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#1
May 09, 2016, 07:50 PM
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I think that because I've been dealing with chronic pain for so long (since I was 9), I have an automatic way of steeling myself against it that in a visceral way I am barely aware is happening, despite it occupying much of my being.
Not that doing so has any effect on my situation, for all that it takes out of me! That would be nice, but no such luck of course. It does affect my outlook, and my personality in a way -- my relationship with feelings. It makes me tougher than I'd rather be. For instance, after a couple of lighter weeks of what for me is only moderate pain, I've today been having a real 10 of a day, just searing, and it actually brought me to tears. The pain wasn't that unusual; I have plenty of 10 days -- but the tears were a surprise. For some reason I had more access to some emotion about it today, allowed myself to have emotion about it. Usually even in the worst of my pain I am just in pure endure mode, because of how hard my whole being works at maintaining endurance in the face of the worst, and how accustomed I am to doing it. I guess I imagine it would be hard for many on the outside looking in to understand that crying about it is really unusual for me, and actually represents me experiencing a rare break. Maybe that also contributes to my shielding it. I don't know if it helps anyone else but me for me to to write about it here but I thought there may be others of you who could relate to this. It was good to give it a break, my steely resistance, even though I only sort of stumbled my way into it! I think that usually, I forget that I'm allowed to have feelings about these things. 
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“We use our minds not to discover facts but to hide them. One of things the screen hides most effectively is the body, our own body, by which I mean, the ins and outs of it, its interiors. Like a veil thrown over the skin to secure its modesty, the screen partially removes from the mind the inner states of the body, those that constitute the flow of life as it wanders in the journey of each day.” — Antonio R. Damasio, “The Feeling of What Happens: Body and Emotion in the Making of Consciousness” (p.28) |
 jaynedough, Skeezyks
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 jaynedough
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#2
May 12, 2016, 03:06 PM
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Hello vonmoxie: Thank you for sharing this experience. I have a ruptured disc in my low back with sciatica. I also have Meniere's Disease & tinnitus. Fortunately none of it is terrible at this point... although both have had their moments in the past.
 I don't typically think much about either one most of the time. Every so often though something happens that reminds me how bad it has been at times in the past. And I cringe at the thought that I could go back there again.  It takes a lot to get me to cry. I just don't seem to have it in me unless things get really bad. But there have been a few times...  
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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
| jaynedough, vonmoxie
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| vonmoxie
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