[Carmina]

So I joined a mindfulness group, partly because I felt a need to try and 'let go' more (I'm super aware and mindful of everything but it all gets evaluated for threat level - no acceptance or self compassion), but also because I don't socialise and wanted to experience being in a group of like minded people. Finding it hard though. Last week I got upset because someone walked out upset themselves and I immediately started worrying about them and what I could do to make things better (and even whether I'd done something wrong) and at the same time worrying that she might hurt herself and it took me straight back to childhood and suicidal mum. I ended up leaving myself in tears.

But there's also a woman in the group I really like, she's funny and playful and has a lovely smile and we seem to have a lot in common but I just can't untangle my feelings from my fears. I would love tell her I think she's beautiful but don't want to potentially upset her or mess up her positive experience of the group, my thoughts are all based on 'she's never going to be really interested in me'. And then today she turned away from me at the start of the group and suddenly I felt she really doesn't like me and how can I blame her, then she talked to me later and I'm back in 'she's so lovely' mode. It's exhausting!

I'm just not fit to be in relationships (so why do I feel so lonely?)

[Thirty shades]

Originally Posted by Carmina

So I joined a mindfulness group, partly because I felt a need to try and 'let go' more (I'm super aware and mindful of everything but it all gets evaluated for threat level - no acceptance or self compassion), but also because I don't socialise and wanted to experience being in a group of like minded people. Finding it hard though. Last week I got upset because someone walked out upset themselves and I immediately started worrying about them and what I could do to make things better (and even whether I'd done something wrong) and at the same time worrying that she might hurt herself and it took me straight back to childhood and suicidal mum. I ended up leaving myself in tears.

But there's also a woman in the group I really like, she's funny and playful and has a lovely smile and we seem to have a lot in common but I just can't untangle my feelings from my fears. I would love tell her I think she's beautiful but don't want to potentially upset her or mess up her positive experience of the group, my thoughts are all based on 'she's never going to be really interested in me'. And then today she turned away from me at the start of the group and suddenly I felt she really doesn't like me and how can I blame her, then she talked to me later and I'm back in 'she's so lovely' mode. It's exhausting!

I'm just not fit to be in relationships (so why do I feel so lonely?)

It is exhausting to date. It's a mine field out there. Games and what to do and not.

Surely it should be as easy as chatting to and getting to know someone and seeing if you like each and are well matched.

Perhaps make friends and be aware that you only want someone who is right for you. If someone is not interested back, then they are not the one.

[Carmina]

Oh I'm not even close to dating, not if I can't even get past worrying if someone hates me just because they turn away.

[Open Eyes]

Last week I got upset because someone walked out upset themselves and I immediately started worrying about them and what I could do to make things better (and even whether I'd done something wrong) and at the same time worrying that she might hurt herself and it took me straight back to childhood and suicidal mum. I ended up leaving myself in tears.

This is an important piece of your deep inner challenge and it's good that you were able to talk about this. This behavior your mother displayed is not something any young child can understand and often can feel like it's their fault too.