CEN and LGBT

“In a nutshell, emotional neglect is when a parent fails to see, know, or understand their child as they really are, rather than through the lens of what the parent thinks they are or wants them to be.” - Paola Bailey, Psy.D.

When I read that I think about all the LGBT kids with parents who think they are cis/het or want them to be cis/het.

So, someone wrote a book with 12 different kinds of emotionally neglectful parents, but they left out my kind of parents. So I say number 13 is:
(13) Cis/het parents of LGBT kids who don't know or deny that they're LGBT, or don't know how to help them emotionally with being LGBT

I never came out to my parents as a kid, and I have all the symptoms of CEN.

Hello Seethings: I see this is your first post here on My Support Forums. Welcome. I hope you find being here on MSF to be of benefit.

I can relate to your post. I'm 72 now. My parents are long-since dead. And, way back when I was young (at least where I lived), there were boys and there were girls (and they grew up to marry each other... only.) And if you didn't happen to fit neatly into one of those categories, you darned well kept it to yourself if you knew what was good for you.

I was, I now realize, transgender. (Plus I was ABDL. But, then, that's another story.) However way back then, I didn't even realize there was such a thing as being transgender. I only knew how I felt and what I had to do. Plus I had neither the words, nor the chutzpah, to tell my parents what I was feeling... let alone what I was doing when they weren't around. Plus they had very definite (as well as narrow) ideas regarding what boys should do and how they should grow up. (The lesson stuck.)

So, looking back, I can see where I experienced what we now know as CEN. Back when "My Support Forums" was still "Psych Central" (before PC was sold to Healthline) there was a CEN questionnaire (developed by Dr. Jonice Webb) in PC's archives. It consisted of 23 (as I recall) CEN-related questions. I recall I read through the questionnaire and was able to honestly answer yes to every question. It's too late to do anything about any of it now. But even at my advanced age, I still carry the scars that were instilled all those years ago. I hope you on the other hand have had, or will have, the opportunity work through the scars you carry. Best wishes...

Hello Skeezyks,

Thanks for responding. I’m a “spring chicken” at 54 years old. But still old enough to not have the words for it as a child. That feeling that you’re the only one… that such a thing as you doesn’t exist.

I am also transgender, but come at it from the other direction as I am a trans man. The harshness of the “fact” that I was told at 5 years old… that all females are girls and all males are boys, and you’ll be like this forever so there is no way out was trauma enough. And then the cherry on the top… enrolling me in a single-sex kindergarten; A part of me died there. I lived my childhood like a picture of a person, but not a real person.

I don’t know why Dr Webb could know so much about CEN, and still not know it applies to us. I just want to spread the word. Even today there are many years before a child has the first feelings of being LBGT and when they come out. Those years could be traumatic.

I think that over the years I have healed a lot, but I never will feel that people are safe. Still, I think it’s never too late to enjoy minor triumphs.

Would you mind siting the source of that book? I've never heard of the 12/13 different types. I'm sure some of it will be obvious though.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm grateful we've come a long way with the normalization of LGBT, particularly with the transgender minorities. I agree, it's still not a safe platform to be on, worldwide, but I believe more and more people are feeling more comfortable and safe disclosing this piece, and at a much younger age.

CEN is CEN and regardless, it can be quite a debilitating life to experience.