[Troy]

"I'll look into it. You leave it alone," said my boss.

"But this looks awful suspicious. This isn't much evidence
that she was killed by the enemy."

"I told you I'd look into it. Don't say anymore about it."

"Colonel, we need to investigate this and make sure just how she was killed."

"Shut the f-up. I told you not to say anything more about it."

And that afternoon, we got orders to take our entire company thirty miles into the jungle by helicopter. The three-day mission turned into a ten-day mission. .

When we returned, the soldiers were busy cleaning weapons and equipment. I was called to HQ and told that our scheduled two days in the rear to rest up from the mission had been canceled. We were leaving at dawn on another mission.

Mission completed. Same routine. No rest. Just reload and go. These were not mission essential operations. They were far outside the higher HQ area of responsibility. They were operations designed to punish me and my troops for asking for the investigation.

I learned to keep my mouth shut when the colonel said so. And the death was never properly investigated.

This many years later, I still feel like a creep for telling the story. No matter how mad I was at the colonel for not investigating, and no matter how terrible the operations were, I still feel like there is some dishonor in revealing that this kind of thing goes on.

I tried to report the boss to his higher HQ at the time and got in even more trouble when my leaders found out about it. This and many other things corrected my view that all high ranking officers felt the same call to Duty-Honor-Country that we were taught.

These kinds of incidents were probably isolated to my incompetent boss and a few others like him, but there is some kind of code of honor that makes me feel like a creep to post it here for the world to see. It adds to the level of guilt for not having succeeded even though I tried to do something about her death.

We're taught that everything that happens in our area of responsibility or with people in our command is to our credit or to our fault. All of it lies with the commander - It gets tangled with the ptsd of other combat experiences and makes me feel totally at fault.

Troy - the whistle blower - the creep

[CedarS]

I want to let you know that I and others are reading your posts and that you are not a creep. I understand that is what you were made to feel. You were doing the best you could in difficult circumstances.

I don't know if you are interested in this, but have you ever read the book Achilles in Vietnam: Combat Trauma and the Undoing of Character? Very good book.

Best wishes to you.

[Troy]

Thanks for the note CedarS ... I appreciate your recommending the book. I can sometimes write about Vn, but even short magazine articles trigger me with panic and tears. I wonder if the book would be helpful or more torture. What are your thoughts about this, since you've read it?

There are a few incidents like the one I described that really make me question who I am. I've always thought that I would not be one who let the evil ppl get away with their misdeeds. Over the years, I've been in more trouble than you can imagine because I called bosses on their wrong doings or turned ppl in for crimes.

Even in combat I was in serious trouble several times for not letting things get swept under the rug. After I returned from Vn I made an effort to get this colonel prosecuted for this incident and others, but that didn't work out.

Deep inside, though, I feel like I was part of the evil doing since the incident was never properly investigated. Sure, it might have happened just the way I was told, but if it was, why was I kept in the deep jungle where I couldn't do anything about it. My whole unit suffered because the colonel didn't want us near anyone of authority who might reopen this incident.

There was another incident later on where another soldier did something terrible to the corpse of an enemy soldier. The soldier wasn't in my unit, but word got around. When i was told one day to meet with the next higher boss, I mentioned that he might ask me questions that would reveal things in our territory. I was ordered to meet with him anyway and keep my mouth shut.

I did and I didn't ... I met with him, but I didn't keep my mouth shut, and Wham! ... life was very unpleasant after that as well. As far as I know, nothing was ever done to the soldier who did wrong, only to the whistle blower and his unit.

So...why should I feel like a creep? What gives me this complex? I want to stick up for the military and deflect criticism from those who don't understand the confusion and mist of combat. I know that almost every soldier is honorable and doing the best he can. But then I remember those ppl I ran into who damaged my character by preventing me from doing the right thing. And I know that some of the criticism could be well founded.

Years of doing the harder right instead of the easier wrong, and these things nag at me saying ... you're a fake. You didn't do the harder right. You caved in you creep.

Telling this kind of stuff makes me feel the way I imagine POW's feel when they reveal things about their units.

[bebop]

hon you shouldn't feel so bad about yourself on this. you know and I know there were many many crimes that never got punished in VN. Not saying it was right by any means but that was life there and then. It has left many men scared. You did what YOU could to help. YOU tried!