Triggered hard ~ In need of support

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** Trigger Warning **
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Maybe my post doesn't require such a dramatic warning, but, better safe than sorry. Right?

My new bf, Bill, and I got into a conversation last night about my childhood. See: I have this major resentment towards my mom and dad for their HUGE mistakes starting from my early childhood until I was in my 30's. It wasn't just me. My parents' mistakes also affected my brother and sister. Just... in different ways.

Anyway, Bill wanted to get a list of people of whom we're planning on sending Christmas cards to. I had to push myself to plan on sending a card to any of my family members. I finally put my parents and one of my uncle's on the list, despite of how I feel inside. However, I did share that I was extremely hesitant to even send a card. I went on to explain that I have a VERY hard time accepting my parents (particularly my mom) because of the things that they did/didn't do. I was not descriptive of the abuse that came in my childhood, really. I just kind of kept it at that, hoping that it would be enough to make Bill "back down" on pushing me to get to know my family.

Maybe an hour later, we went to bed, and I spent the night fighting horrible nightmares. Absolutely horrible ~ and I woke a few times. The last time was the longest and worst, of course!! I just could NOT shake that horror. The intense fear and self-hate that comes along with it for me were so intense... I just thank my lucky stars that I had a therapy appointment set up to go to this morning!!! I was shaking and pushing myself hard to come up with the right words to suffice my memories of this morning as well as back to him. It was very hard. I am too old for this....why in the world am I still SO shaken 40 years later?? My God, can't I please have a break??

I feel so a-l-o-n-e.

The trouble with getting better is that it gets worse, before it gets better, Shezbut. I haven't even gotten to the part of therapy where we process the traumas I've experienced.

It is important to not do anything that you are not comfortable with. I know that is simple, but I have to still have to remind myself why I can't have a relationship with my family sometimes. If your gut tells you to not send the Christmas card, maybe that is the best way to go. If you have nightmares just thinking about them, what if they try to establish communication once they receive the card?!

^I agree with PumkinPieHead.

"I am too old for this....why in the world am I still SO shaken 40 years later??" Unfortunately, trauma doesn't have a time stamp from when it will effect you to when it will be over. There's no shame it in that you should carry. Those who imposed this trauma onto you are the ones who should feel shame. PTSD is like an injury, except in your brain. Every injury heals at a different pace, your pace, and you can't rush it. You didn't create this injury and therefore, you're not at fault for the pain that came from the salt those cards poured in.

Hi Shezbut,

I relate a lot I guess to what you experiencing, I've never come to a closure with my relationship with my parents. It's very painful and confusing, especially this tension of us wanting to do a gesture of forgiveness and peace with our parents, and our deep resentment and hatred to what they have done to us in the past.

Forgiveness according to Pete Walker is not a cognitive decision or a mental exercise forced on ourselves (by ourselves or by others) to behave according in a certain way. If we truly feel forgiving towards our parents ( a very long process of vacillating between loving and hating them, grieving our past, understanding our parent's extenuating circumstances), then this can materialize into affection and love towards them. I remember when I was a kid, and I never touched or cried in the presence of my mother, I was very anxious when I see kids cuddle their mothers and they get the milk of human kindness in return. Of course I internalized this over the years into a defect I genuinely have. We can't feel relaxed and peaceful around our parents, neither we can't simply forgive them, because according again to Pete Walker, there are at least 3 conditions that cause this.

* our parents continue to treat us with a lack of respect, and this makes trust and openness impossible in their presence.
* our parents are no longer abusive but we still feel deep trepidation around them because they have expressed no remorse about their past hurtfulness. This often leaves us unconsciously contracted in fear that their rage will suddenly reawaken and scourge us.
* our parents are no longer actively abusive, but their self-centered-ness and lack of genuine interest in us makes us feel as hurt and alienated as we did in childhood.

Forgiving feelings cannot arise in the face of abuse because fear automatically drives us out of heart-ceneterdness into hypervigilance or dissociation.

Hope this sheds some light into why we still experience fear and anxiety around our parents. No one can force you to betray yourself and forcibly forgive your parents.

shezbut,

Nightmares and flashbacks have a way of striking at the worse times. Trauma doesn't have an expiration date. It's unfair and a deep injustice, but the fact that you are in counseling and working through the trauma means you have a very resilient spirit I know there are rough days and rough ones to come, but just remember that you have survived a lot. You have no obligation to send any of your abusers anything let alone a Christmas card. Reserve your time, love, and effort for people who love you, nurture you, and support you. <3

Well, it's not that you are still suffering after 40 years even though it feels like it. It's more that as we get older we can realize more that how we were treated or felt growing up was stressful and we deserved better. However, the other thing one has to consider is that a lot more is known "now" then years ago and often parents did not realize how wrong they were in how they raised their children and that whatever they lacked in their knowledge could end up challenging that child for the rest of that child's life.

I think the hard part that triggered you is that you don't want to have to explain to your bf why you don't want to include your family in your life, and that means even sending them a card.

Holidays are the busiest time of year for therapists because of the reminders and challenges that can bring back emotional challenges.