[quotemeonthat]

Hello,

I suppose diagnoses should be ticked off first, I'm not sure they're of any help, and having seen that they've societally become known to be more 'essential' and identitarian than as a shortcut reference to a common set of symptoms, but just in case, it's PTSD (although considering my past and the symptoms, I suppose C-PTSD is more appropriate, but I don't have any diagnosis particularly for C-PTSD) and dissociative disorder.
I have bouts of paranoia and severe dissociation related to 'triggers' that are sometimes quite minor.
First off - being in central France, and being still a French learner, I am currently unable to get therapy and rely on medication which has not helped me very much yet.
I've been with my wife for over 10 months, and while at the start she was understanding of my psychological problems (in fact, she was the one who encouraged me to see a psychiatrist other than the dodgy one who diagnosed me with schizophrenia and drugged me up for years because she suspected PTSD), she has become increasingly frustrated. She is stressed about finances and studies, and due to somatisation, I'm currently quite disabled. Just a bit of stress is enough to make me cramped and immobile.
Having understood the difficulty of being with someone like me, it's still extremely difficult for me as well to be triggered by even mild signs of frustration or tension. Any sign of tension and I go into a bout of asking what I've done wrong and apologising. She has grown frustrated with this behaviour especially since it's coupled with her having to look for a job that earns enough for the both of us while giving evening lessons at the same time.
I became extremely attached to her and her moods affect me very strongly. Frustration, agitation, dismay, especially that which is unexpressed affects me strongly, often causing panics attacks and often seizures. I understand the difficulty of being with someone like me, however it doesn't change my pain.
I have also developed a problem - she wishes to study medicine, and considering how busy she will be and how I'm very asocial and quite emotionally reliant and connected to her, I feel extremely depressed because of how occupying and intensive her choice of studies are. It is, for me, being too distant. Before we planned on working together, on having an organisation, a centre for our ideas, but it is realistically not very compatible with something like medicine.
This has caused me tremendous heartbreak and caused a strong rift, and I cannot help but feel abandoned and hurt. I can understand people wanting what they want, and even if it's because I'm mentally ill, I find it emotionally too difficult to bear.
I was about to commit suicide (and incidentally, so was she) when we came across each other, and I sense myself falling back into the same mindset; dissociating further and further, being less and less present, panicking more and more.
The problems of being so incredibly incompatible with other peoples' negative emotions and feeling left behind and betrayed (possibly unfairly) has been too much for me.
Any advice on this would be appreciated.

[quotemeonthat]

As for details about trauma, the basic gist is that I was kept shut in by my parents until the age of 22, I experienced sexual abuse, severe bullying, psychiatric hospitalisation for a misdiagnosis of schizophrenia, forced surveillance and captivity under my parents, repeated coercion and incredulity to everything I reported negatively, and was gaslighted by my parents into believing that anything that I felt bad (even physical pain) was simply pretense on my part for seeking attention.

I find it awkard to list things in too much detail, but I hope this helps in any way.

[quotemeonthat]

I feel odd to list my traumatic experiences in detail, but in short, it's primarily sexual abuse, incredulity, forced captivity (lasting into adulthood), psychiatric misdiagnosis and hospitalisation, hostility, gaslighting (in particular leading me to have a pattern of believing that anything negative I experience I only pretend to feel bad about to get attention), severe bullying and corporal punishment as a child.

[Open Eyes]

I understand how hard it can be when she is busy and how that can trigger you to feel abandoned, but you need to give her space and learn how to gradually accept her needing her space and not just give in to being triggered to feel you are being abandoned.

The problems of being so incredibly incompatible with other peoples' negative emotions and feeling left behind and betrayed (possibly unfairly) has been too much for me.

If you were to see a therapist, the therapist would work with you to see where these challenges started. That fact that you wrote this down is a "positive", that is because the first step is being able to articulate what one is feeling when they get triggered.

What trauma creates in an individual is it disrupts whatever that individual had in their mind that they organized into finding ways to move forward in their lives. By taking the time to trace the things that disrupted your development in some way, you can identify your own areas that have lacks, areas in "you" where you did not have the knowledge or life experience to bring yourself forward and increase your maturity as well as build up your own self esteem.

I feel extremely depressed because of how occupying and intensive her choice of studies are. It is, for me, being too distant.

Where in your past did this happen before? Usually this comes from CEN, (childhood emotional neglect). A therapist would work with you towards helping you recognize where this comes from and how you developed some negative self talk and emotional challenges that stem from some kind of abandonment that you never got a chance to heal from.

It sounds like your wife has similar challenges which is why when you both met you were both really challenged. It sounds like you are triggering each other and you are clinging while she is trying to find her way forward. If someone is drowning and desperate it's important that when someone is trying to swim and save, not to drag that person down, but let them swim and understand it's the only way towards some safety. What you have to do is learn how to tread water on your own so your wife can swim and do what she can for "both" of you.

[Skeezyks]

Hello quotemeonthat: I'm sorry I don't have any particular advice to offer. However since this is your first post here on PC... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!