[Neirin]

I'm posting this here but I'm not bulimic. It's probably still the area it fits my problem best.

I was diagnosed with an unspecified eating disorder in 2012. I mostly starved myself and threw up every now and then. I was in therapy for two months because of that and other issues which gave me enough motivation to try and change and concentrate on more positive aspects of my life. I still wasn't alright after therapy but I managed... I spent most of this time in a grey area between normal eating and disordered eating. You could say I wasn't fine but I was okay.
Maybe it is a coincidence but I stopped taking antidepressants in early 2014 and a few weeks later I started throwing up again. I was studying for my final exams in April and I just stopped caring. I studied and while studying a ate and then I went to the bathroom and threw up and then I continued to study and eat and then I threw up again, and so on. I calmed down in the end and went back to "normal". Since then there have always been some days every few months where I did the same thing, although not as extreme with maybe one or two binges a day for two or three days.
It is quite bad at the moment. I have been throwing up at least once a day for over a week now, I feel like **** (I don't know how people manage to do this for months or even years) but I can't stop. I made myself some cereals this morning and planned to keep them down but I purged anyway. It was almost more of a reflex than a conscious decision.
I know that I should stop but I simply don't care enough. Logic isn't really working here. I think- This is stupid, you're spending too much money on food, you're disgusting, you're damaging your body, there's no point in doing this and then I realise that I don't actually care and do it again.
How can I make myself want to stop?

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central (PC). Sorry to hear you are having problems with an eating disorder.

The forums are a way to share your story and also read other people's stories and share with them as well.
forums.psychcentral.com
Here at PC there are many caring people that help each other.

You might want to revisit with your psychiatrist to discuss the possible need to revise medication options for diminishing symptoms.

Some people find a therapist helps them talk through some of the roots their challenges stem from.

If you wish to chat privately or just have a question, feel free to private message me or other Community Liasons (left click on the name to the left of the post you want to private message, select Send Private Message)

Thanks for sharing your story.

[pinkflower17]

Originally Posted by Neirin

I'm posting this here but I'm not bulimic. It's probably still the area it fits my problem best.

I was diagnosed with an unspecified eating disorder in 2012. I mostly starved myself and threw up every now and then. I was in therapy for two months because of that and other issues which gave me enough motivation to try and change and concentrate on more positive aspects of my life. I still wasn't alright after therapy but I managed... I spent most of this time in a grey area between normal eating and disordered eating. You could say I wasn't fine but I was okay.
Maybe it is a coincidence but I stopped taking antidepressants in early 2014 and a few weeks later I started throwing up again. I was studying for my final exams in April and I just stopped caring. I studied and while studying a ate and then I went to the bathroom and threw up and then I continued to study and eat and then I threw up again, and so on. I calmed down in the end and went back to "normal". Since then there have always been some days every few months where I did the same thing, although not as extreme with maybe one or two binges a day for two or three days.
It is quite bad at the moment. I have been throwing up at least once a day for over a week now, I feel like **** (I don't know how people manage to do this for months or even years) but I can't stop. I made myself some cereals this morning and planned to keep them down but I purged anyway. It was almost more of a reflex than a conscious decision.
I know that I should stop but I simply don't care enough. Logic isn't really working here. I think- This is stupid, you're spending too much money on food, you're disgusting, you're damaging your body, there's no point in doing this and then I realise that I don't actually care and do it again.
How can I make myself want to stop?

I think you're right, your antidepressants probably have something to do with the return of the purging. Maybe re-starting them would be helpful. As far as making yourself want to stop, the times I was successful in abstaining from ED behaviors, it was because there was something in my life more important to me than my ED and I knew I had to remain healthy to succeed in whatever it was (when I was in my residency, when I was pregnant, when I had a really demanding school schedule in undergrad). I just couldn't do both. That's what worked for me. Right now, I'm having a really hard time finding anything more important to me than my ED, so I understand where you're at. I wish there was an easier answer...