The girl I used to be

I'm proud of myself these days; I never was before.

Can I learn to love the me of before? Can I see her as more than a feral eyesore? If I truly love myself now, then I must love me of the past, as I am only one person. Also, I'm no girl; I'm a woman.

I'm trying to integrate all my fragmented pieces. It's required many steps to get this far, and it is so challenging. It's such a mysterious process, it almost makes no sense explaining it or describing it. Every discovery I made, it felt like, "but I already knew that!" What I knew to be true, and what I'd let myself do/not do, were very much removed from each other.

little me feels abandoned in there, frozen in shock. maybe she had her heart broken, I'm not exactly sure how and who did it. I've grown up denying that sad and scared little girl exists.

"She" makes her appearance and My problem solving skills evaporate. I want to help her before she shows up again.

I notice I wrote she's "in there," which sounds detached and fragmented. So I'll say instead that I feel a deep sadness when I think of myself when I was young.
I would have liked to have someone I could trust back then, someone who could tell me I didn't have to believe what I was being told. Someone who wouldn't fill my head up with lies, someone who wouldn't use me to feel better about themselves. It's sad my parents suffered so much. Always suffering.

I can reach back, and she can reach forward until we're one. What is the thread that connects us?

Love is the thread that binds.

I've felt some love for her. I'll have to work on making that binding thread stronger

You can't love her, until you forgive what hurt her. I think that's the hardest part: forgiving those that are dearest to us for the harm they caused, and forgiving ourselves the harm we caused others. Much love and hope you have a wonderful day/night