so upset ( triggers sa su graphic abuse triggers )

I Havent talked to my mother for over 7 months now i found out through flashbacks that my mother sexually abused me she dont know that i know this the flash backs makes me feel ashamed of myself and ashamed that she is my mother i am Transgender male and i see other peoples parent loving them for being them as they go through there transitions and being loved by there family my mother is toxic in other ways as well and am better off without her in my life my sister never talks to me and when she does she says unhelpful things and dont under stand my mental health at all my nieces and nephew are brilliant but because of the my mother i cant have contact with them things have been going bad since 31 of july it was my step dads birthday and my nieces birthday i lost my step dad to suicide 7 years ago on the 15th of September my mental health is that i see things and hear voices i have been seeing demons gouging there eyes out i took am overdoes and ended up in hospital over night a few days later my mental health got worse and i ended up going to the mental health team who told me to take extra meds the next day at 5 am i went out the house with just my pjs and boots on walked to the bus stop got on the bus and ended up at the bus station where someone got the police my husband i thought had a fight with me but i was seeing things he was in bed sleeping i was also seeing demons they where going to kill me so i ran out the house because of that and then went to the bus station the poilce took me to the mental health team and they talked to me and told me to try the meds instead of going in to hospital two days later i was at the beach with a friend and my husband went on the bus home and my mother was on the bus she said things that where upsetting and toxic i then got off the bus at the next stop and she stayed on the bus
she since sent me messages on my Facebook i didnt know friends of friends can contact me but then my husband blocked her today my mental health is worse i see snakes in peoples mouths and there is so many daemons around me i have taking my medication and i feel a bit upset but there not helping the crisis team saying am stressed at the moment they dont know about my mother as i dont want to say to them about the abuse but its nearly September the 15th and am not coping

I'm sorry you have not yet received any replies to this post. From what you wrote, it sounds as though you're having a very difficult time. Sadly I don't know as there is much of anything I can offer in the way of advice or suggestions. But I thought I would at least leave a short reply letting you know I read your post... & I wish you well.

I'm sorry you have to deal with all that. Parents can be so toxic...and they're supposed to love us??? I hope you can find support here.

What you are going through is so scary!!! You're so strong for fighting with all of this. It's especially difficult when your team and medication doesn't seem to help very much.
I know this will be challenging but I think it would help if you told your team about your mother. That way they'll be able to help you more.

I sincerely hope that you'll feel better soon. I do care.

I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time right now, and have been for awhile. I know that your medical team tries to help. You may have to end up trying several diffrent medications before the one is found that helps you. I understand how hard it is for you. You need to try to tell your team what is going on, so they can try other options. Unfortunately for me, the meds that may help me, I am way too sensitive to, and can't take any of them. I have a chemical inbalance, and can't take SSRI's. So I have to work on my issues, especially depression the hard way. We are all trying to help as much as we can, even your team. The biggest thing is that you need to try to be patient, bc your team will find the right combination for you, it just may take a little time. All of us want a quick fix, but there isn't any such thing. I am 53 years old, and have dealt with issues all my life. It isn't easy, but you have to try!!! Your other choice, isn't the answer. Please keep your mind open for other treatment, and Please don't give up!!!

The abuse you went through was not your fault, Astral, it says more about the people who abused you than about you

What you went through is not your fault. Big hugs sorry for all you had to go through you are never alone keep reaching out you deserve the support. I think it would help you team more if they knew about your mom they would be able to support you more.

Am too scared to tell them about my mum i dont want her to find out what i know now
she is very manipulative and toxic my nieces live with her she controls them
my sister is no longer talking to my mum too

They won't tell her if you tell them. They'll just help you manage your relationship better. You'll still be in charge.

I am sorry you are experiencing such a rough spell. Sounds quite scary... and definitely challenging.

Lots of good advice offered above by our friends here.

I hope you continue to work with your team in getting some much deserved relief.

Keep posting if it helps.

please take care, Astral.


WC

So sorry you are going through this, having hallucinations and delusions is hard. I sometimes have them too when my medications are not working right or when I have either skipped a dose or missed a dose accidentally. keep working with the mental health team. let them know what you are seeing and hearing. with your help they will be able to get your medications adjusted to a point where you wont be having these hallucinations and delusions again for a while until the next time your meds need work. thats the key with this kind of thing. there's no magic cure but it can be managed successfully with the team effort of you, and your treatment providers.

the flashbacks about your mom.... first suggestion is to take time to breath. theres something you may not know about flashback. they do not always have literal meaning. by that I mean they dont always tell us what exactly happened. I was having flashbacks about a relative. these were horrific abusive in all ways kind of flashbacks. When my treatment provider and I talked about them and we used the "evidence" (information) in them to figure them out, it was discovered this relative in fact never abused me in the ways that were in the flashback. The flashbacks turned out to be little snippets of my fears, thoughts, stress, emotions,that got all mish mashed together psychosis style to form flashbacks of events that never actually happened.

my point is take time to relax and investigate the flashbacks with a treatment provider. given that at the moment you are in high stress mode and you are having hallucinations and delusions of demons and snakes and other things, well that .......may or may not.......... point to whether or not this flashback you are having could also be like mine were... a mixture or your thoughts, emotions, fears.... instead of in the literal sense.

all I am saying is beware, flashbacks are not always reliable in telling us what happened is real or not, sometimes it can fool those of us who do have problems with psychosis (hallucinations/ delusions) into believing things that are not real.

I am sorry that you lost your step dad 7 years ago. one of my parents is gone too. every anniversary is hard by I have found a way to get through it. I have that day marked on my calendar (as if I needed it there to remind me right) its there to remind my family that a hard time is coming so they understand that week I may be moody and not in the best frames of mind. Helps them to understand me. I also plan something my wife and children and any other friends and relatives would like to do that my parent would have enjoyed for that day... a family picnic at a popular beach. every one who comes brings a dish that was my parents favorite foods. my parent was quite a jokester so you can imagine some of the foods have some prankish addition to them. We sit around doing things he loved ... swimming, teaching the younger children how to fish, and just trying to tell the wildest stories we can think of. the turn out result is everyone understands why we are there... to honor this persons .........life............... not be stuck in wallowing alone in his death.

my suggestion is yes its depressing that your step dad is gone. how and what would your step dad want you to be doing on his special day, he chose that day of all days to leave this world for the next one for a reason. for some reason that day was significant to him.

Im not saying dont feel what you are feeling. Never bury those feelings, Im saying you have a choice. you can let this keep dragging you down year after year after year or you can turn it around and make his life and death count for something. you like that age old question 'when i die I want people to remember me as....." His death took 7 years of your life, what will his life and what he stood for, do for you and your family in the years to come?

theres no forgetting when a parent chooses suicide, just like there's no forgetting whether you choose suicide or not. thats what people will remember, Some will be stuck in anger some will be stuck in depression but others will be making that life count for something....

One of my parents will forever be remembered as he committed suicide but now thats not going to be the one and only thing that his family and friends will remember him as...

they will also remember him as a fun loving father, grandfather, great grandfather, veteran, what he stood for in life and how he dealt with life. this parent of mine is physically gone but gosh dang what a legacy that will live on thanks to all of us that remember and honor him and his life on his special day that he chose himself as the day to move on to the next world.

Feel better soon ((((((Astral))))))