[boogiesmash]

Hello I just noticed this forum. I recently posted on the bipolar forum of my story and my childhood. I'll copy and paste my childhood emotional problems on here. I think I have developed, as a result of it, attachment issues, abandonment issues, trust, always thinking I'll be let down etc. let me know what you think.

[boogiesmash]

A warning this is gonna be a long post but please read if you can.

So that song hurt is still stuck in my head and it makes me tear up, feel pain and wonder what have I become? As of now I'm broke, I think still depressed, pathetic (maybe too harsh), fat, out of shape, and still stuck in the routine of going home and just staying in bed. As I thought of all this, I thought back on my life and how sad it's been. I have nothing worthwhile, nothing with meaning and getting old.

Childhood
In all perspectives, my father was a douche. He pitted me against my mother and fed me negative perception and treated her like crap. I'd curse at her and not listen to her.
At the age of first grade I asked my dad to take me to a classmates birthday party. He actually came through and brought me there. This is first major psychological issue, at the party he hooked up with my friends mom. They dated and she would actually have the audacity to call my home talk to my mother and ask where is my boyfriend. One night she had enough and attacked my father, mainly scratches but I was so scared and crying. This led to their divorce. I know what you maybe saying, it's not my fault, but if I didn't ask him to take me there he would of never have hooked up with her.

Now I would split time between my parents and my father had a huge gambling problem. He would take me to Atlantic City to spend the weekend there and I would be on my own. He would give me money for the arcade they had there at the time, but besides that I'd be in the hotel alone. Meanwhile he would be dropping 5k and usually lose it all. At least he got comped rooms and dinner.

Fast forward a bit to 6th grade. He rented a condo and I would live with him. Most of the time I was alone in the condo. He got me a dog, who I loved so much (keep this in mind). I would be bored most of the time and just watched tv alone, fall asleep alone and then go to school. Only time he would come spend time with me is when I needed food. He had a gun and it wasn't clear at the time but I thought of shooting myself. Maybe it was my appearance (ahh quick sidetracked I fluctuated a lot as a kid, there would be years I would be fat and years I would be skinny). Back to the gun incident, I don't think or at least I don't remember being depressed, but I guess the seclusion was killing me.

Now this town where I lived at was called edge water and now is prime real estate as it over looks NYC. Back when I lived there it was mainly undeveloped, a lot of closed down factories and no place to walk safely because there was no sidewalks (also keep this in mind).

Fast forward to 7th grade it was Valentine's Day, I was chubby kid and got a valentine card from one of my classmates. I was so excited it said be my valentine with a note on the bottom to turn over. I did and it said not true. I cried. Thinking about this now I am wtf.

Now towards the middle to the end of 7th grade I was still left alone in the condo, until we got evicted. My father wanted to keep me in the same school so he had me stay at my mothers. I didn't tell her he was evicted. Now he would pick me up in the morning and drive me to the bus stop. After school ended and the bus dropped me off at the stop he would pick me up. However he stopped picking me up. I had to walk 7 miles, through undeveloped sidewalks walking on the road sometimes to cars doing 40-50 mph. I didn't tell anyone at the school. Where did my father stay you ask? At his girlfriends house 30 minutes away.

I eventually told my mother about this and she was furious. She got me to go into the school by her for 8th grade.

Going back to my fathers behavior he would always promise to take me out or do stuff but had a habit of letting me down. One weekend he promised to take me to an amusement park and I was so excited. The day came and I heard nothing from him. I went to his girlfriends house and he said his head hurt too much(later as an adult realizes it was a hangover). I was livid. I went to one of his factories (he owned 3 factories) went to his safe and stole 300 bucks. I bought a video game and went to the movies by myself.

8th grade came made some friends and life was better. Now remember the dog? My father would have the dog at one of his factories. Well one day he called me and said one of his neighbors (another factory next to his) let my dog out and he ran away. I went to that persons factory and started cursing at him, he told me to calm down, he didn't do anything and that it was my father. Before that point (remember I was a kid) I though my father could do no harm, I idealized him, loved him etc. at that point I realizes how much of a d ick he was and a douche. I cried. At that point I think I had a breakdown.

High school
At this point I had made some friends and was getting happier. My mom bought a lifting bench and I was obsessed with it. I gained broad shoulders and chest. I read bunch of lifting magazines and was into it. I was shy around the girls but liked them. I really didn't know how to approach them and gain a girlfriend.

Freshman year I had a short lived relationship and was still shy around the girls. My friends started busting my balls, but I saw that as an insult. (God I wished I wasn't so sensitive, because I became a loner and missed out on so much). Maybe this was the abandonment issues my father gave me or maybe he didn't teach me right). Anyway I was an oddball in high school.
Senior year came and I started working at a restaurant as a dish washer. One of the main issues I regretted was not having friends and didn't go to my prom. When the school took us out for project graduation I had no friends, no core no circle to mingle with. I did everything by myself.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Ok - it sounds as if your father was indeed definitely emotionally neglectful, and in many ways physically neglectful to you as well.

Did you ever live with your mom, or just your dad?
If you lived with your mom at some point (after the divorce) - what was life with her like?

[boogiesmash]

They divorced but stayed together for a while. Not in an intimate way. By the time this happened my mom thought I was gone and bought a 1 bedroom condo. I officially moved in with hre 8th grade. Well summer before and it sucked cause I didn't have a room. She got a small bed and put it behind the couch. So didn't have much privacy, till I moved out after high school. Living with her was better but our bond wasn't as strong as it could of been, blaming my father for that.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by boogiesmash

They divorced but stayed together for a while. Not in an intimate way. By the time this happened my mom thought I was gone and bought a 1 bedroom condo. I officially moved in with hre 8th grade. Well summer before and it sucked cause I didn't have a room. She got a small bed and put it behind the couch. So didn't have much privacy, till I moved out after high school. Living with her was better but our bond wasn't as strong as it could of been, blaming my father for that.

I am very sorry you went through all this. It sounds like your mom neglected you in physical way your dad in emotional ways ... and unless your mom ever reached out to you on an emotional level to help you sort through everything with your dad, she too participated in at least some emotional neglect. You are indeed a very strong person. Do you have difficulties with friendships and relationships now? I do. Seems I dont know how to communicate properly with them.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

From your original description of your issues it sounds as if you may have developed BPD from all this. Have you ever been checked for that?

[boogiesmash]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

I am very sorry you went through all this. It sounds like your mom neglected you in physical way your dad in emotional ways ... and unless your mom ever reached out to you on an emotional level to help you sort through everything with your dad, she too participated in at least some emotional neglect. You are indeed a very strong person. Do you have difficulties with friendships and relationships now? I do. Seems I dont know how to communicate properly with them.

I do. I find it hard to trust people and expect them to let me down. Once they do, I lose them.

How do you say my mom neglected me?

[boogiesmash]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

From your original description of your issues it sounds as if you may have developed BPD from all this. Have you ever been checked for that?

I haven't. You mean borderline right?

[boogiesmash]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

From your original description of your issues it sounds as if you may have developed BPD from all this. Have you ever been checked for that?

Well I just scored high for borderline. Maybe I should add the rest of my story post on to here?

[boogiesmash]

This is the link. I do have abandonment issues. Well have to discuss this with my therapist.

https://forums.psychcentral.com/bipo...-i-become.html

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by boogiesmash

I haven't. You mean borderline right?

Yes, Borderline Personality Disorder. I have it .. and was misdiagnosed for a long time as bipolar. They are very similar in some ways, yet have subtle differences too.

[boogiesmash]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Yes, Borderline Personality Disorder. I have it .. and was misdiagnosed for a long time as bipolar. They are very similar in some ways, yet have subtle differences too.

Yes I am diagnosed bipolar. Did you get a chance to read my original thread. It continues into my adult years.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by boogiesmash

I do. I find it hard to trust people and expect them to let me down. Once they do, I lose them.

How do you say my mom neglected me?

You said your mom had you sleeping on the couch and such. That is denying you the basic right of the privacy, comfort, and security of your own bedroom. She is neglecting one of your basic physical needs there. Was she there for you emotionally when you would be disappointed or hurt by your father in some way? If not - that is a form of emotional neglect. Did she help you understand it was not your fault she and your dad divorced? If not, that too is a form of emotional neglect.

Children need to feel secure - not only with their surroundings, but with themselves and with the love they receive from those closest to them. If that is not the case - you can guarantee there is some form of abuse or neglect taking place.

[boogiesmash]

No she didn't help me understand about the divorce. She was there to put a roof on my head when my dad was evicted, although he lived with a girlfriend at that time.

My mom did get me a bed but it was behind the couch. At the time she bought her condo, she didn't think I was going to be living with her.

I blame my dad for a lot that has happened in my childhood. I never thought as my mom neglecting me, especially after she took me in. But no she never discussed anything about the divorce to me ever. She would say constantly that my dad was a pathological liar. She also didn't speak English, and relied on me to help her with translations.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by boogiesmash

No she didn't help me understand about the divorce. She was there to put a roof on my head when my dad was evicted, although he lived with a girlfriend at that time.

My mom did get me a bed but it was behind the couch. At the time she bought her condo, she didn't think I was going to be living with her.

I blame my dad for a lot that has happened in my childhood. I never thought as my mom neglecting me, especially after she took me in. But no she never discussed anything about the divorce to me ever. She would say constantly that my dad was a pathological liar. She also didn't speak English, and relied on me to help her with translations.

She probably wasn't being "severely neglectful" but she certainly was not being nurturing and supportive either. At least, that's how I am seeing it...

[boogiesmash]

You are dead on with that. I think I'd feel better if she did talk to me about my dads misdeeds, and that none of it was my fault. I remember always feeling so bad when he let me down. After a while I sorta expected it and it kind of hits me hard now when a friend does it, but I don't look at other reasons like maybe something happened to them that they had to cancel, postpone, couldn't make it etc.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by boogiesmash

This is the link. I do have abandonment issues. Well have to discuss this with my therapist.

https://forums.psychcentral.com/bipo...-i-become.html

I just read through all of that. All of it also pertains to BPD. In your initial description you mentioned trust, abandonment, and attachment issues... all of which are more specific to BPD than bi-polar which was why I asked if you had been tested. They are similar, yet different diagnoses.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Here is the description of it as provided on this site (and it is a pretty good description, very informative)

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/b...rder-symptoms/

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by boogiesmash

You are dead on with that. I think I'd feel better if she did talk to me about my dads misdeeds, and that none of it was my fault. I remember always feeling so bad when he let me down. After a while I sorta expected it and it kind of hits me hard now when a friend does it, but I don't look at other reasons like maybe something happened to them that they had to cancel, postpone, couldn't make it etc.

See, to me .. that's "borderline emotional neglect" if not full on neglect even if not considered "severe" because it's still just as damaging and hurtful. And the child is still left to fend for him or herself emotionally speaking.

[boogiesmash]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

I just read through all of that. All of it also pertains to BPD. In your initial description you mentioned trust, abandonment, and attachment issues... all of which are more specific to BPD than bi-polar which was why I asked if you had been tested. They are similar, yet different diagnoses.

Thank you for your insight. I took the test and scored severe bpd. Going to talk to my therapist about it.

[boogiesmash]

I also have bad self image and esteem issues

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

That too can be related to BPD - but sometimes with BPD you may also have issues where you either idolize and then totally crap on either self or others too .. like when you meet someone, you may think they are great - they make one small mistake and they are the worst person in the world, but that type of view can fluxuate back and forth throughout the relationship (doesnt matter if family, friend, lover, or any other kind) and same is true for self love

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by boogiesmash

Thank you for your insight. I took the test and scored severe bpd. Going to talk to my therapist about it.

You are very welcome - I wish you well .. However it turns out with your therapist
❤

[boogiesmash]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

That too can be related to BPD - but sometimes with BPD you may also have issues where you either idolize and then totally crap on either self or others too .. like when you meet someone, you may think they are great - they make one small mistake and they are the worst person in the world, but that type of view can fluxuate back and forth throughout the relationship (doesnt matter if family, friend, lover, or any other kind) and same is true for self love

Wow the more and more symptoms you are describing the more I think I am. I have had that idolizations they mess up or make a small mistake and I hate them.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by boogiesmash

Wow the more and more symptoms you are describing the more I think I am. I have had that idolizations they mess up or make a small mistake and I hate them.

It's one of the reasons it's so hard to have a relationship as a person with BPD .. that compounded with the attachment and abandonment issues. You become so clingy the person can barely breathe but then if they make a mistake ... all your claws come out. "You" as represented by a person with BPD.