[UnderGroundK]

(Long Post, and sorry for spelling mistakes, english is my 2nd language)

Hello! I'm new to the site and I just found out about cptsd a few days ago. For a good 3-4 years I thought I have social anxiety because all of the symptoms were leading me there except for the panic attacks. I have a panic response that is similar to a panic attack: heart racing, mind going blank, not being able to speak properly (forgetting what things are called or stuttering), terrible shaking (so bad that people around me would notice and point out), losing control over my muscles (they would start twitching in weird ways), so if I'm walking I will stumble, If I'm trying to do anything with my hands I simply can't (like writing, trying to drink from a cup etc) and the worst would have to be my facial expressions. I just can't keep a straight face. My eyebrows would rise and fall on their own, my lips would tremble if I'm trying to smile and my eyelids will start twitching, it's awful! But there was a big difference between my panic attacks and a normal one, and that was the timing. I've never had a panic attack out of the blue, without a reason, only when something happens to me that triggers it.

After posting about my "social anxiety" on another site, someone pointed out that I may suffer from ptsd. So after that I started reading about ptsd and I've come across a cptsd article which described the reasons behind it and the symptoms. And the things described there were pretty much the things I'm going through for almost 8 years.

A little background story: I grew up in a dysfunctional family (my father was/is an alcoholic) and we were poor, which means that we all lived in the same room and I've never had any privacy. My father was/is a monster, and not only when he's drinking. He is just a bad seed. He made my life and my mother's a living hell. When I was little, he would get drunk almost every day and come home at night and start screaming, breaking things and hit my mother while I was in bed crying and shaking uncontrollably. I was so afraid of my mothers life, I kept thinking that if he would hit her harder she would die. He cheated on her on so many occasions, sometimes he would even bring the other women in our home when my mother was at work and I was at my grandparents. I don't believe that he ever loved me to be honest. When I was born he didn't even come at the hospital, he kept accusing my mother that she cheated on him and that I am not his child. After a few months, one night he tried to suffocate me by putting a pillow over my head because, apparently, I was bugging him with my crying. Growing up, he never showed me any kind affection and wouldn't let my mother do it either (not in his presence). So whenever I wanted to spend time talking to my mother, whenever she wanted to show me how much she loves me, whenever she was buying me toys or sweets was when my father was not home. He hit me just once, but abused me emotionally all my life. He always made me feel like I was worthless, stupid, never listened to what I have to say. If I tried to say something, anything really that was not what he wanted to hear, he would scream and threaten to hit me. He wouldn't let me do anything, I always had a curfew to come home. I am 24 now and I STILL have a curfew! He is obsessed with controlling me. He was always reading my diaries, my phone messages, bring people to brake into my computer (because I would put a password on it), listening to whatever I was talking on the phone and a few times he even followed me when I was out with my friends. He never liked any of my friends or boyfriends and sometimes I had to go out with them behind his back, because he would forbid me to see them. He wouldn't let me go on vacations, sleep at a friend's house or spend the holidays somewhere else. And if he did by some miracle (after asking him a million times), while I was gone he would call me to let me know what waits for me when I get home. He would complain that I was eating his food (food that was bought with his and my mother's money for the entire family) and that I was not paying rent. Therefore, when he got mad, he would forbid me to use electronics because I was wasting power. So I had to sit in bed and watch the ceiling for hours. Whenever I tried to tell him that I was sick, he would tell me that I'm crazy and that it's all in my head. And so many things that made me hate him, so much that I don't think, actually, I am sure that I will never be able to forgive him. I have no other feelings for him beside hate. If he would die or leave tomorrow, I swear I would be happy.

And because of all this, I grew up to be very shy (was very hard for me to make friends and open up to someone), so I always had only one or two friends at a time. For some years I was afraid of leaving the house without my mother because I thought that other kids/people would hurt me. I was very ashamed of my family and the place we called "home". In kindergarten, elementary and middle school I was bullied because I was shy and poor. And between the bulling at school and the abuse at home, after a while, I guess I couldn't take it anymore and I had some sort of a breakdown. I completely shut myself in, I was angry and crying all the time, I hated everything and everyone, I screamed at everyone (even if they talked to me nicely) and all I wanted was to die. Fortunately, middle school was over and in high school I came across some nice and friendly people and for a good 2 years I was in a much better place. I would go out more, meet new people, make new friends and I felt better in general. Until one day, when I had to give a presentation in front of the class. That was the first time that I had a "panic attack" and since then my whole life went to hell. I was afraid of having another episode like that so I avoided being in front of an audience at all costs. And that was only the beginning, soon after that, I developed a fear of everything new, everything out of my control and of people in general. For example, I would get those symptoms (panic attacks) whenever I am in one of these situations:
-where I have to meet new people (even if it's just one)
-where I have to go out with people that I haven't seen in a while (months, years)
-where I get a phone call from an unknown number (even if it's from the
courier, pizza place or whatever)
-where I have to be in a social situation (like a party, going out with friends of my friends that I don't know, playing games like pool, tennis etc, basically everything that involves new people or people that I'm not comfortable enough with)
-where I have to go to the doctor or police or bank, everywhere that
requires me to interact with people I don't know
-where I have to go shopping (the symptoms aren't that bad, but I still feel uneasy and like I am doing something wrong, like walking funny, moving my limbs weird or something)

And besides the social situations, there are more things that would trigger my symptoms. Some of these are:
-if I am in a fight with someone and I have to speak my mind
-if someone accuses me of something I have no fault in
-if someone is telling me that I am not capable of doing something
-If someone is telling me that I am doing something the wrong way
-if someone gives me the impression that he thinks I'm stupid
-if someone is criticizing me too much
-if someone screams at me
-if someone does not listen to what I have to say or tells me that my opinion is wrong too often

And so many other things that I have lost the count for. It's very hard for me to maintain a relationship with someone because of all of this and because I have a constant fear of being abandoned, unloved and not cared for. Therefore I tend to become very controlling, jealous and dependent. And when the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship is gone, I'm starting to feel like the other person is not loving me anymore or the same way he used to to. I always thought that my partner changed with time, but I realize now that that is a normal thing in a relationship.

So, are these signs of C-PTSD? Or something else?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by UnderGroundK

(Long Post, and sorry for spelling mistakes, english is my 2nd language)

Hello! I'm new to the site and I just found out about cptsd a few days ago. For a good 3-4 years I thought I have social anxiety because all of the symptoms were leading me there except for the panic attacks. I have a panic response that is similar to a panic attack: heart racing, mind going blank, not being able to speak properly (forgetting what things are called or stuttering), terrible shaking (so bad that people around me would notice and point out), losing control over my muscles (they would start twitching in weird ways), so if I'm walking I will stumble, If I'm trying to do anything with my hands I simply can't (like writing, trying to drink from a cup etc) and the worst would have to be my facial expressions. I just can't keep a straight face. My eyebrows would rise and fall on their own, my lips would tremble if I'm trying to smile and my eyelids will start twitching, it's awful! But there was a big difference between my panic attacks and a normal one, and that was the timing. I've never had a panic attack out of the blue, without a reason, only when something happens to me that triggers it.

After posting about my "social anxiety" on another site, someone pointed out that I may suffer from ptsd. So after that I started reading about ptsd and I've come across a cptsd article which described the reasons behind it and the symptoms. And the things described there were pretty much the things I'm going through for almost 8 years.

A little background story: I grew up in a dysfunctional family (my father was/is an alcoholic) and we were poor, which means that we all lived in the same room and I've never had any privacy. My father was/is a monster, and not only when he's drinking. He is just a bad seed. He made my life and my mother's a living hell. When I was little, he would get drunk almost every day and come home at night and start screaming, breaking things and hit my mother while I was in bed crying and shaking uncontrollably. I was so afraid of my mothers life, I kept thinking that if he would hit her harder she would die. He cheated on her on so many occasions, sometimes he would even bring the other women in our home when my mother was at work and I was at my grandparents. I don't believe that he ever loved me to be honest. When I was born he didn't even come at the hospital, he kept accusing my mother that she cheated on him and that I am not his child. After a few months, one night he tried to suffocate me by putting a pillow over my head because, apparently, I was bugging him with my crying. Growing up, he never showed me any kind affection and wouldn't let my mother do it either (not in his presence). So whenever I wanted to spend time talking to my mother, whenever she wanted to show me how much she loves me, whenever she was buying me toys or sweets was when my father was not home. He hit me just once, but abused me emotionally all my life. He always made me feel like I was worthless, stupid, never listened to what I have to say. If I tried to say something, anything really that was not what he wanted to hear, he would scream and threaten to hit me. He wouldn't let me do anything, I always had a curfew to come home. I am 24 now and I STILL have a curfew! He is obsessed with controlling me. He was always reading my diaries, my phone messages, bring people to brake into my computer (because I would put a password on it), listening to whatever I was talking on the phone and a few times he even followed me when I was out with my friends. He never liked any of my friends or boyfriends and sometimes I had to go out with them behind his back, because he would forbid me to see them. He wouldn't let me go on vacations, sleep at a friend's house or spend the holidays somewhere else. And if he did by some miracle (after asking him a million times), while I was gone he would call me to let me know what waits for me when I get home. He would complain that I was eating his food (food that was bought with his and my mother's money for the entire family) and that I was not paying rent. Therefore, when he got mad, he would forbid me to use electronics because I was wasting power. So I had to sit in bed and watch the ceiling for hours. Whenever I tried to tell him that I was sick, he would tell me that I'm crazy and that it's all in my head. And so many things that made me hate him, so much that I don't think, actually, I am sure that I will never be able to forgive him. I have no other feelings for him beside hate. If he would die or leave tomorrow, I swear I would be happy.

And because of all this, I grew up to be very shy (was very hard for me to make friends and open up to someone), so I always had only one or two friends at a time. For some years I was afraid of leaving the house without my mother because I thought that other kids/people would hurt me. I was very ashamed of my family and the place we called "home". In kindergarten, elementary and middle school I was bullied because I was shy and poor. And between the bulling at school and the abuse at home, after a while, I guess I couldn't take it anymore and I had some sort of a breakdown. I completely shut myself in, I was angry and crying all the time, I hated everything and everyone, I screamed at everyone (even if they talked to me nicely) and all I wanted was to die. Fortunately, middle school was over and in high school I came across some nice and friendly people and for a good 2 years I was in a much better place. I would go out more, meet new people, make new friends and I felt better in general. Until one day, when I had to give a presentation in front of the class. That was the first time that I had a "panic attack" and since then my whole life went to hell. I was afraid of having another episode like that so I avoided being in front of an audience at all costs. And that was only the beginning, soon after that, I developed a fear of everything new, everything out of my control and of people in general. For example, I would get those symptoms (panic attacks) whenever I am in one of these situations:
-where I have to meet new people (even if it's just one)
-where I have to go out with people that I haven't seen in a while (months, years)
-where I get a phone call from an unknown number (even if it's from the
courier, pizza place or whatever)
-where I have to be in a social situation (like a party, going out with friends of my friends that I don't know, playing games like pool, tennis etc, basically everything that involves new people or people that I'm not comfortable enough with)
-where I have to go to the doctor or police or bank, everywhere that
requires me to interact with people I don't know
-where I have to go shopping (the symptoms aren't that bad, but I still feel uneasy and like I am doing something wrong, like walking funny, moving my limbs weird or something)

And besides the social situations, there are more things that would trigger my symptoms. Some of these are:
-if I am in a fight with someone and I have to speak my mind
-if someone accuses me of something I have no fault in
-if someone is telling me that I am not capable of doing something
-If someone is telling me that I am doing something the wrong way
-if someone gives me the impression that he thinks I'm stupid
-if someone is criticizing me too much
-if someone screams at me
-if someone does not listen to what I have to say or tells me that my opinion is wrong too often

And so many other things that I have lost the count for. It's very hard for me to maintain a relationship with someone because of all of this and because I have a constant fear of being abandoned, unloved and not cared for. Therefore I tend to become very controlling, jealous and dependent. And when the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship is gone, I'm starting to feel like the other person is not loving me anymore or the same way he used to to. I always thought that my partner changed with time, but I realize now that that is a normal thing in a relationship.

So, are these signs of C-PTSD? Or something else?

in some locations yes and others no (answering your title question)

some locations recognize the disorder label C-ptsd, some do not.some call Cptsd by other names with more or less symptoms,

to find out whether something is a mental disorder in your location and whether your problems add up to a mental disorder you will need to contact a treatment provider in your own location.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by UnderGroundK

(Long Post, and sorry for spelling mistakes, english is my 2nd language)

Hello! I'm new to the site and I just found out about cptsd a few days ago. For a good 3-4 years I thought I have social anxiety because all of the symptoms were leading me there except for the panic attacks. I have a panic response that is similar to a panic attack: heart racing, mind going blank, not being able to speak properly (forgetting what things are called or stuttering), terrible shaking (so bad that people around me would notice and point out), losing control over my muscles (they would start twitching in weird ways), so if I'm walking I will stumble, If I'm trying to do anything with my hands I simply can't (like writing, trying to drink from a cup etc) and the worst would have to be my facial expressions. I just can't keep a straight face. My eyebrows would rise and fall on their own, my lips would tremble if I'm trying to smile and my eyelids will start twitching, it's awful! But there was a big difference between my panic attacks and a normal one, and that was the timing. I've never had a panic attack out of the blue, without a reason, only when something happens to me that triggers it.

After posting about my "social anxiety" on another site, someone pointed out that I may suffer from ptsd. So after that I started reading about ptsd and I've come across a cptsd article which described the reasons behind it and the symptoms. And the things described there were pretty much the things I'm going through for almost 8 years.

A little background story: I grew up in a dysfunctional family (my father was/is an alcoholic) and we were poor, which means that we all lived in the same room and I've never had any privacy. My father was/is a monster, and not only when he's drinking. He is just a bad seed. He made my life and my mother's a living hell. When I was little, he would get drunk almost every day and come home at night and start screaming, breaking things and hit my mother while I was in bed crying and shaking uncontrollably. I was so afraid of my mothers life, I kept thinking that if he would hit her harder she would die. He cheated on her on so many occasions, sometimes he would even bring the other women in our home when my mother was at work and I was at my grandparents. I don't believe that he ever loved me to be honest. When I was born he didn't even come at the hospital, he kept accusing my mother that she cheated on him and that I am not his child. After a few months, one night he tried to suffocate me by putting a pillow over my head because, apparently, I was bugging him with my crying. Growing up, he never showed me any kind affection and wouldn't let my mother do it either (not in his presence). So whenever I wanted to spend time talking to my mother, whenever she wanted to show me how much she loves me, whenever she was buying me toys or sweets was when my father was not home. He hit me just once, but abused me emotionally all my life. He always made me feel like I was worthless, stupid, never listened to what I have to say. If I tried to say something, anything really that was not what he wanted to hear, he would scream and threaten to hit me. He wouldn't let me do anything, I always had a curfew to come home. I am 24 now and I STILL have a curfew! He is obsessed with controlling me. He was always reading my diaries, my phone messages, bring people to brake into my computer (because I would put a password on it), listening to whatever I was talking on the phone and a few times he even followed me when I was out with my friends. He never liked any of my friends or boyfriends and sometimes I had to go out with them behind his back, because he would forbid me to see them. He wouldn't let me go on vacations, sleep at a friend's house or spend the holidays somewhere else. And if he did by some miracle (after asking him a million times), while I was gone he would call me to let me know what waits for me when I get home. He would complain that I was eating his food (food that was bought with his and my mother's money for the entire family) and that I was not paying rent. Therefore, when he got mad, he would forbid me to use electronics because I was wasting power. So I had to sit in bed and watch the ceiling for hours. Whenever I tried to tell him that I was sick, he would tell me that I'm crazy and that it's all in my head. And so many things that made me hate him, so much that I don't think, actually, I am sure that I will never be able to forgive him. I have no other feelings for him beside hate. If he would die or leave tomorrow, I swear I would be happy.

And because of all this, I grew up to be very shy (was very hard for me to make friends and open up to someone), so I always had only one or two friends at a time. For some years I was afraid of leaving the house without my mother because I thought that other kids/people would hurt me. I was very ashamed of my family and the place we called "home". In kindergarten, elementary and middle school I was bullied because I was shy and poor. And between the bulling at school and the abuse at home, after a while, I guess I couldn't take it anymore and I had some sort of a breakdown. I completely shut myself in, I was angry and crying all the time, I hated everything and everyone, I screamed at everyone (even if they talked to me nicely) and all I wanted was to die. Fortunately, middle school was over and in high school I came across some nice and friendly people and for a good 2 years I was in a much better place. I would go out more, meet new people, make new friends and I felt better in general. Until one day, when I had to give a presentation in front of the class. That was the first time that I had a "panic attack" and since then my whole life went to hell. I was afraid of having another episode like that so I avoided being in front of an audience at all costs. And that was only the beginning, soon after that, I developed a fear of everything new, everything out of my control and of people in general. For example, I would get those symptoms (panic attacks) whenever I am in one of these situations:
-where I have to meet new people (even if it's just one)
-where I have to go out with people that I haven't seen in a while (months, years)
-where I get a phone call from an unknown number (even if it's from the
courier, pizza place or whatever)
-where I have to be in a social situation (like a party, going out with friends of my friends that I don't know, playing games like pool, tennis etc, basically everything that involves new people or people that I'm not comfortable enough with)
-where I have to go to the doctor or police or bank, everywhere that
requires me to interact with people I don't know
-where I have to go shopping (the symptoms aren't that bad, but I still feel uneasy and like I am doing something wrong, like walking funny, moving my limbs weird or something)

And besides the social situations, there are more things that would trigger my symptoms. Some of these are:
-if I am in a fight with someone and I have to speak my mind
-if someone accuses me of something I have no fault in
-if someone is telling me that I am not capable of doing something
-If someone is telling me that I am doing something the wrong way
-if someone gives me the impression that he thinks I'm stupid
-if someone is criticizing me too much
-if someone screams at me
-if someone does not listen to what I have to say or tells me that my opinion is wrong too often

And so many other things that I have lost the count for. It's very hard for me to maintain a relationship with someone because of all of this and because I have a constant fear of being abandoned, unloved and not cared for. Therefore I tend to become very controlling, jealous and dependent. And when the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship is gone, I'm starting to feel like the other person is not loving me anymore or the same way he used to to. I always thought that my partner changed with time, but I realize now that that is a normal thing in a relationship.

So, are these signs of C-PTSD? Or something else?

Mental health is a tricky thing I've found. So many symptoms can apply to so many diagnosis. BTW welcome to the forum
The best thing to do is go to your doctor and talk to them and then try to get in with a Mental Health provider. Getting a diagnosis may not be quick since they have to sort all this stuff out. Maybe your primary care provider can give some medication to help some of the symptoms.
I'm sorry things have been so hard for you, keep working at it and it will get better. But you are going to need some help with it. Take care and best wishes.

[SoupDragon]

I'm sorry you experienced all of that. I agree, find a professional to offer you a diagnosis. Your English is perfect by the way ��.