[Trace14]

Do you have expectations of people?

[SoupDragon]

Yes I do. Although am learning to be more flexible with these.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Yes I do. Although am learning to be more flexible with these.

I was explaining to the group T about my bad feeling towards VA MH in general. I told her that I had no expectations from any of them. She asked if I had expectations of other people and I had to think about it, but I answered yes. No I don't know if that was the right answer.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Do you have expectations of people?

Yes!!!! And they fail to meet them

[MtnTime2896]

Honestly, my expectations of people are relatively low. I've learned over the past five or so years that expectations only lead to disappointment. Not to mention, everyone is different and with their own story. I can't expect something from one person and hold another to the same standard. I accept that people will come as they are. Doesn't mean I have to like it. "I don't blame you for being you, but you can't blame me for hating it" -Fall Out Boy, 'A Little Less Than Sixteen Candles...'.

So, to sum it up: I do have an expectation, for humans to act like humans.

For people I really know personally, well that's a little different. I still expect them to make human mistakes but I generally expect them to be a decent person. More than anything, I expect honesty.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Honestly, my expectations of people are relatively low. I've learned over the past five or so years that expectations only lead to disappointment. Not to mention, everyone is different and with their own story. I can't expect something from one person and hold another to the same standard. I accept that people will come as they are. Doesn't mean I have to like it. "I don't blame you for being you, but you can't blame me for hating it" -Fall Out Boy, 'A Little Less Than Sixteen Candles...'.

So, to sum it up: I do have an expectation, for humans to act like humans.

For people I really know personally, well that's a little different. I still expect them to make human mistakes but I generally expect them to be a decent person. More than anything, I expect honesty.

My expectations are for people to do what they are suppose to. Like you go to the doctor and you expect them to treat what ever is bothering you. I expect a dentist to clean my teeth. But other people I really don't have expectations of them. My favorite saying is "It is what it is" .

[SoupDragon]

I think there are general, moral / ethical expectations, that we have every right to hold. But I also think we can have deeper expectations, that may not always be well placed.

Like I expect my dentist to know how to look after my teeth, but not be able to give me a vision check.

Our expectations need to be tailored to the situation / person and for there to be limits. No-one being able to be everything for us and ultimately to accept as humans, we can all make mistakes and let people down from time to time.

I had huge expectations of my parents. I felt let down. I think as a child, I had the right to hold those expectations, but as an adult, have to accept they messed up us parents, as they didn't have the skills.

Actually read a quote yesterday:

Someone asked
Who hurt you?

I replied,
My own expectations.

So maybe it is about, being clear and reasonable with our expectations, but to be able to forgive (with boundaries) when they are not met.

[reb569]

Yes I do have expectations of people, to some extent, at least for people I interact with on a regular basis, such as family and co-workers. I hope that they will be honest with me and not do anything to harm me.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I think there are general, moral / ethical expectations, that we have every right to hold. But I also think we can have deeper expectations, that may not always be well placed.

Like I expect my dentist to know how to look after my teeth, but not be able to give me a vision check.

Our expectations need to be tailored to the situation / person and for there to be limits. No-one being able to be everything for us and ultimately to accept as humans, we can all make mistakes and let people down from time to time.

I had huge expectations of my parents. I felt let down. I think as a child, I had the right to hold those expectations, but as an adult, have to accept they messed up us parents, as they didn't have the skills.

Actually read a quote yesterday:

Someone asked
Who hurt you?

I replied,
My own expectations.

So maybe it is about, being clear and reasonable with our expectations, but to be able to forgive (with boundaries) when they are not met.

Good explanation, I needed that. I was having a hard time putting that into words. I feel the same way about parents, beside it's not good to hold on to that anger or disappointment, serves no purpose. Do I wish things were different growing up? Yes.
That quote is by Barkha Yogshwar I like it.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

Yes I do have expectations of people, to some extent, at least for people I interact with on a regular basis, such as family and co-workers. I hope that they will be honest with me and not do anything to harm me.

Do you think those expectations are a reality though? Maybe setting yourself up for disappointment? Not saying it's wrong to have those expectations, but when they falter from that expectation it hurts. Maybe specific expectations is what gets us hurt. Maybe just expecting people to be people would be fair and reasonable, since we are all subject to mistakes and letting down someone's expectations.
Something to think about for sure.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Trace14

That quote is by Barkha Yogshwar I like it.

It is a good quote, quite powerful for me.

[Teddy Bear]

I've learned not to have expectations. If someone helps me great.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

It is a good quote, quite powerful for me.

Absolutely!

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Teddy Bear

I've learned not to have expectations. If someone helps me great.

That's a safe way to look at. I wish I could reach that point.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Do you think those expectations are a reality though? Maybe setting yourself up for disappointment? Not saying it's wrong to have those expectations, but when they falter from that expectation it hurts. Maybe specific expectations is what gets us hurt. Maybe just expecting people to be people would be fair and reasonable, since we are all subject to mistakes and letting down someone's expectations.
Something to think about for sure.

In reality my expectations are pretty low and for the most part, co-workers in general have failed to meet them. My family (my living brothers and sisters) has done better I guess, but we really don't see each other all that much so it may be different if we did more together. I have much higher expectations for myself though and I don't always live up to them.

In the past, friends that I've had have totally failed to meet those expectations. That is why I don't actively try to start friendships with people. Honestly, my "best friend" in high school really set the stage for that for me after she

Possible trigger:

Sat by and did nothing when her older brother sexually assaulted me, and then tried to set me up to be raped by her cousin. I realized what was going on when I over heard her talking to him about it afterwards. I ended our friendship after that.

[SoupDragon]

I'm sorry you experienced that reb569. Both the physical stuff and betrayal from your friend.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

In reality my expectations are pretty low and for the most part, co-workers in general have failed to meet them. My family (my living brothers and sisters) has done better I guess, but we really don't see each other all that much so it may be different if we did more together. I have much higher expectations for myself though and I don't always live up to them.

In the past, friends that I've had have totally failed to meet those expectations. That is why I don't actively try to start friendships with people. Honestly, my "best friend" in high school really set the stage for that for me after she

Possible trigger:

Sat by and did nothing when her older brother sexually assaulted me, and then tried to set me up to be raped by her cousin. I realized what was going on when I over heard her talking to him about it afterwards. I ended our friendship after that.

Well that was a sucky friend , she needed her a__ kicked. That's what is so confusing about expectations. Is it healthy for us to have them or not? Is it okay to have expectations of doctors, dentist? Not sure why this is so hard for me to grasp and be able to tell the T an answer that I was sure of.

[Open Eyes]

Expectations can be about how one expects too much of self too.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Expectations can be about how one expects too much of self too.

Very true. We can be our worst enemy, our worst critic, our worst stuck point.

[SoupDragon]

I think we have every right to hold reasonable expectations, but have no control over whether they are met.

Still working on the "crush" when they are not met though

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I think we have every right to hold reasonable expectations, but have no control over whether they are met.

Still working on the "crush" when they are not met though

Maybe it's a given and natural thing to have expectations, kind of an uncontrollable. But .....finding that way to handle that disappointment is key. You know the old saying you always hurt the ones you love? Seems like when someone you love breaks those expectations, it hurts twice as bad.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Well that was a sucky friend , she needed her a__ kicked. That's what is so confusing about expectations. Is it healthy for us to have them or not? Is it okay to have expectations of doctors, dentist? Not sure why this is so hard for me to grasp and be able to tell the T an answer that I was sure of.

I think that yes, it is healthy to have expectations of Dr's, Dentist's etc. You are putting your health in their hands and they are responsible for making decisions that could impact your life. So yes, I would say that an expectation for a Dr., Dentist, Therapist etc is that they act with your best interests in mind, understanding that there is always room for error.

The way I look at it, if you hire someone to plow your driveway, you expect to be able to drive in or out of the driveway without getting stuck. If you hire someone to fix a leak in your roof, you expect that the end result will be roof that no longer leaks, and that looks good too. So yes, absolutely, any professional that deals with your physical or mental health should expect to be held to expectations of some sort.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Expectations can be about how one expects too much of self too.

I'm very prone to this myself. I'm very hard on myself when I don't meet them too.

[peaches100]

I don't know if I have overly high expectations for people, or if I have just been unfortunate in having so many people treat me badly. All I know is that I have repeatedly been disappointed when I expected someone to act in a certain way and they didn't.

I don't feel like what I expect is excessive. I only expect from my family and friends what I am also willing to do for them...things that are kind, fair, and empathetic. But people often fail to do those things, so it must be that I am expecting too much. My husband says most people aren't like me. He says the majority of people in this world don't think about other people's needs or care about other people as much as I do. He says I keep expecting them to act the way I would, and that is why I am always disappointed.

I feel like I have been betrayed by so many people I loved and trusted -- from early childhood until now at 50+ -- that the only way I can keep from continually being hurt or used is to keep everyone at arm's length. I try to be kind, show personal interest, and be helpful...but at the same time, I guard my heart with iron. I reveal very little about my deepest thoughts and feelings, try to avoid emotional attachment, and keep my dealings with people limited to that which is superficial fluff.

It's kind of an empty way to live, and it makes me very sad at at times because I feel very alone. But I haven't found any other way to protect my heart from repeatedly being let down and hurt. People I interact with think they know me, and that we are good friends, but they only know about 15% of of who I am. There are very few people who I've allowed into my inner circle (I can count them on one hand). I treasure those few persons...

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by peaches100

It's kind of an empty way to live, and it makes me very sad at at times because I feel very alone. But I haven't found any other way to protect my heart from repeatedly being let down and hurt. People I interact with think they know me, and that we are good friends, but they only know about 15% of of who I am. There are very few people who I've allowed into my inner circle (I can count them on one hand). I treasure those few persons...

I could have written this myself. That hiding part of me away from others, who think they know the whole of me.

Yes, I can feel very lonely at times, but don't know how to be different.

I'm glad you have a few people you treasure.