[LLMF]

Not to sound like I'm not playing with a full deck, but I'm probably not lol. For the most part, I enjoyed Iraq. Lots of commraderie, quiet nights on OP's (most of the time) The stimulation of staying awake and waiting for the next adrenaline rush. Lol lots of caffeine pills and energy drinks. I liked the desolate feeling of slowly driving in black out waiting to see something through the NOD's. Even though we were in the middle of sector with only 16 people, I still felt like I was at home.

[vetswife]

I know my husband misses it. If he didn't get hurt he would be there now.

[bebop]

I think most vets miss combat and all that goes with it. I know my late husband missed it terribly.

[(JD)]

Of course you miss it. It's what you were trained to do, it became your element, with the others, the comraderie was a big part of it, the unit - your extended family who went through it with you, who fully understand without having to discuss it... and when PTSD changes you, and you have to try and assimilate back into home life and public life, you want to go back where you can respond with authority and drown out the ptsd noise... even though it isn't quite how it happens.

Keep working on adjusting to what is normal back here.

[Troy]

Nothing quite like the sound of a machine gun in the night or the smell of napalm at dawn.

The forth of july fireworks were particularly strong triggers this year. When it was most intense at this display we attended, I thought, "I could tell my family that this is what it sounds like in combat, only about a hundred times more intense"

And the rocket's red glare - turn all of it into the flash/bang of explosives and bombs and outline everything with tracer rounds

Just behind the hill were these explosions and a glow of light above the tree line ... like 200# bombs doing their work.

You know what? If I could just slip off into the night and join the fight -- what a great gift that would be. And then the fireworks were over, and all of the ooooos and ahhhhhs were finished, and everyone picked up the laughter and light comments about how beautiful it was. If they could only see inside the fireworks, they'd know its beauty from a different perspective.

It's all irrational. Illogical. Insane. Who in their right mind would want to return to combat? Who would see beauty in weapon's fireing and bombs exploding?

Who in their right mind would feel the safety of holding a live grenade with the pin pulled, just waiting for the right moment to throw it at someone? And the warm feel of a well oiled rifle hanging in my right hand, the comfort of knowing my ammo pouches are full of well checked bullets.

And that certain calm that comes with the fight - handling the weapons and the radio with ease - finding targets and shooting, calling in air and red leg. Answering questions, reporting to higher, directing the fight and shooting - all at the same time.
With the snap of passing bullets, and the laughter when you know they missed you. Right back at u, #*!&

All I know is that I can't continue here. Being gone a few days did me some good, but I can see that this short visit brings back more memories than are good for me. Who could imagine that my fingers throw the words out, and I say "That's right. That's the way it was." Memory in the fingers, just like the instinct to pull the trigger is in the fingers.

I really think I'm going over the edge. Sorry.

[(JD)]

No, not quite over the edge. PTSD causes the thoughts/thinking to be illogical, irrational. THAT IS THE DISORDER...not you.

To feel in control, be in the "element" of war, battling it.... there. Here, you feel powerless, it's a mind game you have to win... constantly tell yourself what you are thinking and feeling is irrational. (And they you begin to question if that isn't also your being irrational...what is real anymore?)

I was injured in a thunderstorm...so the thunder, fireworks, backfires etc yeah all trigger me. Not so bad now, after 21 years... but how can that be encouraging? If someone had told me it would take this long to even begin to feel normal sometimes... guess that's why they didn't share that. My T had said it isn't curable, but that I can learn to live with it, and have a life... so at least he didn't lead me astray..and he's still hanging with me.

[bebop]

hon think of it this way. we have talked about this before I think. if you talk about it it is a way of "giving it away" if you can talk about small things a little at a time it gives you time to deal with that issue. it takes alot of time to sort it all out and work thru it. please don't leave. take as much time as you need in between. we care here hon.

[desertnurse1977]

I miss it all the time. I was a combat medic - I also sat on OP's - took IED hits in our Bradleys..... sat up all night drinking red bull..... foot patrols at night with one team......

I made some ofthe closest friends i will ever have when i was there... and i still talk to them even three years later and we are all in different units... some got out.... or changed jobs.

I didn't sleep for a whole year (more or less) while I was in a 14 month school...... it was hard... people didn't understand..... i was on a bunch of different meds..... it mostly sucked.... and it didn't help my reputation at all as a soldier - which most of us who have gone through this understand.

i still have a hard time with a somewhat short fuse.... but its getting better as I have found a way to channel my frustrations into my work and become more productive, and more optimistic.

Even people I don't know who have been deployed I seem to bond better with than most. It's a much more intimate environment when the only people you have to rely on in life or death are the people to your right or left. it changes your outlook on the less important.

[Troy]

You're a hero doc...Frontline medic/corpsmen(person) - you're the best. Thanks for all you did and all you're doing. And you're right -- close friends among strangers.

T.

[vetswife]

I agree. You guys are heroes and I admire you.

My husband was also a combat medic; special forces during dessert storm. The guys at the VFW call him Doc too.

What you guys do and sacrafice amazes me.

I salute you.

[(JD)]

all around!

[Troy]

Salute to you LLMF ... !!!