[Ameline]

Recently I decided to take a bit of a step with dealing with my issues. I'm used to meditation, but started doing a routine on feeling my body and emotions present in the body. It was unpleasant at times, but manageable and I think it's a way of getting better. I'm really committed to feeling my body in the past few weeks, hunger, pleasure, pain, everything

Yesterday I was visiting a friend. She's an amazing person, even though I don't know her very long. She was friendly and personal very fast while I tend to keep my distance at first. I decided to take a big step out of my comfort zone and open up a lot sooner than I'd normally do because she's just such so sweet and I sort of wanted to match her level of familiarity. She's studying to be a special education teacher and I ended up talking about my experience growing up with ADHD and a bunch of learning disabilities before the teachers took it seriously. They didn't put me in a special class only because my intelligence was apparently "well above average". I also talked about the stories I wrote when I was young. I was shaking a bit, but I just thought it's a momentary thing. I was feeling otherwise OK and really enjoyed it, we talked about lots of different stuff as well.

Then I left. I was fairly nervous, because I was about to pick up my first ever sex toy from the store (see first paragraph about learning to feel my body). All I was talking about was circling my head. I realized how symbolic all my stories were to what was happening at home and how the problems translated to the hell that were my school years. I remembered the state I was when I was writing them. They were pretty scary even if you didn't know what they were really about. And suddenly it all seemed all too present. I felt panicked, there was nowhere to hide from what I was feeling and it was a lot. I was terrified of going home, of facing the demands of the people there. I was walking around town for about three hours, praising my ability to act normal and the darkness that hid my tears. It was pretty cold, rainy, I was exhausted and didn't know what to do, I was really in a state of panic when I texted my ex if he had a moment on the phone, that I'm not feeling well and that I don't want to go home. He just happened to be driving through here, he took me for some tea. Talking with him always helps. But after I felt better, we started talking about the relationship. It was respectful in tone, but sad. We made a real mess out of it when we were together. He said he loves me and I do love him, but we just don't work together at this moment in time.

Today I woke up tired, sad and feeling empty. I feel like crying, I'm just so exhausted and don't know what to do with myself.

[CANDC]

Hi Ameline. Sorry you are feeling so emotionally drained. It is not easy confronting our past when triggers bring it to the fore.

At least you can talk to your ex and he is caring enough to take you for tea. Have you considered talking to a therapist about your relationship or about your ADHD?

Many people here at PC find they can share these feelings and what they are going through with the confidence that people go through similar things and can empathize. So many forums are offered as well as Chatrooms (after you have 5 posts or comments on others posts). Depression chat meets on Thursday night at 9pm EST and Anxiety Friday at 8PM.

You can also be an active member in other ways like supporting others in their questions, reading articles and posts http://forums.psychcentral.com that are applicable to your area of concern.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[Open Eyes]

Hi Ameline, I think it was good that you talked with that nice person who is planning on becoming a special ed teacher.

I have experienced very similar to what you have discribed where suddenly I get a rush of memories and things connect together and it gets me all worked up and even overwhelmed emotionally. Please know that when that happens that while it is a challenge, you will get to a point where you will calm down. These episodes are like waves, that come in, crest, and always receed. Know that you are not alone with not getting the right help for your challenges when you were in school, that has been something many others have experienced and sadly it just was not "fair" to them.

My husband struggles with both Dyslexia and ADHD, he is far from stupid, however, he does learn differently and spelling and words and reading were always a challenge for him. He did not get the help he needed either.

My daughter struggles with Dyslexia, and thankfully I got her tested by Yale and while she did/does have a high IQ, she did struggle to figure words out and I helped her and made sure she got help for that in school too. I met with her teachers right up through sophomore year at college and then she made sure to talk to them after that.

Remember, you are not "stupid", you just happen to learn differently that's all.

(((Supportive Hugs)))
OE