T coming back Wed.

Well my vacation from the T is coming to the end, we have a session on Wednesday and again I haven't done most of the homework. Got to get busy and at least get some done. That meeting Wednesday had me so stressed out and then the sickness and death of my friends family. It was a lot going on. I wish I could substitute things I do for what she wants me to do. Like speaking at that meeting was a biggie for me, but that's not what she assigned. I'm suppose to go to Walmart at 1 a.m. and stay in there 40 minutes without really shopping. Probably get arrested them thinking I'm a shoplifter lol. Then she wants me to sit on my deck, doing nothing for 40 minutes. She's wanted this for weeks and I just can't get it done. I think I've made 10-15 minutes. She wants me to face the house , to get over my fear that someone might walk up on me. Not sure that one will ever get done. Sometimes I put off taking a shower because I feel like someone will attack me in the shower.
Oh well, time to get back to it.

I have kind of a funny story about Walmart. Back during the historic floods of 2011 here in Central New York, I got stranded and couldn't get home because every road was either completely washed out, or covered in water, or had already been closed. After trying several different ways, I gave up and decided to head back to the city I work in and stop at the Walmart to get a car charger for my cell phone. Once I got there I figured that I would just stay for awhile, give it some time and the water would go down and I would be able to get home. It continued to rain non-stop over night and I ended up spending the night in the Walmart parking lot in my car. Made three trips in, chatted with the cashiers, bought food, a book, a blanket. I dozed some, still haven't finished the book I bought and started reading that night. Ended up going in the store again in the morning and buying change of clothes and then found a different way back to work since the road was closed where a creek had went over it's bank and had flooded the south side of the city. Made it back to work, worked till mid afternoon then had to take the long way home, 1 1/2 hours to get there with this route, because many of the roads that I normally drove on were still closed. I was so glad to get home.

Anyway - I'm sorry to hear of your struggles with your homework. Maybe try for 20 minutes on the deck? Baby steps.

But why? I spoke at the meeting. That should count, I washed my car, she asked me to do that weeks ago and I didn't get it done. There's a reason she asking these specific places and things to do, right? But can't they substituted for something else sometimes?
That is a funny story at Walmart but if you had to get stranded somewhere that was an excellent choice Should have bought a boat and motored home LOL

Very good point! That meeting is a big thing and an accomplishment. Make sure you bring it up. Doing these other things may make it easier for you to do your homework down the road.

You didn't really answer my question but that will do I know she wants me to get out of the house more but it is hard. Since the weather is getting nicer it may be easier to sit in the sun on the deck but when it was 40 degrees with the wind blowing there was no way I was going out there I know she asked me to do more than that I've got to find it. I was in a fog that last session because I hadn't done the homework and wasn't up to dealing with disappointing her and being mad with myself for not being able to do such simple tasks.
If there are more errors than usual I'm typing with my eyes closed. I am so tired but can't get to sleep.

Your fine. I wouldn't be afraid of disappointing your therapist and you certainly shouldn't be mad at yourself. Just tell her, "I wasn't able to do this, but I did do this and it came out OK." or something like that. Approach it from the positive.

I really should listen to my own advice.....

For some reason it's always easier to give others advice than yourself. Why do you think it's that way? Maybe because we are listening to the other people and not ourselves? Maybe because listening to others it's easier to pick up on the core issues? And we haven't completely identified our own issues? For me being so independent at an early age I've had to solve my own issues and it's very frustrating that I have to ask for help to do this.
I don't know where my T was for a week and I really don't care. But it certainly wasn't a good time to leave me floundering in questions about this being the therapy I need to do. Looks like there would be someone else that fill in for her, since this therapy is 12 weeks usually meeting once a week(90 minutes) , and bringing up a lot of very hard memories.

I think it's because recovery is hard. It's easy to theorize about what techniques are available, what the steps to recovery are, come up with ideas. But putting them into action for yourself is very challenging. I constantly am working on convincing myself that I'm ok, even though I know I'm not, and when I have a good day I am further convinced that I just need to "get it together". I would never tell another person to do that, why do I do it to myself? It's my mind playing tricks on me I think.

I have often said to myself "pull your big girl panties up and deal with it" It pretty much worked until dad's situation came up. Then all these things I thought I had dealt with came rushing in at one time. I moved out on my own when I was 16, so I had to learn to adult even more after that. I didn't want to fail and end up back at mom's.

Looking at the schedule looks like we will have a session this Wednesday, then not the next week, then pick up again on Fridays. smh

Can you change that schedule if you want to?

No she pretty much sets the schedule. Been doing it on Wednesdays for a while and now she wants to go to Fridays, which is okay. But so much down time makes me lose interest in what we are doing. When the cat's away......

Maybe she's trying to give you a little break because she feels you are overwhelmed? Maybe you can find ways on your own to continue the treatment during that time and maybe that will be beneficial?

I'm seeing my therapist this Thursday for the first time since December (I think, I was in a bad place in December so don't remember for sure). Not sure what to do after that though. I'm not sure she can handle CPTSD. I might be cutting her short though so I really want to ask her the question before I decide to try something else. I started seeing her in "crisis mode" when my daughter was hospitalized the first time and the main thing we worked on was finding a way for me to handle my daughter's MI situation. I did have one session with her where I disclosed some of my background, but then things shifted back to my daughter. After she was released from the hospital in November (2nd hospitalization), I only saw my therapist a couple times. I was struggling to get time in at work and my Husband and I were trying to make sure she wasn't left alone for long, so I just didn't have time for appointments. Then January came and I wanted to make sure that I couple pay all my daughters bills. I'm nervous about this appointment. It's going to be hard to concentrate more on my CPTSD, Anxiety and Depression, than it was to talk through my daughter's MI and things I could do to help her move ahead.

Well you need to know if she can handle CPTSD or not. Sooooo many say they can and move forward with the regular PTSD treatment and you sit there like a deer in the headlights wondering what they are doing. Not all trauma is equal, multiple trauma is complex, I'm sure you have come up with some good questions. Ask her if she knows who Pete Walker is It is harder to focus on yourself than on someone else. Makes is face the cold hard truth about our selves. I'm happy you have the appointment and I hope it goes well.

Thanks! I hope it goes well too.

Looks like we both will have a stressful week coming up.

uggggg tomorrow is Wednesday....

Getting cold feet about tomorrow, but feel justified in asking to cancel. We have been doing weekly sessions, last week we didn't have a session for some reason, so that was two weeks. We are scheduled for a session tomorrow, then it will be a little over two weeks. What's the point of getting back into it just to let it fall off and leave me during this time to deal with the crap we talk about? I feel like the momentum has been lost, this is why I think it would be better to start back we can be in weekly sessions again.

I highly recommend that you keep this appointment. I understand that it is stressing you out to some extent, but maybe that is why you really need to do it?

A couple days after setting up my appointment for tomorrow, I nearly called to cancel. If I has posted that I was considering that, what would you have recommended to me? I highly suspect that you would have told me not to cancel and to go.

Hugs out to you!

But your situation is different, you haven't seen the T for yourself in a long time. You need to work on you for a while, I've been doing work on me. Not saying I'm cancelling T all together just this appointment .

Well I sent an email and cancelled the appointment. This change is just not working for me. I hate to admit it but if I don't have the responsibility to someone else to come through then I let it go. She got the email and hasn't responded back, thank goodness. SO maybe we can get back on track April 14th.

Ok.

Well......she didn't respond back that she got the message and so I turned the tablet on and there she was. So we had the session. She also said that we could meet next week because the other thing she had scheduled feel through. If I had known it wasn't going to be another two weeks I wouldn't have gone through all this and I would have not resisted this appointment, geeshhhhh. The woman is relentless.

It sounds like it went pretty good from your other post. I'm glad it worked out for you!

You are still going today, right? Share if you want to, remember, it's all about you this time.