[Troy]

The remark from Open Eyes about our ptsd responses having been born in events that just kept on coming is something new for me, but when i hear it, I slap myself on the forehead and say, of course.

The physical combat wound heal, but the mental/emotional/psychological/brain wounds have no way of correcting themselves.

When my system is shattered by a sudden loud noise now, I am pretty much out of control insofar as a subsequent loud noise. My anger is at the top, no matter how much i hide it from others. My rage is just under the skin.

We can't put a splint or a cast on the brain and allow the wound to heal. And re-exposing the brain to the trauma doesn't seem like an intelligent approach. Would it make sense to keep whacking a broken leg to get it to heal? Of course, the professionals have studied all of this and who am I to say it doesn't work. But i can tell what it does seem like to me in my state of ignorance.

And the wounds that bring about the ptsd ... they are caused by dangers that just kept on coming. The explosions that wouldn't stop. The bullets that just kept buzzing past my ears. The wounding and killing of my soldiers. The smell of blood mingled with the mustiness of the jungle and the stinging aroma of gun smoke. A steady diet of terror well controlled now decides that it's time to surface.

[Michah]

Too true Troy.......I do not undertsand how dredging up pain that happened in the past, can help us understand our present.....

I already know why I have PTSD and I didn't need a professional to tell me why.......I don't want or need to talk about what happened to me, unless I am in the mood to, or if I think by telling my story, it will help someone else.

I am not against talking about stuff, it can be very therapeutic in the right setting, but regressive therapy, hypnotherapy and psychotherapy have made up the landscape of the last 20 years of my life.......and the things that worked were the practical things...

Bright light, wear sunglasses
Loud noises, wear earplugs
Anxiety, hone in on the sound of your breathing and measure it (being mindful)

The smell of the jungle, the sound of gunfire, the tread of the dirt beneath your feet in that terrifying land will be with you always, and in many ways, it makes you who you are, but what it also does is imprison you "in the moment". It is when you can live through those moments again and again as an observer, a mindful observer of your own events, without judgement or fear and KNOW it for what it WAS, not what it IS. Be in it, but not of it. Does that make sense?

Ah listen to how easy I make it sound? Feel free, dear friend, to tell me to go jump in a lake........

You do not HAVE to do anything you do not want to do.

But as I have mentioned before, forgiveness is the only way to peace, and THAT is the hardest journey.....but infinately the most rewarding and enduring one of all. No therapist can teach you how to forgive, but sometimes we can call on others to help us, whether it be therapists or friends or colleagues.......

The journey of forgiveness is best taken alone, but you do not have to be lonely. And you are loved my friend......I need not tell you again

All is as it should be and everything in its place.......

Michah

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Troy

The remark from Open Eyes about our ptsd responses having been born in events that just kept on coming is something new for me, but when i hear it, I slap myself on the forehead and say, of course.

The physical combat wound heal, but the mental/emotional/psychological/brain wounds have no way of correcting themselves.

When my system is shattered by a sudden loud noise now, I am pretty much out of control insofar as a subsequent loud noise. My anger is at the top, no matter how much i hide it from others. My rage is just under the skin.

We can't put a splint or a cast on the brain and allow the wound to heal. And re-exposing the brain to the trauma doesn't seem like an intelligent approach. Would it make sense to keep whacking a broken leg to get it to heal? Of course, the professionals have studied all of this and who am I to say it doesn't work. But i can tell what it does seem like to me in my state of ignorance.

And the wounds that bring about the ptsd ... they are caused by dangers that just kept on coming. The explosions that wouldn't stop. The bullets that just kept buzzing past my ears. The wounding and killing of my soldiers. The smell of blood mingled with the mustiness of the jungle and the stinging aroma of gun smoke. A steady diet of terror well controlled now decides that it's time to surface.

Good Troy,
It is up to you, I agree, you are just letting yourself listen to that inner voice. Thats ok, that is a beginning, yes, that is there and yes, it's ok to see it, you came up with that on your own. Ok, that was good, you let that out.

BUT just remember, yes it did keep coming, that is part of what that inner voice is saying. ( But it isn't coming now) (That IS the splint), that is also what the BRAIN INJURY needs to know. Do you see?

Remember the whole point is to not only to see the broken leg, but that it has to heal. Just like your body did. No, your body is not the same, but it did heal Troy. The same for the BRAIN INJURY. Go easy, just like your body had to, remember, your body had to take time, do you remember how your body needed time? You had to be EASY with it, remember?
Same thing with the BRAIN INJURY, (EASY). The splint, the cast, what it needs is to know, IT IS NOT HAPPENING NOW. It is going to take time Troy, one day at a time, sometimes, one moment at a time. That is what will SLOWLY (HEAL) THE BRAIN INJURY.

Good Troy

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

When I have had flashbacks, I found that what was happening is that my brain was showing me how it was injured.

I realized that what I needed to do is take a moment and say, in my mind, ok, yes that did happen, yes I remember now. ACKNOWLEGEMENT.

Now whats the next step? Well, ok, I got through it back then. HOW I HANDLED IT BACK THEN, MENTALLY HANDELED THE INCIDENT.

Ok, now what do it do next? IT IS NOT HAPPENING NOW

OK, THAT TAKES TIME TO REALIZE, OH, YES, I REALIZE IT NOW.

What comes next? I knodd a lot, and say ok, yes, and then I look at where I am and what that means is that it is not there, no, it is here.

So what does that mean? What that means is that you are slowly working on allowing the BRAIN INJURY to slowly start to ASSOCIATE to now.

Before, we DISASSOCIATED, so the BRAIN INJURY did not heal.

If you can close your eyes and think of your brain. Whenever a brain learns something new, it starts to SLOWLY make a pathway to remembering what it is learning. Now, this pathway takes time and the only way it can really get STRONG is by PRACTICING the new knowledge.

Every single thing that you have ever learned has been learned this way.
All the good and all the bad. Every time you walk, a long time ago that took practice and you re-enforce it every day you walk. Now you walk without really thinking about every step.

This is how you heal a BRAIN INJURY. It is learning how to ASSOCIATE to what is going on NOW. Just like everything else we learn or learn to do, we practice it over and over until our brain forms a complete connection so we don't have to think about every part of what we learned.

Think about your shoe laces. Remember how it took time to learn how to tie your shoes? You had to practice it slowly and think about how it is done, now, you can tie your shoes and you dont have to do that step by step. You don't have to concentrate on each and every little detail of tieing a shoe lace.

Now, I took a dog who could not walk anymore, could not even pick up her head. It was considered a hopeless case, only no one had ever tried to see. I can tell you, with a LOT of patience and time, I worked at it and I GOT THAT DOG TO WALK FREELY AGAIN.

Dont under-estimate the brain. THE BRAIN IS A MARVELOUS THING

Open Eyes

[Troy]

Your notes here and pm let me know that you have the same kind of experiences that I do. The flash backs are continuous. I mean like minute by minute. I know they are in the past, but they seem to want to control my present

Sure, I use some self-hypno to remind myself that this is all ptsd. I have a way to relax, to remind myself that this is not th present.

and it works to some extent. i relax. the moment passes. And then here it is again.

I even have a recurring moment from when i was 4 or 5 yrs old, and i'm sure it is csa. And it competes with and intertwines with the combat ptsd. I really think I am going crazy.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Troy

Your notes here and pm let me know that you have the same kind of experiences that I do. The flash backs are continuous. I mean like minute by minute. I know they are in the past, but they seem to want to control my present

Sure, I use some self-hypno to remind myself that this is all ptsd. I have a way to relax, to remind myself that this is not th present.

and it works to some extent. i relax. the moment passes. And then here it is again.

I even have a recurring moment from when i was 4 or 5 yrs old, and i'm sure it is csa. And it competes with and intertwines with the combat ptsd. I really think I am going crazy.

Sorry Troy,
I didn't see this post, I must have just missed it or it got covered with another thread.

As far as the intertwining of your youth experienced and what you are dealing with now,
well, yes they do intertwine. It was a time when you felt other fear and confusion and didn't understand. We are all our experiences from the very beginning Troy. So when something really sets us off, it is all there, all the parts of our own history from the beginning. And no matter what age you are, you are all of that age from the beginning of experienced life and learning and growning with the others around you. Parents, relatives and even friends and teachers, it is all there, every emotion and experience, good or bad.

I know that it is hard to control our emotions sometimes. The Flashbacks can come and we may not realize exactly why. I have found that if they do come I try to identify what set it off. And then I try to work on thinking about what did set it of and then I concentrate. And there is really no simple answer, it does take time, and now, there is no place to go to escape it. We cannot drink it away or drug it away. It just doesn't work. We have to consciously work at it and come to terms with it. And it is our own private journey, and no, others are not always going to understand. That is why therapy helps, finding someone who will listen and help us understand.
Also getting good support, being with others that can be understanding and compassionate. That really helps, just knowing that others feel it too, and it is not just you. That is so precious
I think that is why I like PC and I do reach out, and say, me too. I think thats what I needed to hear when I came here. And it didn't really happen overnight I was afraid here too. Just like you, I didn't really know exactly what was wrong and even felt guarded somehow. Afraid to open up, to myself, and even others.

And I know what it means to try, feel akward, maybe even be misunderstood and want to isolate from others like us even in here. Sometimes I feel like I can't even be confused or mentally ill right. Even if I say, no, Im not right, somethings not right, will that make others afraid of me, or not accept me, or even be threatened by me? Well, it happens outside PC too.

I look at others so differently now. That person down the street somewhere that never seems to come out of their house and may even seem unfriendly. Someone who lashes out at me and I feel upset like I did something wrong. Well, I have learned that it is not always me, someone is struggling and they are angry or confused themselves in some way.

I also understand how others critisize not only me but others for being different somehow, weak somehow. I can see it in my own relationships with others. Someone feels like they need to fix me and if they cant, they don't seem to realize that they can't fix me, no, they don't understand what it is that I feel. Even my own reactions towards others as I know they just don't get it somehow. And to be honest, I really wish that I could find a therapist that could really explain to my family how hard it really is for me. How some of the things they do and say makes it worse and even more frustrating. And yes, I do overreact in frustration, but now I see it, well thats a start.

Its almost like you try and then that moment comes where you react poorly and it makes everything so difficult, the conversation the event, the interaction with others. Then you get angry because it reminds you that somehow others still don't understand you even when you try. Frustrating, if you look at my mood with that little face, that is what I am all the time.
And I really do want to change that Troy. I am trying, but it is frustrating.

For example just the other day I talked to my attorney. Well as I told you I had really worked hard on the flashbacks and was doing much better at not having them come. But when I talked to my Lawyer, I started again and all my flashbacks came with the physical and emotional reactions and I got frantic. And to be honest, it took me a while to calm down. Just like you I came to PC just posted in fear and anger because I thought I had overcome so much. And I was very angry that I was struck down so bad.

For me I just wanted to run to people who had flashbacks and sudden onsets of all the bodily things that occur. I was not in a frame of mind to stop and think at all. I really understand the frustration of it. Even the anger of trying to control it. And also the fact that it is hard to explain to others, they just don't understand. I also understand how we distance. I do it too, because I can see others don't understand and well even a close friend just didn't get it and hurt me by telling me, I wanted to have it happen or I should get myself together.
I really cared for my friend, but I dont' call her now. I don't want someone to yell at me, I do enough of that to myself and it only reminds me of the fact that others don't really understand.

Stupid me, I wasn't even thinking, I wrote and wrote, I wanted so bad for someone to give me something Troy. I needed a word or something to calm me down. I do know how hard it is Troy. It can make you so frantic. Truely not even think rationally. I think that I hate that most of all. Its frightening and lonely and very confusing. I almost think there should be a forum that says, Im not thinking right and being irrational could someone get my mind set back? Maybe some kind of open thread that says, Whatever just come, rant, vent, irrationalize, don't have to spell right, can sound confusing, out of place, off topic, its ok if you leave out words. Or even have no real topic just a complete emotional expression that is understandably out of sorts.

No, that was me yesterday and the day before, I got worse and then everyone around me that I tryed to grab, they just all tore me down. I didn't say this right, or do that right or it was inappropriate behavior. And somehow, no one had to tell me that or even show their anger, no, I had enough of my own. No, I did everything wrong Troy, and I did try to somehow reach out.

I know how it feels to just want someone to help it stop or it just can make you angry and so irrational. Yesterday, everyone was angry at me and I had a horrible day. The only good moments I had were with the children I saw that day. Thank god for them. I don't know what it is about the children, being with the pony, it helps so much. Maybe because they don't really look at me so much, just their own joy or the pony. I was really afraid because I had to take a pill and I was really bad. I don't like to take medication and drive and deal with people.

Well, I am here Troy. I am listening and I do understand. It can be so hard. Just know I understand the anger and frustration and I will listen.
I know what its like to feel like you have nothing to grab onto to calm you down. It is a lot of work and I too get very frustrated. And last night, I was really shot and exhausted and did not want to hear whatever I did or said that was wrong. I could feel my heart pounding and I don't like that. I have to really concentrate my way through it. And yes, it feels very alone and even scary. Someone posted, its not you, it is the PTSD talking. I really appreciated that post. It was a message, someone understands out there yes, thank you for reminding me and putting it into perspective.

I am here, I will listen, try to help. I had wanted to hear that the last two days. I couldn't seem to get it, and I did really need it. And it really made me want to disappear. But there is today, that time for realizing that I am still fighting PTSD and I will make mistakes. And, no, others are not going to understand it. And yes, others are going to repremand me but I do have to take it all in and learn from it. Try better next time give myself another chance.

I will listen Troy, I do know how important that is.

Open Eyes

[jrflipjr]

Thank you Open Eyes! Your words here are more powerful than many of the posts, sites, therapists and peers I've dealt with. I, too, walk the lonely road of PTSD but I am comforted in knowing there really are others who can relate and don't judge, offer expertise, or discount what I experience. ...thanks!