C-ptsd from 20 yrs of abuse

My husband is bipolar. I'm still with him he was very physically and emotionally abusive. I guess about 4 yrs ago I found out he cheated but over the next few yrs I found out he had cheated our whole relationship. The physical abuse became very very violent after I found out about his cheating and he had to move out and do a year long batterers program. He doesn't seem to understand that as much as I love him he is my trigger. I have been with him since I was 17. I don't know who I am as an adult because my actions have always been controlled. We have 4 kids 18,16,14 & 3. I can't make it on my own. I have ms and make little income on disability. I have no close family that's alive. I'm stuck and everyday my mind and body is stressed. He says he has changed and is now medicated and in therapy but the damage to me is sever. I have to be strong because of my kids but really honestly I'm crazy on the inside now. I needed to vent and get this off my mind. I hate him and I hate myself for not leaving the first time he hit me or the 50th time he choked me out. I'm tired.

My mother was in much the same position. I hope your husband has actually got control of himself though. Therapy would be good for you, but if you so not have the money please start with a local free support group. You can find them local to you on the NAMI site.

Hugs

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I'm sorry you are going through this. I have dealt with many women going through the same thing. Is there any chance you could go to counseling? Even online counseling. With having kids at those ages it may be hard to get away for that. The hate is going to eat away at you and you need to find a way to let that go. Not saying just forget it happened but get the skills to deal with the anger so it will not be such danger to your emotional state. This is a very hard situation and I wish the best for you. You can always come here and vent. You are not alone in your journey.