[MuddyBoots]

When I read The Body Keeps the Score, one phrase stood out to me and that is "the compulsion to repeat."

I don't know if something triggered me or what (fear of abandonment and perceiving signs of future abandonment by my favorite person. Yeah, I'm diagnosed with BPD but I've been told it could be CPTSD too by an IP doc who said I have too much oomph to have BPD and because I tell her I don't like being IP but that's kind of a lie. I do put myself in crisis states and say and do cshcit because it's like constant validation and when I was consistently going to the same IP unit some of the staff became like the validating mom I never had, but I got banned from there when they realized some times I needed state hospital but went voluntarily so I didn't have to eat wet bread).

That was a long parenthetical

But I am freefalling to rock bottom, maybe, I don't know, I've always considered rock bottom death, but lately I've been thinking I'm going to live forever. Who the hell survives a 4.6 lithium level? Or anemia+"dangerously" low electrolytes+bacterial infection+Mallory Weiss tear at the same time after three weeks of dissociation that, based on how my body looked, involved quite a bit o IV drug use.?

so I guess I'm just rambling about how a lot of my life is dedicated to repeating abuse and abandonment from long time ago. I did have a period I was behaving myself and not putting myself in similar situations, but that was like late high school and I was depressed and psychotic and just kina went to school and hid in the bathroom and came home and hid under the bed.

Possible trigger:

I'm a little curious about if Im going to remember more stuff from my impulsive *** trips to WV (couple months ago with the dissociation part I mentioned earlier) and all around New England (last some days) and stuff I did in past manic and/or prolonged dissociative episodes. I think I was beat tf up recently but I only remember being elbowed in the face. I kinda felt pain and scared, but I was kinda enjoying it like when you are on a ridiculously intense rollercoaster and the operator or attendant didn't properly check your restraints or you're speeding on the highway. It's not a GOOD feeling, but it's something.

[cptsdvictim]

Reliving the trauma may be something one pursues as that that's what is familiar. Sometimes, feeling something, even pain, can release opioids which gives a sense of pleasure.

How's EMDR going?