[Albatross2008]

How many times has this happened to you during your childhood?

Another child has been somehow tormenting you, maybe hitting, or pinching, or (as was often the case with me) tickling. And then as you're screaming in pain and telling the other child to stop, the parents come in from another room and scold or punish you for causing a disturbance. Try to explain that the other child started it, and you get, "You're the one we heard." They don't care that you were being hit, pinched, tickled, or whatever, as long as you don't make noise.

The worst sin I could commit as a child was to need anything which would call attention to my own existence. Being "good" meant staying out of the way and being quiet. Doing otherwise brought swift and decisive punishment.

Sometimes I think I existed only when it was convenient for my mother that I exist. When I could be called on to do a chore, I existed. When I could provide entertainment, I existed. ("Sing that song for us. You sound so cute." Later I would discover I was singing the wrong words, and nobody ever corrected me. I now wonder if, by asking me to sing, they were setting me up to laugh at my mistakes. Oh, and even if it was a song I hated, saying no was not an option. The reason for my existence was to be cute, so I'd better get on with being cute, dammit.)

But when my parents were busy with their own concerns, I might as well not exist to them.

Stay out of the way.

Be quiet.

Don't bother me.

It makes me wonder if they ever really wanted kids in the first place. They said they did, but did they really?

[malika138]

Sounds familiar. I once waited an hour for a ride home after I called my parents because somehow they forgot me and sat down for dinner. So when I called back I had to wait longer because they had to finish dinner first.

Yep - be quiet. Don't bother me.

My mother calls my brother her "soul mate" - ICK. Me, I'm just in the way.

[StrongTopaz23]

Originally Posted by Arbie

How many times has this happened to you during your childhood?

Another child has been somehow tormenting you, maybe hitting, or pinching, or (as was often the case with me) tickling. And then as you're screaming in pain and telling the other child to stop, the parents come in from another room and scold or punish you for causing a disturbance. Try to explain that the other child started it, and you get, "You're the one we heard." They don't care that you were being hit, pinched, tickled, or whatever, as long as you don't make noise.

The worst sin I could commit as a child was to need anything which would call attention to my own existence. Being "good" meant staying out of the way and being quiet. Doing otherwise brought swift and decisive punishment.

Sometimes I think I existed only when it was convenient for my mother that I exist. When I could be called on to do a chore, I existed. When I could provide entertainment, I existed. ("Sing that song for us. You sound so cute." Later I would discover I was singing the wrong words, and nobody ever corrected me. I now wonder if, by asking me to sing, they were setting me up to laugh at my mistakes. Oh, and even if it was a song I hated, saying no was not an option. The reason for my existence was to be cute, so I'd better get on with being cute, dammit.)

But when my parents were busy with their own concerns, I might as well not exist to them.

Stay out of the way.

Be quiet.

Don't bother me.

It makes me wonder if they ever really wanted kids in the first place. They said they did, but did they really?

Arbie, you're special and important. She is losing out on a wonderful child if she would just open her eyes and heart and realize how much you feel neglected. I don't think mine will ever "get it". As far as "staying out of the way, and being quiet" I understand that way too well. My father worked swing shifts, and we had to be quiet for him and for her also. Is your Mother still like that with you too? Does she want to share anything with you or know about your life? How is she with any siblings?

I understand what you've gone through. I was the first born, my mother was 21, Dad was 24. I would ALWAYS have to to the chores, and sometimes my mother would punish me for rebelling or questioning why my brother didn't have to do any. I got hit, spanked, punished waaaay more than my brother. He got all the praise and he kept his mouth shut most of the time. Unless he would sing a sing for the family or play something on the piano. I however, excelled at dancing, and wonderful girly things until I got into high school. I got into drama, was very social, had lots of friends and we would have theater parties at my house. My mother was "everyone's mom" and would talk to them about problems. She wouldn't even listen to me and be "my Mom." She would put my brother and I into competition against each other, (so did my grandmother and aunts--they were all about encouraging the boys to excel, girls were to just be quiet and get married and have babies.) I didn't subscribe to that way of thinking. My mother would encourage my brother to be with all of us at the theater functions and go into theater. Also she would talk about how proud she was of his piano playing, and fight me on mine. I had no problem playing the piano, but I resented her "making me do it." I just feel like I was the "practice" child for the one she really wanted.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you know you're not alone.

[StrongTopaz23]

Originally Posted by malika138

Sounds familiar. I once waited an hour for a ride home after I called my parents because somehow they forgot me and sat down for dinner. So when I called back I had to wait longer because they had to finish dinner first.

Yep - be quiet. Don't bother me.

My mother calls my brother her "soul mate" - ICK. Me, I'm just in the way.

I'm sorry you had to go through that Malika. (((HUGS)))) I understand completely. My mom wouldn't stay to pick me up from dance class. She'd leave the house after the class ended, whenever she'd feel like it. The worst part was the embarassing part of everyone else going home, and the teacher would feel bad that I was alone (when it was dark) and she would stay. Sometimes it was 20 minutes or more. She would be mad that I inconvenienced her time of doing crafts or watching tv. I became quite resentful, even at 10 years old. I wanted my mom to care and love me like all the other parents were. I'm sending you lots of ((((((HUGS)))))) You are not alone.

(((HUGS)))

Yes, same here.

I had to be quiet, no talking. I was always told I was stupid and to be quiet. Everything was my fault, no matter what. It was a relief when she got married because she had someone else to blame.

I had to play piano on demand for strangers anywhere we came across a piano, like a hotel or a restaurant, just so *she* could get attention for being my proud mother. Ugh. But she wouldn’t come to music performances. That made her “butt hurt.” Then yell at me for being dropped home by someone else’s parent later than she thought because the concert ran long. What about attending like every other parent.

Punishments were bizarre and extreme. Cut the grass with the hand shears. I’m not going to keep going, it is hard to believe and painful to read.

Of all the infertile people in the world, why not her.

[malika138]

Originally Posted by StrongTopaz23

The worst part was the embarrassing part of everyone else going home, and the teacher would feel bad that I was alone (when it was dark) and she would stay.

Yeah, on one hand we were invisible to our family and a nuisance, but then we are completely visible to those who noted we weren't picked up...

[Stone92]

That all sounds very familiar. I'm so sorry you all went through the same things. It was so painful growing up feeling like I was only there to be 'useful' in some way. I was only cared about when I was making my mommy dearest look good, or feel better.

Not loved unconditionally, like an innocent child should be. Not protected and given attention and care, like I needed.

It's so important to acknowledge that pain so we can heal and re-parent ourselves.

Sounds familiar, for me that was life at school, other kids were allowed to hurt me but I wasn't allowed to get them to stop

(((((Arbie)))))

[BettysGranddaughter]

Originally Posted by key tones

(((HUGS)))

Yes, same here.

I had to be quiet, no talking. I was always told I was stupid and to be quiet. Everything was my fault, no matter what. It was a relief when she got married because she had someone else to blame.

I had to play piano on demand for strangers anywhere we came across a piano, like a hotel or a restaurant, just so *she* could get attention for being my proud mother. Ugh. But she wouldn’t come to music performances. That made her “butt hurt.” Then yell at me for being dropped home by someone else’s parent later than she thought because the concert ran long. What about attending like every other parent.

Punishments were bizarre and extreme. Cut the grass with the hand shears. I’m not going to keep going, it is hard to believe and painful to read.

Of all the infertile people in the world, why not her.

I'm so sorry you went through that. I can kind of relate with the grass cutting - I had to pick up every single rose petal that fell into the rocks from her rose bushes. I hated it. Cutting the grass with hand shears is ridiculous.

[BettysGranddaughter]

Originally Posted by Arbie

How many times has this happened to you during your childhood?

Another child has been somehow tormenting you, maybe hitting, or pinching, or (as was often the case with me) tickling. And then as you're screaming in pain and telling the other child to stop, the parents come in from another room and scold or punish you for causing a disturbance. Try to explain that the other child started it, and you get, "You're the one we heard." They don't care that you were being hit, pinched, tickled, or whatever, as long as you don't make noise.

The worst sin I could commit as a child was to need anything which would call attention to my own existence. Being "good" meant staying out of the way and being quiet. Doing otherwise brought swift and decisive punishment.

Sometimes I think I existed only when it was convenient for my mother that I exist. When I could be called on to do a chore, I existed. When I could provide entertainment, I existed. ("Sing that song for us. You sound so cute." Later I would discover I was singing the wrong words, and nobody ever corrected me. I now wonder if, by asking me to sing, they were setting me up to laugh at my mistakes. Oh, and even if it was a song I hated, saying no was not an option. The reason for my existence was to be cute, so I'd better get on with being cute, dammit.)

But when my parents were busy with their own concerns, I might as well not exist to them.

Stay out of the way.

Be quiet.

Don't bother me.

It makes me wonder if they ever really wanted kids in the first place. They said they did, but did they really?

No child should be made to feel unwanted.

I can relate to the setting you up to laugh at you... when I was in junior high my stepdad convinced me to get my hair cut very short, basically in a bowl cut. He kept telling me how nice it looked, blah blah blah... meanwhile everyone else kept mistaking me for a boy. It looked awful. I truly don't know why he would have done that, other than to set me up for ridicule.

[Calla lily12]

"Children should be seen and not heard". Well I wasn't even seen, unless I was a good accessory. I was like a hat or handbag...if I complimented the wearer, I was put up with. NOw that I'm older, I can plainly see the hatred they had for me. I had to go with my father while he met his mistress, but keep my mouth shut. If I was at my grandmother's house and God forbid, I talked too much, Nana would make me a "special milkshake", which would soon make me very sleepy. My mother was vey narcissistic and made everything about herself. No matter how I tried to help them when they got older, I was never good enough; then blamed for never doing anything for them. I wish they just waited patiently for my brother's birth and forgot about mine.
I'm sorry for everyone who has been ignored and tormented.

[Fuzzybear]

[Staying Inside]

Originally Posted by malika138

Sounds familiar. I once waited an hour for a ride home after I called my parents because somehow they forgot me and sat down for dinner. So when I called back I had to wait longer because they had to finish dinner first.

Yep - be quiet. Don't bother me.

My mother calls my brother her "soul mate" - ICK. Me, I'm just in the way.

So sorry that you were treated that way.

[Hannah86]

Sorry for what you went through, can’t say I’ve experienced the same