HYE heard of Passive Suicidal Ideation?

That's why my pdoc and i came to the 0 to 10 scale method. I've used it in DBT IOP, on the check in sheets, and there they didn't stress too much about constant lower numbers. With me, they learned that mid range numbers were also not that big of a risk. They only really got concerned with big spikes or longer periods of high numbers. I've actually used it with a couple pdoc's now, since I go to a teaching office, and see a resident while they are finishing up. It's worked pretty well for me.

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

My therapist journey, over 20 years and over 20 therapists... I was completely open and honest (90% tbh). Most of them barely reacted to this specific concept, or we never even got around to discussing it, or they didn’t react at all about it. This thinking was not my primary concern for seeing the t.

My primary concern was a relationship/sexual issue with my h, and sometimes a relationship issue with my mother. But, I would not have gone to t because of her, only him.

This last t grossly overreacted. I ended up inpatient for a night and a day. She even told me that I had threatened sui, “said over and over that I wanted to die”, after the incident when she wanted to see me for another appointment. I asked her if my session was recorded for proof, because I distinctly said “I am not sui” loudly and clearly. So, no there was not another appointment with her.

Then I saw one last psychiatrist, one whom this t referred me to. Thank God I had the appointment with her, or they would not have released me from the psych ward for the whole weekend!

She said this problem with my h, which went on for 20 years, was HIS problem. And since telling him that, he has been so much better!

I went to counseling about 14yrs - for depression, anxiety, PTSD - and later abuse issues .. Suicidality was always a question if I seemed even slightly depressed. I too was and am an honest person - so it would get discussed that way n misinterpreted. Or sometimes, I would try to get advice on it when I noticed it start to become more than a "background" thought. In other words, it wasn't just something that was an overall feeling - but if I was sitting idle, it became a thought as well, but I still had zero inclination to participate in my own demise.

Now, all that being said - I have been suicidal n have attempted - but- also clearly outlined how they can tell if I am going through this process and where I am in it (I have 5 stages I go thru - last is attempt stage) bc sometimes all my issues fall together like a domino effect n I become overwhelmed. So - open honesty on that was my safety valve. I have not been to a counselor in over a year though. But, they have generally always been very mistrusting of this particular issue. I can plainly tell the difference in the feeling n am honest about it - the times they need to worry is when I am avoidant in answering. Yet, this response gets more concern at times. Doesn't seem to make sense to me.

Plus, I think it is a very ‘normal’ thought to have when our problems become so overwhelming, we don’t know how to get out of them. When you feel cornered and so overwhelmed, that you can’t solve your problems. I think it’s a ‘natural’ response to want to escape in any way you can. Maybe I’m ‘off’. Do most people think like this?

The difference is not really acting on it. That’s when you really need help from a therapist. But, if they have you go inpatient, my experience was that it was a group counseling atmosphere. You are given a bed, bath, and meals. You hang out with the other patients. A social worker did two group sessions with us, and we all got personal about why we were there in front of each other. So, no, I did not open up about my personal issues.

Inpatient was a place where one could not hurt themselves while there. So, if you are sui, it’s good to go just to be safe right then.

Then the psychiatrist comes and talks to each patient for a few minutes. They get you an appoint with an out-patient therapist and release you once you say you are not sui.

Yea I have been inpatient quite a few times, but they keep you longer if you refuse to open up in group was always my experience. It was not a requirement - but the average stay was 3dys, those who did not open up generally found themselves there about a week. So .. I kind of used that to my advantage - if I knew I really needed the help, I just listened n did not open up, if I knew I did not need much help, I opened up. Generally my stays were voluntary. Only one was not. I usually talked my counselor down - but like I said, it took up 90% of the session, very aggravating.

Yes my last time with a pdoc I was 302'd from her office by the police! No I will not return to any MH person for myself. I've had too many issues with people in this field that only wanto do their job according to the book.
That 302 was horrible & my H yelled at me for it bec it was so unexpected...& I was not a cooperative patient bec I knew I was not really being listened to.

I found a lump in my breast last yr & so wanted it to be cancer. Didn't even tell my SO that I was having a biopsy. I don't wanto be forced to do things based on other family members.
My kids would be ok. I'm not saying fine, but ok & if it was something terminal, which it wasn't, I should be allowed to handle my own health. Honestly I don't see that happening unless I'd keep things quiet.
Now if I had something that was terminal would I be allowed to refuse treatment? Is this considered a type of suicide? I think it starts a slippery slope on the issue of assisted suicide.

When it comes to PTSD and how trauma affects a person on such a deep level, it can have the affect of where the person simply doesn't want to feel that "pain" anymore, the loss they struggle with that affects their sense of self on such a deep level that it brings such a weariness that is so hard to articulate. It's really not so much not wanting to exist anymore, its not wanting to exist with the emotional challenge the person is struggling with and how a trauma has affected how the individual struggles to regain their sense of self back where they can feel safe to live their life in a meaningful way that is very personal to that individual.

You don’t have to go to the doctor and do tests, or get treatment for physical illnesses, if you don’t want to.

My father ‘smoked himself to death’, chain smoking 4 packs a day. But, he didn’t die of lung cancer. It was pancreatic.

My step father eats Burger King every day. He doesn’t care how much he gains. Yet, he is alive and has lived remarkably long.

It is a slippery slope of where the line is drawn here. My mom screamed at both of them, “You’re killing yourself!” But, I’m not sure they were/are. They just didn’t care and wanted to do the unhealthy thing they wanted to do...or did they?

I would welcome a grandchild, but I'm in no rush. My daughter really needs to get her life on track and find a way to move forward first and I think that is going to take awhile. I want to see her do well and be happy, not be concerned about money, but I am afraid that is always going to be a challenge for her.

I honestly just don't have enough in my retirement account. Without a promotion and a major raise, (I'm in that group of employees that seem to always be overlooked for promotions) there isn't much I can do about that at this point. I can't afford to put much in it since I live paycheck to paycheck. My 401k I'm not even considering at this point. I will be dependent on Social Security and who knows what's going to happen to that. It's just all kind of hopeless.

Maybe it's time to look for another job. Or get things paid for before retiring. Or work part time after retirement. Talk to a financial adviser and see if there's anyway to grow that money faster, without huge risk.There are options.

Another job is not an option. The possibility of me finding a job that pays as well as I get paid right now, even though I am very underpaid (I estimate they would have to pay someone at least 20% more if they had to replace me), are slim to none. Unless I get laid off, which isn't likely, I'm here for the duration.

I am going to go out on a limb this year and cut back my payroll deduction to my HSA account a little. This past January I went into the new year with just a couple hundred in my account, this coming January I'm going in with enough to cover my full deductible of $3500. That money can go to paying off bills. Then, if I get a decent raise in March I can bump my 401k donation back up some, enough to at least get a partial company match anyway.

I'm already planning on working part time at retirement, or, if I have my web design business going good then, that will be my part time work.

I already have my 401k set up for a good mix of profitability and risk. I just never had the opportunity to have a 401k until I started with this company in 2005. In the 2008 crash, I had co-workers who lost more than I actually had in my account. LOL

Sounds like a plan. Your HSA rolls over? Ours didn't. We had to calculate what our bills may be and put that amount in. Otherwise we would loose it at the end of the year. You should be able to roll over the balance, why should they get it?

Your are thinking about a Flexible spending account. I've never used one of those because you can lose it.

The HSA (Health Savings Account) is your money. You have limits for how much you can put in tax free, but it does roll over. You can even move excess money over the HSA CDs.

There are lots of limitations, can only be used for qualified medical expenses, and you have to have a High Deductible Health Plan to open one.

Back in the mid 90's when my depression was really bad I was continually attempting to end my life. At the same time my anorexia got really bad. When I was pushed into going to an ED treatment facility, I basically told them that dying of anorexia would leave my daughter with less stigma that if I committed suicide.....that was a concept I had long before here was a term for it.

Lol.....neither anorexia nor suicide was successful in ending my life & I am so thankful because I would not be enjoying the wonderful life I have now.....but I was serious at the time.....had no desire to live & now I realize that was because at the time I was trapped in the bad marriage with no other possible way out......there was finally a way out & I left.....that saved my life.

Today I almost got run over by a bus. The bodywork and wheels passed less than 5 centimeters from my bicycle.

I didn't push forward. Yet you may guess my true feeling at such a moment. If something got me afraid, wasn't dying but living wounded, being as useless as unemployed as I am, I'm no worth for the most basic of health services in this modern world, and this was yet another special opportunity natural selection offered society to purge yet another lazy, pitiful, effort lacking scum from the gene pool. A relief to those hardworking taxpayers (in some years, there'll not even be any public system for such taxes to matter anyways), martyrs of mankind.

I had a laugh, and reminded myself of how often I've been there.

I’ve been reading this thread for a while.

I️ am terrified of doctors or medical people in general. There are reasons that I️ would rather not say.

I️ do have issues that I️ do know need attention, but I️ choose not to have them addressed.

I️ really don’t think that my absence would really matter other than the fact that I️ wouldn’t be the provider of something that someone wants from me.

I️ may, no, I️ would be missed for that.

The thought of being not here, a place I’ve never felt welcomed, would be welcoming to me.

I️ would not do anything to make that happen, but if it came about that way, I️ don’t know.

I️ want to believe I️ have a purpose here and I️ want to achieve that.

I️ would just like to go home when that purpose is achieved and I’ve done what I’m put here to do.

I know after what my mom went through with her cancer treatment I would chose to do NO TREATMENT & live a few months less but have a better quality of life doing it.

Got in a discussion with the PA at the pain specialist office before I left because of their policy on lowering the pain med I had been on successfully with NO side effects for 18 years. They were doing this song & dance about how bad the med was & I said...ok...tell me what in my body it has harmed these last 18 years....was met with silence. Then I said IF ibuprofen had worked & i had to take an equivalent high dose to control the pain, what bad shape would my kidneys be in by now & that crap is OTC. Then they said it could be bad later on in life. I said....Ill take that chance since tomorrow I could step off a curb & be hit by a car or in a fatal auto accident before that ever MIGHT happen. Also told them if i was going to end up going back to the no quality life I had before the med thete was no way I was going to bother caring for any other aspect of my health life.

Decided if that was the care they were NOW giving since the owner I first saw has retired....i dont need their crap & will find some other pain specislist. Blessed thst my migrainesvatent as bad as they had been but they are worse then when on the dose thst worked with the med. But when life quality is low its hardbto want to do anything to encourage life. I wont actively tey to end my life sny more but I wont do anything to encourage lengthening it either