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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: ny
Posts: 13
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#1
hi, this is my first post on this site, i'm just gonna type a bit about my problem and see what anybody has to say.
i guess to start from the beginning, i am the middle child between two other siblings. growing up i was always the one that didn't really matter. i would do so much for my family, like chores and helping everyone out. but no matter what i always came last when to anyone looking out for me. my older sibling really bullied me and teased me. i felt like she used me and humiliating me as her way of getting the attention she needed, with no regard for me or how it affected me. my parents never did anything about this when i would go to them crying. my relationship with my parents was pretty weird and hard to explain. i could never understand it or put it into words for any of the therapists i've seen since back then. they would use me, trick me into feeling guilty or feeling bad, manipulate me, and train me to believe if i ever made them sound bad or essentially spoke about what was really going on, i would be betraying them. it wasn't until just this past year that i realized that (i think) this was narcissistic abuse. i'm still a bit confused on this because while one of my parents fits the description of a narcissist 100%, the other parent who doesn't seem like it all was the main manipulator for me. i always felt liek there was no reasoning with them. they didn't understand emotions. they would tell me "my thoughts" and honestly believe they knew what i was thinking even though they were never even close. anyway i basically grew up with no friends. they made me feel like talking to kids at school was wrong. the one time i sort of had a friend in 5th grade, my teacher told them about her at parent teacher conference and they came home and teased me about it so i never talked to her again. stuff like that. i had a very lonely childhood and things continued that way all through highschool and college. in highschool i started to get really sick but doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me. it was basically the build up of stress i'd been carrying around all these years that started to destroy my body. anyway i suffered without knowing the cause all through high school. dreading each day, i went to school, came home and sat in front of the tv or went on the computer until bed time. same with college. i missed out on all normal stages of teenage years and everything. it wasn't until my last year of college that i finally started seeing a doctor that could begin helping me get on the right track for the treatment i needed for my health issues. while finishing school and being so sick, i basically spent all my free time traveling to doctors. my mom still basically controlled my life but i was too sick and too unaware of all i was missing because i had some really ****ed up ideas about how my life was meant to be miserable because i still didnt understand everything. anyway it's been quite a few years since college. i've since had a few jobs but i have been having really bad luck with them (them not paying me or taking advantage of me probably bc i was raised to believe i am worthless and owe everything to everyone). i almost have my health back now but not fully yet. i'm nearing my late 20s but because of everything and all this time wasted with everything going on and having spent my whole entire life alone and away from people i really do have trouble getting hired and talking to people(anxiety). i still live with my parents though i do not speak to one of them anymore (because of sexual assault during childhood i didn't mention above but i've had that from quite a few oher family members as well). i am just feeling really stuck though. as long as i still live under their roof i still feel like i'm being controlled. i am scared to answer my phone or call people back for jobs and etc unless nobodys home. i'm scared to go out because leaving the house while they're home is so difficult and the whole time i just worry about being able to get back in. i'm not living in a very healthy situation and that also has a strong effect on my health. i know this post is all over, it's late and i'm tired and having a hard time summarizing everything when there's just so much. i left a lot of things out but to summarize i had a really ****ed up childhood and it took over 24 years for me to start to realize all the issues my parents caused and i'm still working on them but there's no way to be free from them while i'm living here but i'm having a really hard time getting away from them because of all the issues they caused me. i'm trapped in a cycle, the same cycle for years and i'm really struggling to break out of it. and i'm scared and i don't even have any idea what to do with my life even if i did get out bc it seems so lonely and i'm not passionate about anything or motivated. i'm scared and broken and trapped. this post is a mess, i know it. thank u to anyone who reads it. |
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Anonymous40127, Anonymous55879, Fuzzybear, KD1980, LifelongLoner, lovejones24, MickeyCheeky, misladyrae, Mopey, Open Eyes, Travelinglady
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lovejones24, MickeyCheeky, misladyrae
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#2
Given how much is going on with you--your post is really quite succinct. I am sorry you have so many things from your childhood weighing you down.
I hope you keep posting and find motivation some how. When I was going to college, I didn't know what I wanted to do so I joined AFROTC. Joining the military was like adopting a big family. |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky, noonereally
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Elder...and a bit Older
Community Liaison
Member Since Nov 2013
Location: My Own Orbit
Posts: 6,912
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#3
Hi noonereally
Getting yourself out and about in the world to establish a degree of independence would make all the difference imo. Although you say that you aren't satisfied in your work environment, putting your head down and saving a deposit for a rental with perhaps a friend might be doable...anything worth while takes a lot of hard work. For those who feel alone, or simply wanting to reach out for a chat without judgement......Psych Central is the place. There are many good listeners here... we're a pretty good bunch. I have been an active member of this site for 4 years. In that time I have received some really constructive feedback and connected with several others with similar challenges to myself. I have also found hanging out in the Games Forums to be a welcome distraction in times of stress... a great way to clear my head, meet like minded others, and have some well needed fun. New members benefit greatly from perusing the many forums available here...lots to explore. Also after 5 approved posts members have the option to join the chatrooms..or chat one on one with other members. Should you have any questions on navigating this site, please don't hesitate to private message me or any of the other Community Liaisons who will be more than happy to help. Just click on the screen name above my avatar. Please be kind & generous to yourself noonereally, and welcome to P.C __________________ The devil whispered in my ear, "You cannot withstand the storm." I whispered back, "I am the storm." |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky, noonereally
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Legendary
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Italy
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#4
I'm so sorry you're struggling, noonereally It sounds like you're going through a lot. Please don't give up. I agree with Quarter life. I think you need to stay away from them as much as possible. Try to pick a job - any job you can and start saving some money so that you can move somewhere. Is there anyone else outside of your family that you can reach out? Any people that you trust? Perhaps they could assist you economically as well. I'm so sorry. I know it's hard when your own parents, who should be the closest to you, are the meanest. You deserve a much better life and I hope that you'll be able to get away from them as soon as you can. Keep looking for a job. I hope you'll be able to find something. Starting from there, you should be able to become more indipendent from your parents. I'm so sorry, I wish I've had more advice to give to you. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to vent here as much as you want. We'll listen to what you have to say. We care about you. Keep writing here if it helps. I'm here for you as well if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
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Fuzzybear
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may24, noonereally
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
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#5
(((((((((( hugs ))))))))))
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MickeyCheeky, noonereally
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MickeyCheeky, noonereally
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New Member
Member Since May 2013
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 9
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#6
I haven't made a post yet, but when I do, I am sure it will sound slot like yours.. thank you for sharing.. I get so enraged when I see how some people treat their children. I am constantly enraged with my own upbringing. I am in my 30s and I am only just now looking at my life and getting the help I need.. I am sad there is so much pain in my heart, but I am so glad to have found this site..
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MickeyCheeky, noonereally
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may24, MickeyCheeky, noonereally
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Threadtastic Postaholic
Member Since Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
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#7
I think your end goal should be to GTFO as soon as possible but also to get into therapy. Do you have health insurance? I do not know if it even matters about whether it was a narcisisstic thing or not. Abuse is abuse.
__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Italy
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#8
I hope noonereally is doing ok. He deserves to get better and to get away from them. I hope he'll come back and read this thread. Sending many hugs to him
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Anonymous55879, KD1980
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noonereally
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Sep 2010
Location: North Carolina
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#9
Hi, noonereally, and welcome to Psych Central! I can relate to a lot of what you said. One of my parents was narcissistic and I think the other had something like dependent personality disorder. I wasn't supposed to tell anybody bad things about my life either.
I was able to leave home, though--and I've spent years in therapy. I was told not to live very close to my parents. I hope you'll be back soon, because I think we can be helpful and supportive. Again, welcome! |
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noonereally
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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: ny
Posts: 13
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#10
Quote:
anyway a few years because i was going to this therapist who was supposedly really good (and really expensive). she basically told me that because of the way i was people were going to take advantage of me. i tried really hard to do the stuff she told me but she honestly treated me with little respect and took advantage of me herself. she lied to me about when she had availability for me to make appointments, i could tell she didn't like me, and the last time i went to her before i decided to not put up with this anymore, she tried to make me give her my phone and had a fit that i "didn't trust her enough". she even said something like "you don't let people see you're phone? what does your mom think about this?" which really pissed me off because it's like she was manipulating me the same way they do and using them to do it. i've just had a really hard time trusting therapists since then. i've tried a few others since that but i don't feel like im getting help from them and i don't feel like they understand. and i don't want to waste money |
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MickeyCheeky, Travelinglady
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MickeyCheeky
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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: ny
Posts: 13
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#11
Quote:
and yeah i've heard it's best to stay far away from your parents and not speak to them but at the same time i feel like weird. like i feel bad for my mom and i don't want to never talk to her again. i sort of see her as two different people, in a way. one that;s my poor mom that i want to be nice to, and the other that's evil and ruined my life. have you ever felt like that too about either of your parents? anyway i just gotta figure out a way to get out of here and get away from them... thanks. i hope my replies are working, i'm not sure how to use this site yet honestly.. |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Sep 2010
Location: North Carolina
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#12
I have bipolar, so I'm going to stay in therapy, but it's more maintenance therapy now, just talking about current things--not much about my parents, since I've dealt with that before.
Yes, I had some feelings of sorrow for how my mother was. She was emotionally neglected and abused as a child. She died a year ago at age 90. My sister and I held her hands by her hospital bed for three hours as she was dying. We sang to her and I told her I loved her and that she was a good mother, since she did the best she could with her issues. That said, I couldn't allow myself to be emotionally mistreated by her. I kept in touch even when I didn't visit often--but went whenever she was sick, for her birthday, mother's day, etc. She actually learned to be careful about what she said because she knew I would leave if she didn't. (She also had borderline characteristics.) The main thing is for you to see you don't deserve the abuse and are a decent person who needs to separate from her emotionally. It sounds like you are doing that. |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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Junior Member
Member Since Jan 2019
Location: Chicago
Posts: 15
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#13
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Girl I am 23 and when I tell you we are in the same boat! I literally just found out my mom was a narcissist as well. Anyways what I want to tell you is that You are not a failure. Sometimes I feel that way too! Like I’m a failure cause last year I dropped out of college due to attempting suicide and etc. But I realize that was a mistake because it put me in the hands of my narcissistic mother all the way. I feel trapped like you I’m applying to a lot of jobs like you and I’m trying to gain my independence so I can find happiness. I know you probably feel down and like a failure I often feel that way but you finished school keep your head up! You’re doing great. I feel the same way when it comes to answering job phone calls but I wld say go to therapy I know I shld take my own advice but I don’t have Health insurance. Go to therapy find a job. Try to keep in mind the longer you stay at home the longer your mom has control over you. I wld say try something new each week. Make a list of hobbies and try something new each week. Until you find something that you are passionate about. Also what did you like to do a lot as a child? Usually our passions come to us when we’re little we’ll sometimes. I just want you to know you’re not alone and YOU CAN DO IT AND YOU SHALL PREVAIL! It gets hard though because I was raised by a narcissistic mother so i can relate. I hope and pray you find peace and happiness an your passion. Hugs |
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MickeyCheeky
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may24, MickeyCheeky
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Junior Member
Member Since Jan 2019
Location: Chicago
Posts: 15
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#14
Quote:
Sorry you went through that. You should have reported her. There are still some good therapists out there you just have to find one. I believe you will find a good one dear. |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: ny
Posts: 13
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#15
Quote:
it's hard for me i guess because i don't think she's currently manipulating/abusing me and stuff but i still feel the lasting effects. like i just feel like i can't be myself even just when coming from the same house she's in. i can't walk past her to leave the house and then feel fine and capable once im outside because i just came from the same place as her. it's like a way that she always made me feel, just worthless and terrible and incapable. and those feelings only go away when she does, even though it's not like she's still actively doing stuff to make them worse, as far as i know. that's a big part of why it's so hard for me to get away. it creates a cycle. i can't get awayy from her without doing things that i can't do while she's there. (like go to interviews and get a job, and even if i did get one, i can't perform well when i am coming from there and returning to there at the end of the day.) i hope that makes sense |
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MickeyCheeky, Travelinglady
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MickeyCheeky
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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: ny
Posts: 13
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#16
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anyway therapy and job arent that simple. i've had jobs before but they honestly cheated me out of a lot of money and i think its because of my personality that just says "i'm weak please take advantage and walk all over me" because of the way they treated me growing up. and i typed to someone else above how most of my tries with therapy have gone. i have things that i like doing now. im rly into art and sculpting but its stuff i do alone in my room and it doesn't really help me. that's not going to help me with a career or anythhing probably. when i was a kid i didn't really have any hobbies because i wasn't allowed to do much. i had a very active imagination. i was often alone and having to entertain myself, like by making things up in my head and etc. anyway thank you. same to you, i wish you luck as well. we'll both figure it out and get through it somehow. |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: ny
Posts: 13
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#17
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anyway i've tried two other therapists since then and they really did not help me at all. going there kind of made me feel a lot worse because the further back i go into everything that's happened the more depressed i get. i honestly hate therapy and i'm hoping there's a way i can get to a point where i'm all right without it. |
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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Legendary Wise Elder
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Location: North Carolina
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#18
noonereally, do you feel like your mom really doesn't want you to become independent?
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MickeyCheeky, noonereally
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MickeyCheeky
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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: ny
Posts: 13
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#19
Quote:
but then she also completely forgets about everything i've explained to her about my past and i ask her if she honestly thinks she was a good parent to me and she answers that she thinks she was a decent one. it's really hard for me to tell. and she isnt even the one i am sure is the narcissist. it's my dad that is. i don't talk to him anymore even tho he lives here, i am never in the same room as him except for holidays but i don't speak to him at all. i don't even speak in front of him bc i dont want him to know anything about me now. but as a child, yeah he definitely treated us all like we weren't people, we were just objects there for his use and his amusement. though i've heard from my siblings he's mellowed out now and is just a sad old man. but maybe my mom is a good person, she just got mixed up in his behavior, maybe she was even manipulated too and thats why she can't understand all the pain and issues she's caused me. i have no clue, it's really hard for me to understand. sorry for typing so much, it's like once i start there's just so much. |
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Anonymous55879, KD1980, Travelinglady
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MickeyCheeky
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#20
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Quote:
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MickeyCheeky
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MickeyCheeky
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