[PasDeDeux]

I agree with Peg. I go away sometimes for a year at a time but I do not come back with a new name, I do not quit the site (and have seen that happen a few times) and I never know thus I do not announce my going.

Everyone is different, it may suit you to be like that but not others so I don't see why others should suffer.

I think its a silly idea and things should be left as they are.

If its not broke don't try to fix it !

[sanityseeker]

I do the same Sabrina because I can't personally manage the drama so I keep my distance sometimes. Having gone through it I am now very reserved with how attached I get to people here or anywhere online. I am happy when I see someone return but I am sad at the same time because I know I can't risk reaching out for fear they may leave again. I count on others here to step up when I can't because I still care and I do want them to get the support PC has to offer even if I can't overtly contribute to that support.

I will come out and share that I was suspended from PC a few years ago but was never allowed back so I was virtually banned. I had involved myself in a heated battle with another member that got way out of hand. We each had our allies and it became really ugly and hurtful. I came back about a year later determined not to let anything like that to happen again. It took me a long time before I posted and even then I was very cautious. Now I am more relaxed and open but still careful.

The point is that the drama sparked several members to announce that they were leaving PC and to point fingers in the process. Had I not been suspended I would likely have done the same because the emotions were that intense and speaking for myself... that out of control.

I think this is the kind of situation that Peg might be referring to. When people leave or threaten to leave out of hurt or anger which may in turn cause other people to feel badly for the loss or to feel the need to pick a side and join the crusade and consequently to heighten the emotions. That kind of situation isn't good for anyone.

I think the decision to ban leaving messages has effectively stopped those kinds of situations. Sometimes taking a break messages verge on crossing that same line but they don't seem to trigger the same reactions as leaving messages did in the past. They seem to be a good compromise and an effective way for people to take a break to calm down without causing any exit or re-entry drama.

I apologize if it seems I have gone off topic but I appreciate Peg for being honest about her worry. I don't support a rule about it because I think people do need to be supported no matter. At the same time I think we do need to do our best to consider how our actions impact others. Maybe I am expecting too much. Maybe I am putting unreasonable conditions down before I will freely offer support to everyone equally. Maybe I am speaking from my own fears of abandonment or my own sense of untrustworthiness. I think it may be complicated.

I do acknowledge that I am hyper-protective of myself and that this could be one of those topic that may be too close for me to be thinking too much about.

She says after overthinking it to death. oops!

[darkrunner]

Sanityseeker - thank you for your honesty.


Pegasus - I understand your concerns and I think a rule might be helpful to protect those of us who are affected by this behavior. But as someone else mentioned, I just don't see a way this kind of rule could possibly be enforced, because that person could always just register again with a new name.

Originally Posted by Sabrina

Personally, I now ignore those that leave and come back and leave and come back. I can't understand the behaviour and it is easier for me to just ignore it.

Me too. Way too much drama for me. Too much like people in my real life. I can't and won't deal with it here.

If they are not announcing they are leaving, leave then return where's the harm ?

[pegasus]

Thanks for all the great responses, every single one of them.

It was just an idea I was throwing out there to see what you all thought. Obviously it's not up to me, it's not my website and as some have said it would probably be impossible to implement.

Let me explain a little more where I am coming from. A member joins makes lots of friends and then something happens for them to make the rash decision to leave and close their account. Hypothetically I am their friend and beg them to stay to no avail. Much upset. Then they reappear with much song and dance and yes I'm extremely happy to see them. They are welcomed with opened arms as they should on a support site. But then looking back, they have done this before and other members have done this also. I am wary and scared to be their friend again incase they leave again. It's a heck of a roller coaster ride to be involved in this.

But some of you have said that you refuse to get involved in this sort of drama, you have taught me much and I will be trying to follow that example.

What I would say/plead is that any member wanting to delete their account - Please think first about just taking a break. Then there is none of the drama or roller coaster ride, you are simply taking a break.

Thanks again to all.

[SweetSunshine]

Pegasus,

You and I have been members here for a long time. We've seen alot go on around here too. And I know who you are talking about in this thread. This person did not leave on a rash decision at all. This person was Extremely hurt by others. I can understand their reason for needing to leave at the time. But it was their compassion for their friends here that made them want to come back. Hoping that they would be welcomed back with open arms. Now had this been either one of us, wouldn't you want to be welcomed back the same way instead of a thread being made about you like this? I'm sorry, I just feel this is backstabbing and I don't understand why this thread hasn't been locked by and admin already. They certainly know this has got to be about one particular member! I know I will probably get in trouble for this. But this is one reason I usualy don't post alot, because it always comes back to haunt you in the end. I guess I try to follow the rule ( most of the time till something upsets me) if you can't say something nice, don't say it at all.) I know if a thread like this was started about me, I'd feel like this place is rejecting me. And Lord only knows I've had enough of that in my life . Why would we want to do that to another person?

Nuff said.
Beth

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by SweetSunshine

Pegasus,

You and I have been members here for a long time. We've seen alot go on around here too. And I know who you are talking about in this thread. This person did not leave on a rash decision at all. This person was Extremely hurt by others. I can understand their reason for needing to leave at the time. But it was their compassion for their friends here that made them want to come back. Hoping that they would be welcomed back with open arms. Now had this been either one of us, wouldn't you want to be welcomed back the same way instead of a thread being made about you like this? I'm sorry, I just feel this is backstabbing and I don't understand why this thread hasn't been locked by and admin already. They certainly know this has got to be about one particular member! I know I will probably get in trouble for this. But this is one reason I usualy don't post alot, because it always comes back to haunt you in the end. I guess I try to follow the rule ( most of the time till something upsets me) if you can't say something nice, don't say it at all.) I know if a thread like this was started about me, I'd feel like this place is rejecting me. And Lord only knows I've had enough of that in my life . Why would we want to do that to another person?

Nuff said.
Beth

Beth, I stated very clearly at the beginning of this thread that it was not about one particular member. Like you, I have been here a very long time and I have seen several members do this. I am not 'backstabbing' anyone, this thread was started to gain opinions about helping members to stay here and think of the community before leaving/rejoining/leaving. I'm thinking of the community as a whole and for people to think before they act.

Peace!

Must admit I was thinking along the same lines as sweetsunshine.

[amandalouise]

Question

I havent read this whole thread yet so I might be repeating something someone else has thought of. Has anyone considered how this rule could affect the non integrated or non co conscious dissociatives and those with ego state/ trance dissociative disordered people yet?

before I was integrated I had a few alters that would protect the secrets at all costs. They did things like take phone call messages and not tell me, go to doctor appointments and not tell me, cancel appointments, magazine subscriptions, close out bank accounts, deactivate email accounts, delete my accounts on line. I no longer have this problem but others here might.

has anyone considered yet how this could adversely affect or unintentionally penalize someone whose alternate personalities purpose/job it is to protect the secrets at all costs by canceling out things, delete accounts for the protection of the body they live within? Especially if the aware self is not aware of what their alters are doing.

Another question

has anyone considered how this could adversely affect or unintentionally penalize those with mental disorders where paranoia is present so they say they are taking a break or leaving because they feel they don't fit in, they are scared someone has come here to harm them? They delete their accounts and go away then come back when they feel the coast is clear.

Another question

has anyone considered how this could adversely affect or unintentionally penalize those in abusive relationships where their abusive spouse, partner, family gets access to their accounts and acting on their victims behalf or forces their victims to delete their accounts. working at the crisis center I see many victims of domestic violence whose abusers have done this to isolate and have control over their victims.

[purple_fins]

I feel the action of banning someone from the reason that they are perhaps-- suffering-- would be like their childhood all over again.

I was here from 2005-2008 and was struggling horribly all that time with much going on in my life... I've always been a quiet member.... meaning, I make very few friends and don't instigate drama... I doubt if anyone knew I'd left(didn't say a word about it) and most dont even remember me

I left because the voices were too much for me to handle-- they were here with a vengence. telling me -- " You're worthless, no one at PC wants to hear from you, people here at PC think you are stupid"... etc.... etc.... I didn't know how to get the voices to stop-- the only way I knew was to leave..... so.... I reluctantly left. I didn't leave to spite anyone, or didn't have anything against anyone here..... I didn't leave for attention.... I left because of my illness. I would never want to hurt anyone because I left.

Please don't ban someone for their illness. what if I have to leave again??... I'm hoping I won't and I'm working REALLY REALLY hard with things, through therapy, marriage counseling and other stuff... but what if I have a relapse?? will I be punished here too -- like I am in the outside world??

Please understand that for some of us-- it's not about you--- we don't want to hurt you..... it's about our fragility...... please don't further want to break an already fragile being..... please.....

I've been through hell and back again in childhood and also as an adult... please understand that there are many reasons people leave and some just need understanding.

fins

(((((((everyone))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) since I think I am the one we are talking about as I am the one who came back and if i am wrong ever so sorry for that.
Years ago when I first came to pc , i made a mistake and delted. Back then i think there was a delte button. Once again if i am wrong i am sorry. I came back with on the hour as the same name same person.
2 mths ago when I delted, It was what i needed to do for me. Im sorry if it has upset ppl.
I as you see have come back as the same name as alway. Muffy. No hidden anything.
I am sorry for any hurt I have caused. Sometimes in life things happen where I have to do things to keep me safe. It was not to cause drama. Once again I am so very sorry for those I hurt in leaving.
This is the truth untill you walk in my shoes please do not judge me or anyone. No one knows whats going on , on the other side of the screen Meaning in ppls homes and thier lifes.
I did not delte to upset anyone. Im so sorry.
I am most grateful for the ppl who have welcomed me back. Life is to short . Forgiveness and caring are important.
Thats all I can say.....
I cryed when I delted ......................as i felt alot of you were my family. I cryed cause I knew I had hurt some here. I cryed cause it was like lossing my family all over again.
But it was something I had to do....................
Once again Im sorry and thats all i can say.
Im not perfect..............
one more thing you never stopped mattering to me I was watching.....

[pegasus]

(((((((( purple fins ))))))))) This thread was not meant to make anyone returning feel bad. I was seriously glad to see you come back and I am happy that others have returned but what is so difficult about just taking a break? It means you keep your post count and saves members worrying about you. Can you see what I am saying?

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by muffy

(((((((everyone))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) since I think I am the one we are talking about as I am the one who came back and if i am wrong ever so sorry for that.
Years ago when I first came to pc , i made a mistake and delted. Back then i think there was a delte button. Once again if i am wrong i am sorry. I came back with on the hour as the same name same person.
2 mths ago when I delted, It was what i needed to do for me. Im sorry if it has upset ppl.
I as you see have come back as the same name as alway. Muffy. No hidden anything.
I am sorry for any hurt I have caused. Sometimes in life things happen where I have to do things to keep me safe. It was not to cause drama. Once again I am so very sorry for those I hurt in leaving.
This is the truth untill you walk in my shoes please do not judge me or anyone. No one knows whats going on , on the other side of the screen Meaning in ppls homes and thier lifes.
I did not delte to upset anyone. Im so sorry.
I am most grateful for the ppl who have welcomed me back. Life is to short . Forgiveness and caring are important.
Thats all I can say.....
I cryed when I delted ......................as i felt alot of you were my family. I cryed cause I knew I had hurt some here. I cryed cause it was like lossing my family all over again.
But it was something I had to do....................
Once again Im sorry and thats all i can say.
Im not perfect..............
one more thing you never stopped mattering to me I was watching.....

(((((((( muffy )))))))))

I ask you the same questions that I asked purple fins, why not just take a break rather than deleting your account?

Muffy....

I really REALLY feel you have NO need to say sorry as you are well within your rights to do as you did. There is NO rule stating that you cannot return with the same name or with a different name for that matter at any time after you have deleted your account.

HUGS to you hun

[SweetSunshine]

Muffy, in my heart, you are always welcomed. Because I know your a true friend thru and thru. Things happen.. just glad you are here again. All else is in the past. Where it should be.

And I agree with you whole heartedly... we don't know what its like to walk in others shoes until we've been in theirs. Not always the most pleasant place to be.

Hugs to all,
Beth

[purple_fins]

Originally Posted by pegasus

(((((((( purple fins ))))))))) This thread was not meant to make anyone returning feel bad. I was seriously glad to see you come back and I am happy that others have returned but what is so difficult about just taking a break? It means you keep your post count and saves members worrying about you. Can you see what I am saying?

I can understand what you are saying and I can also appreciate the hurt of feeling left behind, a back turned, an absent chair.... I do understand.

with that said-- when a person is VERY fragile- and VERY ill-- the post count is the least of things going on in ones head. I did give my email address to anyone that kept in touch with me through PM as I didn't want them to feel abandonded.
I had to leave-- delete the account-- that quieted the voices-- you see? the voices left me alone, as I had fewer social connections then.

I'm sorry I can't explain more right now-- I have to go to doctors... have an outpatient op I have to go have done this morning have to log-off for now.

Please know I understand your fragility of abandonment. I"m so sorry you hurt in that way (I feel that way at times too when people have gone away)-- please, can you understand this part of mine-- the fear of being accepted? ... the very idea of being a part of something-- I starve for it and yet this "thing" keeps me from it. (I know it's backwards... I'm backwards.... it's just the crux of the disorder) I really have to go before I'm late! I'm sorry I can't converse more at this time.... doc will be upset if I'm late!

PM me if you need/want to.

fins

pegasus--

[SweetSunshine]

Originally Posted by pegasus

(((((((( purple fins ))))))))) This thread was not meant to make anyone returning feel bad. I was seriously glad to see you come back and I am happy that others have returned but what is so difficult about just taking a break? It means you keep your post count and saves members worrying about you. Can you see what I am saying?

Peg,
I don't know about you, but I know that sometimes when we are in distress, we don't always think clearly about what we need to do for everyone else. We feel hurt and in a cesspool of our own pain. And not always do we remember what we've once done before in the past and remember not to do it again. Sometimes we just know that we need to protect ourselves from pain, hurt etc. I'm sure we've all felt like this at one time or another. Why be penalized for it? It only adds more pain to it all in the end? And I know myself, I wouldn't care about my post count... if I was deeply hurting. I don't believe anyone intentionally tries to hurt people by leaving either. But this is just my opinion.

[AAAAA]

Gone is gone, whether I delete my account or just not log on. (((Anyone that has felt the need to leave))). I’m sorry that you had to go through whatever it is that put you in that place, but you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. In life we have to make the best decision we can at the time, even if other people think it’s a mistake.