[reb569]

.....has had me thinking ever since our conversation the other day.

I had a call out to him to set up my daughter's next appointment and he called me Tuesday morning. I discussed some things that have been going on with my daughter (both good and some potentially not so good) and he asked me if I had talked to her about something. I said no, because if I do she will get mad at me. He asked, Is it an issue if she gets mad at you? My answer was, "I don't know", but in reality, yes that is an issue and I've been thinking a lot about it and that is one of my main triggers. When someone is (or I think someone is) mad at me, I get very anxious and the unending catastrophic thinking starts and continues for hours, sometimes days, insomnia sets in or just broken sleep. I'm thinking about the issue when I go to sleep, I sometimes dream about the issue I wake up a couple hours later thinking about the issue, (repeat several times), get up for the day and it interferes with my day to day activities at home, at work, where ever I go. And then finally it will let off, or the person I think might be angry at me says something and I realize he or she wasn't angry, was just tire or stressed him or herself.

I wonder if this is my main trigger? My father was always mad at someone, at my mother, at me, at my brothers or sisters, or at a neighbor, friend or extended family member. When he was mad at someone outside of the immediate family he took it out on us and sometimes those turned out to be the worst incidents, especially when we were younger. Not understanding what we were doing wrong to be targeted, yelled at, screamed at, called names. Having to be quiet for hours, no talking, don't use the bathroom, don't turn on the water, sit there quietly because he's in a bad mood and if we interrupt his nap he will start in on someone. And if the baby (my youngest sister) should cry? "Shut that g@d d@amn baby up!".

Could this be the key to a lot of it? It's Thursday morning and this all has been running through my mind since Tuesday. I'm hoping writing it down breaks the cycle.

Yes, it may be an important observation. I think some of the intense emotions we felt as a child can be triggered and replay over and over. Sometimes, when we understand this, we still can't stop it. It can feel like we are on autopilot. But knowing can help us recognize it better. Unfortunately, when I am under stress, some of the same old feelings come back. Like you, I want to "break the cycle." I do go through periods of time where I have quieted them and think I have "healed". It is good that you recognize the problem though, sometimes you can manage and stop them--that is a very good thing.

[SoupDragon]

I guess, as children, when exposed to such things, without the adult thoughts or power to deal with it, strategies are learned to survive. There are probably limited options as kids though, as we still depend on parents for shelter, food etc.

So I do think these same feelings can get triggered as adults in similar circumstances.

Probably a good first step in over coming this, to be open to explore it and recognise when it may be happening and then learning to respond to the situation, in a different way.

Not sure how to do this yet, I'm still in the exploring stage.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

.....has had me thinking ever since our conversation the other day.

I had a call out to him to set up my daughter's next appointment and he called me Tuesday morning. I discussed some things that have been going on with my daughter (both good and some potentially not so good) and he asked me if I had talked to her about something. I said no, because if I do she will get mad at me. He asked, Is it an issue if she gets mad at you? My answer was, "I don't know", but in reality, yes that is an issue and I've been thinking a lot about it and that is one of my main triggers. When someone is (or I think someone is) mad at me, I get very anxious and the unending catastrophic thinking starts and continues for hours, sometimes days, insomnia sets in or just broken sleep. I'm thinking about the issue when I go to sleep, I sometimes dream about the issue I wake up a couple hours later thinking about the issue, (repeat several times), get up for the day and it interferes with my day to day activities at home, at work, where ever I go. And then finally it will let off, or the person I think might be angry at me says something and I realize he or she wasn't angry, was just tire or stressed him or herself.

I wonder if this is my main trigger? My father was always mad at someone, at my mother, at me, at my brothers or sisters, or at a neighbor, friend or extended family member. When he was mad at someone outside of the immediate family he took it out on us and sometimes those turned out to be the worst incidents, especially when we were younger. Not understanding what we were doing wrong to be targeted, yelled at, screamed at, called names. Having to be quiet for hours, no talking, don't use the bathroom, don't turn on the water, sit there quietly because he's in a bad mood and if we interrupt his nap he will start in on someone. And if the baby (my youngest sister) should cry? "Shut that g@d d@amn baby up!".

Could this be the key to a lot of it? It's Thursday morning and this all has been running through my mind since Tuesday. I'm hoping writing it down breaks the cycle.

That was odd that he would ask if it's an issue if you daughter gets mad at you. Well of course it would be an issue. Who wants their kid to be mad with them? Why would you want to risk the relationship you have now and her being happy? There's such a thing as picking your battles. I would think he would understand that. I think having someone you love be mad with you hurts more than having someone you don't know or hardly know being mad.
As far as your issues with your Dad that sounds like something you should discuss with your T. You may have very well uncovered something.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by Trace14

That was odd that he would ask if it's an issue if you daughter gets mad at you. Well of course it would be an issue. Who wants their kid to be mad with them? Why would you want to risk the relationship you have now and her being happy? There's such a thing as picking your battles. I would think he would understand that. I think having someone you love be mad with you hurts more than having someone you don't know or hardly know being mad.
As far as your issues with your Dad that sounds like something you should discuss with your T. You may have very well uncovered something.

He's quite unique in a lot of ways. He asked it more in an exploratory way, not in a nasty way. Taken out of context it may sound like a tough question, but it really wasn't. He's actually been very good with me over the 1 1/2 years he's worked with my daughter. He's helped me deal with a lot of what's happened. This particular question just kind of stuck with me, not so much because of the question, but because of my answer.

Yeah I am going to discuss this with my therapist. I have an appointment with her next week.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

Yes, it may be an important observation. I think some of the intense emotions we felt as a child can be triggered and replay over and over. Sometimes, when we understand this, we still can't stop it. It can feel like we are on autopilot. But knowing can help us recognize it better. Unfortunately, when I am under stress, some of the same old feelings come back. Like you, I want to "break the cycle." I do go through periods of time where I have quieted them and think I have "healed". It is good that you recognize the problem though, sometimes you can manage and stop them--that is a very good thing.

You are right. I consider this a pretty important realization. I've never really tied a specific trait/symptom of mine to my childhood in this way before. I've always known it was the key, but in a general way. It's definitely something I need to explore.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I guess, as children, when exposed to such things, without the adult thoughts or power to deal with it, strategies are learned to survive. There are probably limited options as kids though, as we still depend on parents for shelter, food etc.

So I do think these same feelings can get triggered as adults in similar circumstances.

Probably a good first step in over coming this, to be open to explore it and recognise when it may be happening and then learning to respond to the situation, in a different way.

Not sure how to do this yet, I'm still in the exploring stage.

It's such a long road isn't it? One thing I have to work on is my ability to recognize when I'm getting triggered at work and using grounding techniques to settle myself down. I'm better at that when I'm at home sometimes, but only if I catch it early. Once it builds to a certain point, for some reason, the thought of using grounding techniques doesn't even occur to me.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by reb569

Once it builds to a certain point, for some reason, the thought of using grounding techniques doesn't even occur to me.

Yes, this definitely describes me. I have no concept of grounding techniques, when I hit that overwhelm.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

He's quite unique in a lot of ways. He asked it more in an exploratory way, not in a nasty way. Taken out of context it may sound like a tough question, but it really wasn't. He's actually been very good with me over the 1 1/2 years he's worked with my daughter. He's helped me deal with a lot of what's happened. This particular question just kind of stuck with me, not so much because of the question, but because of my answer.

Yeah I am going to discuss this with my therapist. I have an appointment with her next week.

It's great to have one of those Ah ha moments, I feel like I have some control when I know what I'm dealing with. That way I can look for ways to deal with it. But if you don't know the root cause you just swim in a pool of uncertainty.