your health. I know you said you can't afford treatment. It sounds to me as though treatment is going to be important. So I wonder if it is possible there might be resources available you are not aware of? Perhaps other PC members may have some suggestions. Check out the Eating Disorders Forum on PC:

Eating Disorders - Forums at Psych Central

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