[Trace14]

Good read

Psychologists Warn: NEVER Use These 5 Phrases When Talking To Your Child... - Life Coach Code

excerpt from article :
"An insulting inner voice can prevent us from trying new things by making us feel worthless whenever we make a mistake.

While a friendly inner voice can be our greatest support, guide and motivator in life.

That’s why it is crucial to speak to your child with kindness, love and honesty even if they make a mistake, or do something wrong.

You will develop a voice inside their head that will support them in life whenever they need support, even when you are not there.

"They are extremely damaging to a child’s developing character!

“Stop crying right now!”

Usually when a kid does something it knows will be punished for they start crying. But even though there is no reason for them to cry, that’s their emotion. They have all the right in the world to express how they feel. By saying this you are slowly programming your child to suppress its emotions.

Instead you should kindly say: “It’s ok to cry sweetie, it’s ok to show how you feel. But that doesn’t make what you did a right thing to do.” Hug, and explain why it is wrong what they did.

“You are worthless!”

This is possibly the worst thing you can say to a child. Especially when you are the person and the mental figure they expect most of to be given approval of. By saying this, you are putting your child on a never ending journey to seek approval from the outside world. Instead of helping them find their own worth inside, you are letting them believe they have nothing inside to find.

There are so many things you can say instead of this, like: “You can do better!”, “Nobody is perfect.”, “It’s not your day, you’ll do better next time.”

“Big boys/girls don’t get scared!”

First of all, why are you lying to your kid. You are probably more frightened than they are throughout your day. Second, you are forcing them to reject what they are honestly feeling. Fear is not a bad thing, it reminds us when to be careful. You should not run away from it but face it, be aware, learn from it. And real courage is not being fearless, but facing your fear even if you are terrified.

Instead of this, tell your kid: “It’s ok to be scared buddy. All of us are scared sometimes. But I know there is courage inside you that will help you do the right thing even if you are scared. You are my little hero!”

“I am disappointed in you!”

Parents usually tell this to their children when they already feel bad. Trying to make them responsible for your disappointment is pretty selfish. You can be disappointed in a friend, you can be disappointed in a movie, or even your country’s politics, but you can’t be disappointed in your child. You are there to let them on a right path. So when they do something wrong, guide them back. Your disappointment is in your guidance, not your child. Teach your child what that they did is wrong and why.

Instead of this, tell your kid: “What you did is wrong, in my opinion. And I believe you made an honest mistake. Even if you chose to do what you did, I can assure you’ll realize it’s wrong after I explain. I know you can do better!”

“You are not [something] enough!”

By saying this to your children you are showing them a pretty restricted image of themselves. You are implying that there is something they are lacking in order for them to do what they love or be who they want to be. Even though you are not saying that they are not enough, you are programming their mindset that way. They are enough to be themselves. They always are. A tree is enough to be a tree even when it is only a seed. But it needs to grow in order to become what it is.

Instead of this, tell your kid: “You are enough to be or do what you love. But sometimes we all need to train or practice something before, in order to grow that way.”

[childofchaos831]

This made me think of something that I saw a little while ago. It was a "plan" that a father of teenagers came up with that he called the X plan, or something like that.

Basically, it gives the teen an out of a bad situation, no questions asked. If the teen is with friends and they start getting pressured to drink, do drugs, or anything else they are uncomfortable with or know they would get in trouble for, they can text their parent an X, just an X, and the parent will call in a minute or two, saying they want them home for whatever reason. Basically, instead of having to turn down their friends and expose themselves to possible bullying, the parent becomes the bad guy. The typical uncool dad scenario. When the kid is picked up or gets home, no questions unless they want to talk.

This implies a level of trust in your child, and also protects them from bullying at school. I know it's not entirely on topic here, but I thought of this while reading your post.

I think it's the trust aspect. I know that's something I didn't have with my parents growing up, and even now to an extent. It's also the "disappointed" part. With this plan, the teen can remove themselves from a bad situation without having to "answer" for it later. The same idea as if a teen is drunk, some parents will say to just call, they will come get them and drive them home with no lecture. It's better to not drink and drive than to risk driving drunk to avoid disappointing the parents. But for people who grew up with parents like mine, the thought of calling is terrifying. That disappointment is terrifying.

It's almost hard for me to even imagine that some parents can do stuff like the X plan, because I never experienced it. I experienced ever one of the statements in your post, instead.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by childofchaos831

This made me think of something that I saw a little while ago. It was a "plan" that a father of teenagers came up with that he called the X plan, or something like that.

Basically, it gives the teen an out of a bad situation, no questions asked. If the teen is with friends and they start getting pressured to drink, do drugs, or anything else they are uncomfortable with or know they would get in trouble for, they can text their parent an X, just an X, and the parent will call in a minute or two, saying they want them home for whatever reason. Basically, instead of having to turn down their friends and expose themselves to possible bullying, the parent becomes the bad guy. The typical uncool dad scenario. When the kid is picked up or gets home, no questions unless they want to talk.

This implies a level of trust in your child, and also protects them from bullying at school. I know it's not entirely on topic here, but I thought of this while reading your post.

I think it's the trust aspect. I know that's something I didn't have with my parents growing up, and even now to an extent. It's also the "disappointed" part. With this plan, the teen can remove themselves from a bad situation without having to "answer" for it later. The same idea as if a teen is drunk, some parents will say to just call, they will come get them and drive them home with no lecture. It's better to not drink and drive than to risk driving drunk to avoid disappointing the parents. But for people who grew up with parents like mine, the thought of calling is terrifying. That disappointment is terrifying.

It's almost hard for me to even imagine that some parents can do stuff like the X plan, because I never experienced it. I experienced ever one of the statements in your post, instead.

I'm sorry you had to live my post, I really am. I love your post though and what a great plan, my mom would have never gone for it. But she was not raised like that either, her parents were pretty strict with her too. I think parents parent the only way they know. Times change, people change, environment changes, society changes. I remember we didn't even lock our doors, we had no a/c so that was a good way to cool off the house. Kids stayed within shouting distance of home, when it got dark you came in, life was more simple and less dangerous.
But thanks for this post that's very interesting.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Good read

Psychologists Warn: NEVER Use These 5 Phrases When Talking To Your Child... - Life Coach Code

excerpt from article :
"An insulting inner voice can prevent us from trying new things by making us feel worthless whenever we make a mistake.

While a friendly inner voice can be our greatest support, guide and motivator in life.

That’s why it is crucial to speak to your child with kindness, love and honesty even if they make a mistake, or do something wrong.

You will develop a voice inside their head that will support them in life whenever they need support, even when you are not there.

"They are extremely damaging to a child’s developing character!

“Stop crying right now!”

Usually when a kid does something it knows will be punished for they start crying. But even though there is no reason for them to cry, that’s their emotion. They have all the right in the world to express how they feel. By saying this you are slowly programming your child to suppress its emotions.

Instead you should kindly say: “It’s ok to cry sweetie, it’s ok to show how you feel. But that doesn’t make what you did a right thing to do.” Hug, and explain why it is wrong what they did.

“You are worthless!”

This is possibly the worst thing you can say to a child. Especially when you are the person and the mental figure they expect most of to be given approval of. By saying this, you are putting your child on a never ending journey to seek approval from the outside world. Instead of helping them find their own worth inside, you are letting them believe they have nothing inside to find.

There are so many things you can say instead of this, like: “You can do better!”, “Nobody is perfect.”, “It’s not your day, you’ll do better next time.”

“Big boys/girls don’t get scared!”

First of all, why are you lying to your kid. You are probably more frightened than they are throughout your day. Second, you are forcing them to reject what they are honestly feeling. Fear is not a bad thing, it reminds us when to be careful. You should not run away from it but face it, be aware, learn from it. And real courage is not being fearless, but facing your fear even if you are terrified.

Instead of this, tell your kid: “It’s ok to be scared buddy. All of us are scared sometimes. But I know there is courage inside you that will help you do the right thing even if you are scared. You are my little hero!”

“I am disappointed in you!”

Parents usually tell this to their children when they already feel bad. Trying to make them responsible for your disappointment is pretty selfish. You can be disappointed in a friend, you can be disappointed in a movie, or even your country’s politics, but you can’t be disappointed in your child. You are there to let them on a right path. So when they do something wrong, guide them back. Your disappointment is in your guidance, not your child. Teach your child what that they did is wrong and why.

Instead of this, tell your kid: “What you did is wrong, in my opinion. And I believe you made an honest mistake. Even if you chose to do what you did, I can assure you’ll realize it’s wrong after I explain. I know you can do better!”

“You are not [something] enough!”

By saying this to your children you are showing them a pretty restricted image of themselves. You are implying that there is something they are lacking in order for them to do what they love or be who they want to be. Even though you are not saying that they are not enough, you are programming their mindset that way. They are enough to be themselves. They always are. A tree is enough to be a tree even when it is only a seed. But it needs to grow in order to become what it is.

Instead of this, tell your kid: “You are enough to be or do what you love. But sometimes we all need to train or practice something before, in order to grow that way.”

If the sample negative statements above were the only things that my father said to me, I don't think I'd be on this forum today. Multiply the hurtfulness of those comments by ten, repeat daily for 11 years (my first memory of this was when I was seven, but I'm sure it happened before that), and continue sporadically into adulthood. The recipe for C-PTSD.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by reb569

If the sample negative statements above were the only things that my father said to me, I don't think I'd be on this forum today. Multiply the hurtfulness of those comments by ten, repeat daily for 11 years (my first memory of this was when I was seven, but I'm sure it happened before that), and continue sporadically into adulthood. The recipe for C-PTSD.

I am always wondering how my C-PTSD has impacted my daughter. I wonder if I had gone into therapy when I was in college would things come out better for her? Would she never had struggled with depression? Bipolar?

I rack my brain for any time I may have used any of the negative terms above with her, or close variations, when stressed out and I can't think of any. I just can't. Did I always successfully provide a positive statement in it's place? Sometimes yes, but probably not always. I keep trying to convince myself that I've been a good Mom to her, that my CPTSD didn't have a major impact on her, but I just can't quite convince myself. So I blame myself, I blame myself for not being enough, for missing signs of depression, for thinking, "It's just a stage". I was wrong. How can someone who took every psychology course I could in college, totally miss the signs of depression? Of Anxiety? I knew what the signs were, but I totally missed them. Why? Granted, I didn't go into Social Work as a career as initially planned, but I had the education, why did I fail to use it?

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

I am always wondering how my C-PTSD has impacted my daughter. I wonder if I had gone into therapy when I was in college would things come out better for her? Would she never had struggled with depression? Bipolar?

I rack my brain for any time I may have used any of the negative terms above with her, or close variations, when stressed out and I can't think of any. I just can't. Did I always successfully provide a positive statement in it's place? Sometimes yes, but probably not always. I keep trying to convince myself that I've been a good Mom to her, that my CPTSD didn't have a major impact on her, but I just can't quite convince myself. So I blame myself, I blame myself for not being enough, for missing signs of depression, for thinking, "It's just a stage". I was wrong. How can someone who took every psychology course I could in college, totally miss the signs of depression? Of Anxiety? I knew what the signs were, but I totally missed them. Why? Granted, I didn't go into Social Work as a career as initially planned, but I had the education, why did I fail to use it?

Sorry you had so much negative feedback from your Dad. It's obvious that it deeply hurt you. Having knowledge is a strange thing, in how when you need it for yourself or someone you love it's not there for you. Your daughter probably did what we do and hide those symptoms from people. We wear that mask of happiness and act as if nothing is wrong. So don't blame yourself she was probably intentionally trying to keep you from worrying.
The good thing is that she is getting help now and well as you. Don't get stuck in the "what if's" of life because there is no way to fix those situations. You have to realize how much you love your daughter and how you did the best you could for her. You wouldn't intentionally hurt your daughter, I know that, you know that. Kids don't come with instructions, so you do the best you can with them and if that didn't work then you try something else when you realize that. I have no doubt that you are a very caring, loving mother.

[awhellnaw]

I've heard it said (and it should be screamed) that when communicating with a child, it takes ten approving statements to heal the damage done by one disapproving one.

My folks must have read that backwards.

Somewhere in my preteens, I was admonished for something I did with the words, "We will never be able to trust you again!" They were my parents, I believed them. They gave me the silent treatment for days to seal the deal and never spoke of it again. I spent the rest of my teens feeling worthless.

Just before college, they allowed me to drive their brand new car. I was shocked they were giving the keys to someone they didn't trust and I mentioned it. Instead of apologizing for having caused me so much pain and anxiety, they admonished me AGAIN for being so stupid as to take what they said literally. Apparently, I was supposed to magically understand throughout my young life which of their statements were intended as truth and which ones weren't and which ones transformed from one to the other and when.

Bottom line, there was one rule and one rule only in our family: I existed to make them feel better about themselves, end of story. Any thoughts, feelings, needs of mine to the contrary were unnecessary or flat out wrong. Is it any wonder I've been attracting narcissists all this time?