So... alone

MtnTime2896 · Jan 08, 2018, 01:54 AM

I feel more alone than ever. My official diagnoses have changed. Well, except for the PTSD. My T says my PTSD is severe. I'm going to be honest, I always figured PTSD was PTSD. Severe and mild and everything in between didn't exist. I was also recently diagnosed with Schizophrenia. Whoo-hoo. Not that it really changes anything, though. I'm still experiencing the same crap day in and day out.

I took my friend to an IP hospital the other day. She has severe depression and SI, and what I believe to be undiagnosed PTSD. She refuses to tell people about it. I'm one of two people she's told things to. My mom's sick, too, but more physical right now. I'm scared to lose them. I hardly see my fiance anymore because I was kicked out (for reasons that still haven't been revealed to me) of his parent's place. Whatever, it's their house. Still sucks that I can't be with him.

Anyway, all of this added stress to everything has left me feeling numb and calm tonight. Not in a good way. I only get this calm before memories, flashbacks and nightmares begin. My hallucinations are slim to none (as far as I can tell) which also tends to happen prior to a major episode/breakdown. I know I can't stop it, so I'm just waiting for it to happen.

Sorry for writing a book. I just have no one else to tell this stuff to. Everyone needs me okay right now. My friend, my mom, my fiance, my friend's family... everyone. And I'm locked in denial that I'm spiralling downward so fast, I might as well be plummeting. I see it, but I don't feel it, yet (if you know what I mean). I'm considering just triggering the **** out of myself to get tonight over with. At this point I'm just rambling. Hell, maybe I was the whole time. I need to man up and shut up.

Trace14 · Jan 08, 2018, 03:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I feel more alone than ever. My official diagnoses have changed. Well, except for the PTSD. My T says my PTSD is severe. I'm going to be honest, I always figured PTSD was PTSD. Severe and mild and everything in between didn't exist. I was also recently diagnosed with Schizophrenia. Whoo-hoo. Not that it really changes anything, though. I'm still experiencing the same crap day in and day out.

I took my friend to an IP hospital the other day. She has severe depression and SI, and what I believe to be undiagnosed PTSD. She refuses to tell people about it. I'm one of two people she's told things to. My mom's sick, too, but more physical right now. I'm scared to lose them. I hardly see my fiance anymore because I was kicked out (for reasons that still haven't been revealed to me) of his parent's place. Whatever, it's their house. Still sucks that I can't be with him.

Anyway, all of this added stress to everything has left me feeling numb and calm tonight. Not in a good way. I only get this calm before memories, flashbacks and nightmares begin. My hallucinations are slim to none (as far as I can tell) which also tends to happen prior to a major episode/breakdown. I know I can't stop it, so I'm just waiting for it to happen.

Sorry for writing a book. I just have no one else to tell this stuff to. Everyone needs me okay right now. My friend, my mom, my fiance, my friend's family... everyone. And I'm locked in denial that I'm spiralling downward so fast, I might as well be plummeting. I see it, but I don't feel it, yet (if you know what I mean). I'm considering just triggering the **** out of myself to get tonight over with. At this point I'm just rambling. Hell, maybe I was the whole time. I need to man up and shut up.

You are never alone. You always can return to PC home. Sorry to hear about your friend and your mom. Plus not seeing your boyfriend. Can he not come to your place and see you? I've said it before you are a good person to take care of these people when you really don't feel like it. You are stronger than you think.

MtnTime2896 · Jan 08, 2018, 03:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trace14

You are never alone. You always can return to PC home. Sorry to hear about your friend and your mom. Plus not seeing your boyfriend. Can he not come to your place and see you? I've said it before you are a good person to take care of these people when you really don't feel like it. You are stronger than you think.

Thank you, Trace.

He does come to see me. Unfortunately, he works nights and I'm up during the day, so we can't be together as often as we'd like.

I really am just feeling like my mind's gone twelve rounds with a block of cement. I'm going up to the mountains to take care of my mom tomorrow. It's hard for me to be up there. I should be sleeping but sleep won't come tonight.

Thanks again for being here.

Trace14 · Jan 08, 2018, 04:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Thank you, Trace.

He does come to see me. Unfortunately, he works nights and I'm up during the day, so we can't be together as often as we'd like.

I really am just feeling like my mind's gone twelve rounds with a block of cement. I'm going up to the mountains to take care of my mom tomorrow. It's hard for me to be up there. I should be sleeping but sleep won't come tonight.

Thanks again for being here.

Sometimes you just have to be thankful for the little things and time together. Try to get some rest, stay on your meds. I have faith in you.

MtnTime2896 · Jan 08, 2018, 05:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trace14

Sometimes you just have to be thankful for the little things and time together. Try to get some rest, stay on your meds. I have faith in you.

Thanks, Trace

Jan 08, 2018, 06:57 PM

Só leigheas,

I don't think you ramble.

You have a lot to contend with and are legitimately anxious about your mom and friend.

It is good for you to have a place you can talk about this. Don't feel bad about wanting to express your feelings. People at PC care and want to know how you are doing--even if it is bad news.

MtnTime2896 · Jan 08, 2018, 07:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

Só leigheas,

I don't think you ramble.

You have a lot to contend with and are legitimately anxious about your mom and friend.

It is good for you to have a place you can talk about this. Don't feel bad about wanting to express your feelings. People at PC care and want to know how you are doing--even if it is bad news.

Thanks, Hoping.

I just feel really lost right now. PC is pretty much the only place I feel safe to say anything. You and Trace and others like you are the reason behind the feeling of safety.