[connect.the.stars]

I must say that there are many things which I am not proud of sharing and that even my own memory of the event may be falsely warped from being brainwashed by two different sides battling over my heart which I decided to just explode anyway and lock up so that nobody can ever touch it again. I don’t believe I deserve to be forgiven for all these lies I've spoken or spun in my own head to make myself feel better. But someone pointed out to me that by punishing myself I am effectively punishing the people who I feel guilty towards as well. So I should learn to let it go and that way free myself from them, free myself from me, free myself from anything bringing me down.

"You've been too hard on yourself," people say. But I actually don’t believe I’m hard enough on myself. It's one thing to simply wave a wand and pretend it never happened or I never caused it. It's another to actually recognize I’ve been given things I need to be grateful that I am clearly letting go to waste. It makes me feel guilty for existing. But rather than feeling bad that I didn't do it the right way, I just need to correct myself. Move on from it. Own my mistakes. Take responsibility for the hurt and anguish I caused others.

I don’t want people to give me things. I have a problem being appreciative. But rather than not accepting anything for myself, I need to let them give me soothing balm even if I don't feel like I earned it. I feel more comfortable saying derogatory things about myself. But people say I need to be good to myself. Say what I am good at. Maybe one day if I learn to not hate myself, I can truly be appreciative of everything I need to be grateful for and let go of the vicious circle I've been walking in.

I need to start speaking the truth. Not what he thinks I should feel. Not what my parents think I should feel. Not what I think I should feel. I need to learn to unwarp everything I twisted so I can see what was the truth. So that I can untangle my brain from feeling guilty over nothing. So that I can properly pinpoint what I do need to take responsibility for and look for steps to atone with those persons involved. I have to stop wasting my energy making no progress. I can tell as many people as I want. I can ask them anything I fancy. But only I can answer myself with what is the truth.

What is the truth?

I'll save that for another day. I only wrote this so that I don't forget my resolve while I am still able to articulate it. I'll be referring back to this when I can't think straight from being consumed by negativity.

wow, that sounded like it was really from the heart . hugs

[puppylove_me]

I feel like i am going through something very similar and i just want you to know i never could have explained it like that. You made me start to really understand that i have to do something to get to the truth and not what my mind says all the time. Its a constant battle in my head. Thank you for sharing and the best of luck to you.