[Calla lily12]

This forum is special to many of us. Sometimes, it's a lifeline. It really is sad when people argue over the simplest of topics. I doubt that anyone here intends to hurt another by their responses . I just feel like yelling STOP IT!
If you disagree, disagree but do it respectfully (like most here do ) If you don't believe a post, what is forcing you to reply? I'm not trying to be a know it all....I just care deeply about this forum and it's members. I have to follow my own suggestions, also. Just, please , take a breath . Please ….. we are all here for different reasons, but they're all valid. If they aren't, the mods will take care of it. Please can't we be more civil?

[Calla lily12]

Nothing? No responses??
I killed my own thread.

[CepheidVariable]

Maybe nobody has anything further to add?

You're right because first and foremost this is a support forum ... not a debating forum or a clinic. DocJohn has explained that repeatedly. No matter how much we *might* think we're correct, we don't know each other in real life and aren't there to pick up the pieces (or worse).

I know it's hard sometimes. I often have several tabs open, and have on occasion slapped Ctrl+Q then gone for a walk to get some emotional distance.

Thank you Calla lily.

[Calla lily12]

CepheidVariable
Thanks for replying. I was afraid I said something wrong again. I appreciate your comments. You're right, also. Everyone is in a different place and may or may not see "supportive" as the same thing.
Thanks again.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Calla lily12

Nothing? No responses??
I killed my own thread.

LOL - I dont think you can kill your own thread, technically! Probably what happened is it got pushed to the 2nd page of new posts overnight, since you originally posted it kinda late, so people just didnt see it. I rarely go to page 2 anymore. But i agree. A spoonful of sugar or stevia, please.

I agree with you CallaLily, CepheidVariable, and Unaluna.

I don't have anything pertinent to add...just want to show my support

I think the speaker shares some really important truths here. Certainly not easy for any of us humans to think or act the way he suggests but a wonderful goal to work toward!!! When he spoke about "the ultimate slavery" I found it so poignant and valuable.

I also enjoy the humor

I'd love to know what others think. Could we try to live this way on and off PC??

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Calla lily12

Nothing? No responses??
I killed my own thread.

In all fairness, I only saw this thread now. Not because of the site or anything but because of my own life and hadn't popped in to scroll forums. I'm usually scanning posts, newer and unanswered. Chalk it up to timing.

[DocJohn]

If you find someone being disrespectful or argumentative in what is clearly meant to be an effort to gain emotional support or advice, please report the offending post(s). Thank you!

[Calla lily12]

Originally Posted by unaluna

LOL - I dont think you can kill your own thread, technically! Probably what happened is it got pushed to the 2nd page of new posts overnight, since you originally posted it kinda late, so people just didnt see it. I rarely go to page 2 anymore. But i agree. A spoonful of sugar or stevia, please.

Only sugar, unaluna. Stevia tastes like ****. Thanks for your response, it made me smile.

[Fuzzybear]

Hugs Calla lily12

[sarahsweets]

I do not think it is wrong to 'debate' on a support forum in certain circumstances. Like, if someone asks for help because they are sad and depressed then that is not a debatable thing, they need help and support. But if someone asks for opinions on some things like: " are vaccines bad?" " "Is seroquel safe?" " Did I ignore my significant other" or "am I wrong?" I think answers to stuff like that can be at least be debatable.

de·bate Dictionary result for debate
/dəˈbāt/Submit
noun
1.
a formal discussion on a particular topic in a public meeting or legislative assembly, in which opposing arguments are put forward.
1.
argue about (a subject), especially in a formal manner.
"the board debated his proposal"

In this context as long as people are not mean, rude or abusive I think it can be healthy. Arguing by hurting (" You are stupid for believing that and even dumber for doing that") is never ok on a support forum. It all depends on context of course.

I find spirited debates stimulating and good for my critical thinking skills provided they are in the right context and not hurting or going against an OP's stated wishes. I think a lot of people are very sensitive to what they perceive as criticism or being wrong. Having your viewpoint challenged doesn't make you wrong and isn't always meant to be personal. The most important thing is to say if your feelings were hurt and apologize if you are the one doing the hurting. I do not have an issue apologizing and admitting mistakes. Sometimes my sarcasm gets away from me or I am too blunt. Sometimes my knee jerk reaction or runnaway mouth gets in the way. Other times I forget to take others' experiences into account or just plain screw up. Admitting you screwed up helps maintain humility, and can help the person you hurt, hurt less.

I wish everyone was kind and civil too.

Maybe some people are battling mental illness here and a work-in-progress when it comes to kindness. Of course, that doesn't give them the right to treat anyone with anything less than dignity and respect. But it gives me the grace to take a deep breath and not let them get to me too much (I know, easier said than done)

[TishaBuv]

There have been a few threads about wanting everybody to be polite and kind on PC.

While I learned The Golden Rule, and always try to adhere to it. I feel I just want to leave room here for everybody. I like that all walks of life kinds of people can find this place and express themselves; even if their expression is gruff and negative.

If you can’t lie and be belligerent on a free, anonymous psych forum, then where can you? Lol.

We can all exist together, even with mean, obnoxious people being however they are. Yes, even though that’s triggering to the sensitive people.

[CepheidVariable]

Hi sarahsweets. Perhaps I should clarify my post. I wasn't trying to suggest there is no place for discussion or civil debate here. I believe the original poster was talking about when it devolves into uncivil arguments, which happens all too often and can cause considerable trauma for some vulnerable people.

I was stating that I believe the support aspect takes priority. And that people should take care before getting into or continuing certain exchanges. It sounds like you do.

I was also referring to when people push "help" that isn't wanted. It won't work anyways and can do serious harm.

Anyhow, ultimately the moderators are the arbiters when things get ugly. But I would hope those of us who are capable of doing so, would show some personal restraint. Use the report button if necessary. Please don't fan the flames. (This isn't directed at anyone in particular.)

Good night everyone.

[Turtleboy]

as a rule we do not permit debate here, there are sites out there specifically for that type of thing. We have to remember, many of us come here to get things off our chest or air our real world frustrations, we are real people with real life struggles and on top of that we have mental health issues and constantly fight the stigma too, it's exhausting.

From my own experience as a member, not every time a person puts forward whats eating them up,they may not be looking for an answer, they can simply be searching for the unburdening of frustration, then they use their own self care to adapt back to the stresses. We are all from different backgrounds, different life experiences and different issues with our mental health. We cannot forget that many of us are constantly in a process of change. It can feel like banging your head against a wall, trying in earnest to help a person who is in a situation you were in, try to give them advice based on experience, but they may not be ready and in a place to hear it yet. I'm sure many of us experienced this.


If i can just add, we don't know what somebody is dealing with. We should never attempt to engage in "debate" in somebody else's process of getting out their problems. A debate is supposed to be between two people in a professional forum discussing differing opinions NOT someone in emotional distress looking for help being subjected to scrutiny. Also please remember we do not offer therapy or answers, just a place for us to go and socialize and unburden ourselves BUT this does not mean that you have to engage in posts or threads that upset you, it literally is up to you to follow the golden rule as stated above.

I'm here quite a long time and that's just my two cents, be empathic, humble and treat each other with respect and most importantly, do your own self care.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by Turtleboy

as a rule we do not permit debate here, there are sites out there specifically for that type of thing. We have to remember, many of us come here to get things off our chest or air our real world frustrations, we are real people with real life struggles and on top of that we have mental health issues and constantly fight the stigma too, it's exhausting.

I wish I could change my wording and not have used the word debate because the way you explain it makes sense.

From my own experience as a member, not every time a person puts forward whats eating them up,they may not be looking for an answer, they can simply be searching for the unburdening of frustration, then they use their own self care to adapt back to the stresses. We are all from different backgrounds, different life experiences and different issues with our mental health. We cannot forget that many of us are constantly in a process of change. It can feel like banging your head against a wall, trying in earnest to help a person who is in a situation you were in, try to give them advice based on experience, but they may not be ready and in a place to hear it yet. I'm sure many of us experienced this.

Good points to remember.

If i can just add, we don't know what somebody is dealing with. We should never attempt to engage in "debate" in somebody else's process of getting out their problems. A debate is supposed to be between two people in a professional forum discussing differing opinions NOT someone in emotional distress looking for help being subjected to scrutiny. Also please remember we do not offer therapy or answers, just a place for us to go and socialize and unburden ourselves BUT this does not mean that you have to engage in posts or threads that upset you, it literally is up to you to follow the golden rule as stated above.

I'm here quite a long time and that's just my two cents, be empathic, humble and treat each other with respect and most importantly, do your own self care.

Again I wish I had used a different word. Maybe discuss? Or Engage? I think what I try to do is manage my expectations. Some people here ask for advice or opinions. Some people ask for suggestions. Some people ask questions like..." Do I have xyz?" (which I try to remember to say that none of us are professionals) or "is this abuse?" in which case if I believe what the person is going through is abuse and they are asking if it is, I will say my opinion about it. If someone is venting or ranting it is helpful for them to say that but not everyone needs to say that either. Some people are obviously unloading serious pain and I think learning the nuances of how people express themselves is a good thing. I am trying really hard to balance all of that. The most important thing for me personally is to admit when I am wrong and apologize if I hurt AND not be offended when someone either: does not accept my apology, puts me on ignore, or attacks me for my apology. I am constantly learning how to manage my expectations and as a rule, we really cant have expectations about what other people should say do or feel. I guess I am just trying to remember to be kind and I hope that no one here thinks I am unkind or mean and that I am not trying to be supportive to the best of my abilities. I hope I haven't offended anyone on this thread.

[here today]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

. . .
We can all exist together, even with mean, obnoxious people being however they are. Yes, even though that’s triggering to the sensitive people.

For me, trying to learn how to exist with those who seem mean and obnoxious, or just lost in their own world, has been one of the things I have come to PC for, and have found helpful here.

I understand how the triggering can be very unhelpful to some people, though. And trying to push back, through the triggered emotions, can be overwhelming, especially if people didn't develop the skills and ability to do that growing up. Which is a good reason to come here for support! So, I think it's a kind of catch-22.

Hence, there are the moderators. They can point things out to members, with the voice, or keyboard, of "authority". And although I didn't like the idea of reporting things when I first came here, there is a place for that sometimes.

In the long run, for me, it has been more helpful to learn how to try to tolerate and exist with, and sometimes respond personally to, those I disagree with than it would have been if everybody was always nice.

[tecomsin]

I think some people are very confrontational or are hugely invested in showing they are 'right' on certain topics that have emotional weight for them. Sometimes I find there are certain comments that I quite like from a member but at the same time there are other comments that I want to confront in an unproductive way or I spend too much time thinking about them. I have . blocked people like this only to find out later they had gotten themselves suspended and i was just glad that I wasn't aware of the situations that led to that anymore...

I appreciate PC for many reasons but it is also a way for people to play out their worst impulses at times, just like any human interaction can be.

I find that some people passive aggressively play out their gripes with other members on the forum, rather than just PMing the individual to talk it out. All that accomplishes is antagonism and bad feelings.

I agree with the OP. It is very sad to me as well, that there seems to be a lot of aggression on here as opposed to getting along with one another in respectful and appreciative, compassionate ways. I had brought up a similar issue. There are so many people on here who are here for support and help. Why can't people just get along.

[Velvet Lounger]

Hello Cala Lily

I don't think you 'killed your own thread' as unaluna said, but sometimes people simply don't know what to say. Like, for example, I posted a compilation of classical and contemporary music in the forum, but it received no replies. It doesn't matter because at some time, someone might get to listen to my list. That the high number of views pleased me; at least many took interest in my new topic! That was mightily encouraging to me.

On debate topics though, some people can he highly opinionated and confrontational when they disagree, say, about a former Prime Minister who they hated, and no amount of reasoning on my point of view would ever channge their opinion. It's not a biggy, but simply that it is forum life, for there will always be someone in an online community who will disagree. A year ago I left a forum when staff moderators didn't stop the nastiness that overflowed on a debate topic, so I resigned and found this wonderful community at PC where there are some very lovely people here. Very supportive and kind.

If you are unsure about anything, or concerned about another member, always feel welcome to ask a community staff member. I am sure they will be only too happy to assist you.

Wishing you all the best
Velvet

[stopdog]

I don't believe it is basic human nature to just get along.Plus, not everyone agrees on what getting along is or looks like.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m sorry. I have been known to get into it with another member on this site. I feel like this thread is directed at me. I am working on my anger though. It has been rough since I have been without a therapist since before Christmas. I know that’s not an excuse to be rude but sometimes I just lose it when I feel like people are being rude to me.

Again, I’m sorry and I’ll try to be nicer.

[Fuzzybear]

Hugs to all

I’ll try to be nicer too.

I sometimes think we often tend to take things personally

Sometimes they are not about us.

I know I wish I’d stepped back and just not engaged in some things

Although I try to be civil.

I appreciate this place and hope it stays the safe and caring place so many of us love.

Respect to all