[isntlifewonderful]

My mom who's a psychologist says I have C-PTSD, after growing up with a father who'd threaten to kill me, suffocate me by putting his hand over my nose and mouth, throw me into things, tell me I'm worthless etc... I've spent all my life trying to make him like me, and the last few years - sleeping with and dating guys who remind me of him personalitywise trying to fill this hole inside of me (even though I'm not even attracted to men...).
When I was 10 I tried to kill myself. After that he changed. I guess he realized what he was doing to me.
Yet, 9 years later I'm still here. Repeating the same old patterns.
I see myself in my father. I'm just as insecure, angry, ashamed and full of hatred.
I was diagnosed with PTSD 3 years ago.
I have something called Other Specified Dissociative Disorder type 1 and dissociation has always been a huge problem for me.
I'm also diagnosed with BPD which is basically a personality disorder that resembles C-PTSD a lot with it's dissociation, lack of healthy relationships, hopelessness, shame and self-hatred etc that almost always comes from childhood traumas.
Idk. Maybe I don't have C-PTSD. But I feel like I DO have the symptoms... I don't even know where I'm going with this, I guess I just needed to rant

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[marmaduke]

I'm puzzled.
Your mother is a psychologist. Where was she when you were a child?

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[Open Eyes]

((isntlifewonderful)),

I am not so sure it matters if you have a diagnoses of BPD or Complex PTSD. Both of these challenges are a result of abuse and trauma and some kind of neglect. What is more important in your post above is that you are recognizing things in your past that hurt you and that you have been trying to overcome it in unhealthy patterns that instead of healing you end up reinforcing the hurt.

What you have been doing is like expecting someone to teach you how to play the guitar, but, the people you keep asking to teach you or help you learn don't know how to play the guitar and these people don't have any desire to know anything about the guitar and yet you keep picking these same kind of people to teach you hoping that you will find someone to "finally" teach you. Your father hated being asked so much that he put his hand over your nose and mouth.

A child really depends on a parent for a lot of things, a child begins life with very little knowledge other than crying out to get their basic needs met and for the parent to provide safety while that child figures out how to survive more and more. Keep in mind that human beings are animals, while human beings are the most intelligent, human beings basically follow along with how animals in nature learn to survive and thrive.

If you observe animals in the wild, all the offspring depend on the parents, all ofspring are born "looking for" and slowly imprint what the parent shows them for a pattern of survival. Human beings are no different, but with human beings the child is dependent for a lot longer then any other animal. Yet, human beings like other animals imprint patterns, even if those patterns are not very healthy. It's not that human being's fault either, anymore then it would be for any other animal who's parent showed them a pattern that is not a very good way to survive and thrive.

What you have just identified in your post is the unhealthy pattern your father taught you. However, another thing human beings are designed to do, as well as other animals, is take in what is a learned pattern of survival and try to improve it. So, part of your seeking out other men that are like your father and trying to find a way to improve on it, is tied into that basic instinct to take a learned pattern and improve it, do it better.
We are designed this way as a part of "evolution" along with all other living things. That is also why every generation is a little "different".

Just because you were asking your father to teach you to play the guitar and he did not know "how" and treated you badly and you only learned to continue to ask other men who also did not know how either and treated you badly, doesn't mean you have to keep on following that pattern. Your post is an important step to slowly getting on a life path that improves your ability, but does so in really recognizing how you need to change the path that was shown to you that was wrong, and more importantly "not your fault, or anything you did wrong".

Are there going to be men out there in society like your father? Yes, because unfortunately, what can happen in a generation is there will always be groups of people that simply grew up with parents that did not "know" how to play the guitar and their children did not know to recognize this and kept asking anyway and were taught the wrong things. This forum alone is full of others like yourself that are struggling with this challenge.

What you need help with is recognizing the unhealthy pattern you were taught, what you did to try to improve it that is actually part of how human beings are designed "normally", and then slowly learn to work with someone who finally knows how to play the guitar to a certain degree that can HELP YOU slowly get on a path where your effort to improve is something you can proceed with in a much healthier way.

You are not "alone" with this challenge and looking to find how to "improve" in spite of whatever you did not get and needed. I am working on a challenge myself, so I know it's a challenge and I know how difficult it can be to try to be "patient" while sorting through whatever kind of hurt is inside, sometimes ones we don't even know until it surfaces in us to where we can talk about it, have whatever it is validated and slowly learn how to finally process whatever it is and slowly learn how to move forward in a healthier way in spite of that "personal hurt". And your mother? Who has become a psychologist? She is learning too, she learned enough to recognize some symptoms in you and hand you a possible label. But you know what? For her to learn that, it means that enough human beings struggle with it that there is now a label for it. But, consider this too, your mother married your father, in that alone she was drawn to an individual that was toxic towards her too. So, even though your mother is a psychologist, she too is on a learning path where she is slowly learning how to correct whatever she struggled with that was imprinted on her in an unhealthy way too.