[FairyLeaf]

I'm not sure what kind of support I need or what I am looking for.

I'm not "sugar coating" what happened but it can be triggering.

I recently got diagnosed PTSD with characteristics of Dissociation and Derealisation, and BPD with Panic Disorder. Then, ADHD. The doctor linked everything to PTSD.

I've been seeing my counselor for a year and half and last week I asked him how long does this take. He told me 2-12 years. I feel I have zero hope. I really connect well with the counselor, he is the only one that I trust the most in my life. It's starting to get easier to open up now but it's still hard. I refuse to talk about what happened, I've mentioned it to him, but I never go in detail. I actually steer clear of going there.

The Psychiatrist referred me to receive treatment at a hospital for EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) which not sure when that will start, there's a wait list of a year and half for the program.

I am just not ready to go through all of this, to actually talk. I feel it's more harm than good. I can't get passed it. The counselor is the only real support I have. I have no family, I just have a few friends that I don't talk to very much. He wants to put me in a group that he runs for Sexual Abuse Survivors, but he knows I am not even close to being ready for that. He takes everything slow and is gentle about everything.

I don't know what I'm suppose to do. I don't know how I'm suppose to allow myself to talk about it more other than talk about details that I am okay with, when I do talk about it, I have no emotion in my voice, my voice is dead. I don't talk about it, usually we talk about how my past is affecting my current life and he is very gentle and he always wants to know where I stand, like emotions.

I just don't feel there is any hope in getting better. I have to live with it. Live with things that I haven't told anyone, not even him. It feels unreal, everything is unreal. I made myself believe everything that happened was a horrible dream and it happened to someone else.

Just don't know.

[Open Eyes]

((FairyLeaf)),

Glad to hear you have a therapist who is being patient with you and slowly gaining your trust to feel safe with. It is very "normal" to be afraid to feel and want to go slowly too.
No one can tell you "how long" your healing will take because each person is different depending on how much they have to "grieve" and finally get to a point where they gain a much needed sense of relief and finally understanding "how" to feel and be ok with it, instead of being ashamed of having challenging "emotions".

When someone experiences something that challenges them profoundly, they don't really know how to process all the emotions that present with this profound experience.
This is why they disassociate and panic when any reminder takes place. The process of talking about something that was traumatic, is not about retraumatizing either, that is often "why" many patients don't want to recall or talk about something traumatic that they experienced. Also, "if" a patient does try to talk about their emotions, they "may" experience a flashback, and the patient is afraid to have that happen. That is because when that happens a patient is stuck and very vulnerable and having experienced that myself in a bad way, I know how hard that can be.

I was in a deposition and I ended up experiencing a flashback and there was no one there to help me and that only retraumatized me. I should not have been alone like that in my condition. It would have made a huge difference had I had someone there to help me out of it and be there to calm me down.

A therapist has to go slowly with a patient and "if" a patient experiences a flashback, know how to "be there" for the patient in a totally understanding way to "witness" with the patient and be "there in a validating and calming way", that helps a patient to put the experience in the past much better which actually weakens the power of a flashback.
That "is" the rescuer that is so desired by those who struggle. A rescuer is one who can sit with a patient and witness "with the patient" as the patient finally "grieves" whatever it was that traumatized them. When a patient can finally have that take place, the patient "finally" gains gradual relief. So, as I mentioned, how long that takes does depend on the patience and skill of the therapist and however long it takes a patient to finally trust to be allowed to finally work through whatever is there that needs to be slowly "grieved" so they can finally process all the emotions that surround that event/trauma.

It is better to not try to think about "how long" and just allow yourself to begin the healing process. I do that myself "One day at a time" and I just allow myself to gradually gain on my own healing. At least you have a diagnosis that can be recognized which make a big difference in the kind of therapy you get so that you don't feel so hopeless. You "can" heal to where you will slowly not feel so hopeless, but instead learn how to finally work through your challenges and gain much needed relief.