I haven't seemed to enjoy the company of others much for a long time now. I find it exhausting to socialize with others and have no confidence either.

Today, I dropped out of physical therapy (required after my heart surgery) after only going once. I just hated being there. I hated having devices hooked up to my hairy body that were painful to remove. With my bad feet and injured left knee, exercise of any kind is painful. Then there was the emotional pain of just going there. I hate my body so much, both the inside and the outside. I'm ashamed of who I am and don't want to be around anyone anymore. This problem is getting worse and worse.

My new T likes me because I am a good talker. I can talk to a T but I cannot do it socially. I struggle for things to say. Often, if I cannot think of anything to say, I will simply say what's in my head even though I sense it would not be the best thing to say. I'm in a constant state of social panic. I find it hard to smile. I am not glad to meet people; all I get is nervous and self-conscious. I then don't want to be there and long to be somewhere else, and end up leaving.

I am so full of anger at myself for being me, at the world, at the train wreck god who created me. Deep down, I don't like anything anymore. I just want to be alone. My T does not see it. We chat pleasantly. Lately, though, I've started telling her that her advice is useless. She thinks that I'm normal and that the gay community (I'm gay.) is just average people. But, my older generation is different. They continue to sleep around and/or to use drugs. It's what people of my era did socially and they haven't changed. I never fit in with them. (Epileptic me should not drink or do drugs.) She refuses to believe me and says that everyone can't be like that. From my experience, they are. Some people have been too aggressive trying to court me, even when I show no interest, to the point that they are a complete turn off. People who I just want as friends come on to me sexually and I can't deal with it. It's just a disaster.

Lately, I never leave my apartment. I dread being alive. I know that my childhood and adolescence were not the best. Likewise, my adult life has not worked out either, having worked for several egomaniacs / sociopaths. I'm a simple guy who just wants to live a clean, simple life. Unfortunately, I live in the big city where life is not so simple and being simple seems to just make me a victim.

Having spent most of my childhood alone, that's how I am most comfortable. But, instead of being happy, I am miserable. Nothing seems to work. I don't seem to fit in anywhere. My social skills are not very good and I don't seem to be able to trust myself. People can tell when you're not having a good time. I don't know what to do. Everything just seems hopeless at this point.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( unguy )))))))))

Hey Unguy. Firstly, love to you, you're gonna be OK. I'm not a doctor obviously but you mentioned your heart surgery and the first thought that jumped into my head was that depression often follows (even for people with no history of depression) major surgery, and maybe more for someone who is prone to depression. So you may be vulnerable that way. But that also means you may have scope to move through that depression and get to the other side. Getting to physical therapy is obviously critical but it's your head that needs to get you there, so your T needs to help.

I really related to what you said about being able to talk to your T, but not others. I have Bipolar II and CPTSD with Psychotic Features. I am naturally a very outgoing person but my illnesses have me profoundly isolated. But when I see my psychiatrist or therapist I am always ready to go with all my issues listed in my diary, ready to talk and often up-beat. But I can be very sick overall and it gives them the wrong impression of how well/sick I am. It's simply that I get excited with having someone to talk to! (seriously)

Please keep posting and keep the dialogue going.

discover

Originally Posted by discover

I really related to what you said about being able to talk to your T, but not others. I have Bipolar II and CPTSD with Psychotic Features. I am naturally a very outgoing person but my illnesses have me profoundly isolated. But when I see my psychiatrist or therapist I am always ready to go with all my issues listed in my diary, ready to talk and often up-beat. But I can be very sick overall and it gives them the wrong impression of how well/sick I am. It's simply that I get excited with having someone to talk to! (seriously)

I am glad to hear that you are comfortable talking with your T - that is so important. Keep up the good work!

I have the current dilemma that my T enjoys speaking with me. She does not find me boring or the type of patient who drones on and on, and has said so. My 45 minutes of weekly therapy is a session that flies by for her; it flies by for me too. I should be happy that I make my T happy? But, am I leaving therapy feeling better and making progress? I'm not so sure.

The goal in therapy is to alleviate the issues pressing on our minds and to make progress in dealing with them. It is always a relief to speak what's on our minds and free up the pressure from those thoughts. However, if you have a good T, there should slowly be progress towards understanding your issues and treating them. So many times I've experienced the benefits of talk without the personal progress part. Currently, I am leaning on my T to focus on progress because just talk is insufficient for my current needs.

I find I'm entertaining to mental health professionals too. I often leave them laughing. But in terms of what you said, I think if your T is enjoying speaking to you (only if it's to the detriment of hardcore therapeutic input from them), you have the right to bring it up with them and if it's accurate tell them it's out of balance.