[FairyLeaf]

I am unsure how to cope or process things, I tend to disappear from things 'cause I have sever dissociation. I make myself forget the trauma, I don't talk about it because I don't want to allow myself to accept certain things that happened, happened to me.

I keep waking up from night terrors when I was a child, him over me, the weight, I see it. It takes me 30 minutes to know that no one is in my room or apartment. I wake up terrified reliving it all.

I have a counselor I see but I can't talk about it in detail. I trust my counselor, I just don't trust myself talking about it. I want to but I can't or have a hard time doing so. I dissociate during the session which is hard for me, my counselor knows which he checks in with me every so often on where I am and how I feel.

Sometimes, I want to sit there and laugh. I mean hysterically laugh because that's all I can express. None of it is funny. I am scared if I start to laugh that I will cry and hyperventilate and wouldn't be able to stop. I've only cried soft tears and I've been going for 2 and half years, I just let silent tears slide off my face, I make no noise. I am not sure why. I just feel like laughing when I talk about the trauma cause what else response or reaction should I give? Thinking about it is one thing, moment you say it out loud it sounds so messed up.

I am not sure how to get past it, being able to explain things or allow myself to just react however my body reacts. I'm not sure if that is normal, it's doesn't feel normal.

[WhatDayIsItAgain]

http://forums.psychcentral.com/compl...cises-tre.html

This is an interesting link for trauma release exercises. The body memories you are experiencing happen to alot of us. The idea is that the body remembers trauma because at the exact time of injury the brain cannot process the overload of incoming senses. I found this helpful for me. I think you described it so well. About how the laughter is so strange but it comes out anyway (I use scarcasim to hide the hurt also).

If you would like (((safe hug))) or not (((no hug))) whichever is best for you.

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry you are going through this, I can relate to some of your challenges, even the laugh part. I don't think it's bad to laugh because at least that helps "some" in getting the words out that go with the emotional challenge that trauma presents. I went through a period of about two years myself where I would wake up from a night terror, which is basically having flashbacks while sleep, and being disoriented, yes, probably for the amount of time you describe, or at least it felt like it.

What you are having such a hard time with is another invading and totally disrespecting your boundaries and that took something significant from you. That is very hard to put into words. The brain/mind is worried about having too much emotion present, so that is why you disassociate. I think that is incredibly hard to tell another individual too, because there is a fear that other individual will make judgements or not respond well, which would only add to the injury.

The average person has no idea how much work it can be to find ones way to healing and making gains on this challenge.

I take it one day at a time, some days are hard and I work on being patient and caring with self.