[RavensPOE]

I'm a professor who lost my tenure track position due to the recession in 2012. My son was 14 at the time, and decided he wanted to attend a military-academy type school--which was located in his father's state. Not only do I pay half of his tuition to attend that school, I also pay child support.

I never recovered from the recession. I ended up teaching part-time in the evening, and taking a full-time position as a Designer during the day at a church. Even with both jobs combined--it was only 1/4 of what my salary was as a full professor.

I was molested/ raped as a child from ages 3-10 by a medical doctor.
At age 13, I started having Holocaust nightmares. They have lasted for over 30 years. All of my faculty Art exhibitions are on my nightmares. I ran across an MA Program in Israel about 2 years ago--which is the only grad program in Israel that offers grad degrees in Holocaust Ed. I knew if I got into the program--that I would not be able to pay for all of the entrance fees, plane tickets, luggage, etc, along with my son's child support and tuition at the academy. So, on New Year's Day of 2015, I made the decision to live in my car. It was the only way I would be able to afford everything.

It was a hard, Nebraska winter. Down to -20 degrees below zero. I bought a sleeping bag that keeps people warm down to -40 degrees. It saved my life. Coupled with, whenever it got below 15 degrees, I would sneak into the church that I worked for, and sleep on a very tiny sofa in one of their back classrooms. Summer was worse--because of the bugs and the heat. Up until 5 days before I got on the plane--I lived in my vehicle for 10 months. My acceptance letter into the program arrived in March. And, the program did not start in Israel until October of 2015.

Each day, inbetween jobs I would head across the street to the main cemetery in town and change my clothes in their portable toilet. I was homeless for a period of 9 months in my 20's. I told myself then..that IF I would've had all of my degrees? I would never be homeless...20 years later I ate my words, as I was the homeless professor.

It's been very comforting having my own dorm room on campus in Israel. I don't wake up 10-15 times each night due to being all hunched up in a ball in my car. I had to sell my vehicle to afford this journey. I am hoping that perhaps I will have some more personal healing...since this is the Holy Land.

However, the PTSD anxiety attacks have been with me my entire life.
They picked up full gear about a week and half ago, once again.
I am very used to living in isolation, and not making friends.
I stay away from social events as much as possible--as people innocently trigger me. But...living in my car? I didn't have to observe all of these people on campus hanging out, and going everywhere together.

In certain ways--it has made my PTSD worse.
Also, I don't have a home to return to. IT WAS my car.
I spend a lot of time thinking about this.
WHAT IF I don't get hired, once I finish this program?
I will return to the states. But where to?
I have 2 suitcases that I brought with me.
Would it be better to just throw all of my stuff in the trash,
and fly back? I can't haul around 2 suitcases as a homeless person
back on the streets without a vehicle.

Any words of wisdom?

[Skeezyks]

Hello RavensPOE: I am inspired by your story. The commitment it took to get where you are is truly amazing! I'm not sure if I understand the end of your post correctly. Are you thinking of leaving the program you're in prior to completing it? From my perspective, it seems this would be sad, given what you went through to get there. I hope you can see your way clear to complete your studies. It is probably the case that you will have to be open to going wherever in the U.S. you can find a suitable position, upon your return. However, it seems as though somewhere in this big country there must be opportunities for a person with your background.

I also live pretty-much in isolation. I am married. However, otherwise, I just keep to myself. From my perspective, no good has ever ensued from me having anything to do with other people. I don't blame anyone for this. It is just the way my life has gone. At this point, I'm an older adult & I just prefer my solitude. Fortunately, because I am an older person, I no longer have to maintain employment. My needs are small & I have what few things I do need.

I don't know anything about how this works, but I sometimes hear about this "go fund me" website. I wonder if you might be able to set up a sight on this & generate enough funds to get you back to the U.S. & into suitable employment & living situations... just a thought... You have come so far... it would be truly unfortunate to not see this through.

Anyway, for what it's worth, I celebrate what you have accomplished & wish you all the best...

[RavensPOE]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello RavensPOE: I am inspired by your story. The commitment it took to get where you are is truly amazing! I'm not sure if I understand the end of your post correctly. Are you thinking of leaving the program you're in prior to completing it? From my perspective, it seems this would be sad, given what you went through to get there. I hope you can see your way clear to complete your studies. It is probably the case that you will have to be open to going wherever in the U.S. you can find a suitable position, upon your return. However, it seems as though somewhere in this big country there must be opportunities for a person with your background.

I also live pretty-much in isolation. I am married. However, otherwise, I just keep to myself. From my perspective, no good has ever ensued from me having anything to do with other people. I don't blame anyone for this. It is just the way my life has gone. At this point, I'm an older adult & I just prefer my solitude. Fortunately, because I am an older person, I no longer have to maintain employment. My needs are small & I have what few things I do need.

I don't know anything about how this works, but I sometimes hear about this "go fund me" website. I wonder if you might be able to set up a sight on this & generate enough funds to get you back to the U.S. & into suitable employment & living situations... just a thought... You have come so far... it would be truly unfortunate to not see this through.

Anyway, for what it's worth, I celebrate what you have accomplished & wish you all the best...

Thank-you so much for your kind words. I have no intention of leaving the program. I took out $30,000 in financial aid to pay for my studies while I am here. IF I do not find employment directly after I complete the program--I will have to return to the United States--which puts my mind in a blunder as to WHAT I will be doing with my luggage.

There are many Jewish and Holocaust Museums throughout the world which are not located in the United States. And, I will be seeking those jobs first, before looking at employment in the United States. Since I am a designer--my internship is at Yad Vashem in Jerusalem. They are placing me in their design/social media department. I am in this program--with the hopes that THIS is where my career will take me. I have been a professor for 15 years, and absolutely hate it.

[Skeezyks]

I wish you well...

Only one thought and I'm not going to call it words of wisdom. Plan for the future but live in the moment. Someone posted something here the other day along the lines of worry being a down payment on a problem or catastrophe that may never be yours.
I'm awed by your personal strength, sacrifices, and commitment.

[avlady]

i was once in my life in my 20s homeless. i feel for your situation. i do hope you get to do what you want and good luck