cptsdvictim's journal

My advice: turn off notifications (completely) and be mindful when you open an app (there should be a healthy intent).

Disclaimer: watch Kati Morton's channel (if you choose to) with a grain of salt. Just going with "find a therapist with whom you click" can leave you retraumatized. If you do choose to pursue therapy, make sure you're doing it with a therapist specialized in treating trauma. Ideally, trained in NARM psychotherapy which has a dedicated protocol for dealing with countertransference.

So, last night at around 10:30pm I vomited once again due to abdominal pain. Didn't eat spicy. Definitely have to check with my doctor to pursue an analysis. It's either because I get infected with a virus due to the plastic water bottle I've been using for years and which I don't wash (especially when it gets warm here) or I've gastritis or some other condition. Will talk to my GP next week when I'll get the appointment.

Feeling good now and doesn't seem I'll have the same problem again tonight. Keeping fingers crossed.

Watched



Good strategies. I wouldn't do therapy with her, however (she's unable to remain embodied [the brain fog due to dissociation due to unprocessed trauma]), though her videos are informative.

Morning. Besides annoying roommate complaints regarding the shower and bathroom floor, I managed to get some work done this morning, and, surprisingly code just works as I've first initially written it. Granted I've done some minor modifications, it works. Still A LOT left to implement and as I'm going deeper and deeper into functionality so much more work to be done surfaces. Good thing I've already have most of the things tracked.

Today's gonna be a relaxing day. Will hopefully finish up a few things, brainstorm if I'm leaving something out and review my changes. Tomorrow I'll review for the last time and then, most probably, merge. Which would be awesome. Means I've finished in a week the first iteration over this issue. Yesterday evening I even got to review some policy updates.

Now, relaxing time: continuing to watch Alcaraz-Sinner match. For an hour before officially starting my day.

Had my breakfast and when I approached my bed to take the bottle of water to fill it up, I got approached by the bully roommate offering me COVID tests. I refused and then he continued (red flag) saying something along the lines of "you may need them, you never know" to which I said: "I'm not looking for a friendship". At that point he turned verbally violent telling me to "not f***ing be smart about it" to which I said "and I already told you no". He then said "I'm not looking for a friendship" to which I replied "ok, cool". Conversation ended there with him shortly afterwards having exclaimed "Jesus Christ".

Why is it that I've to deal with miserable people in my life?

Reported him to the shelter staff. Fingers crossed. But I already see the reply from the manager: "you've got to get along with people". Read that as: you've to put up with abuse.

Of course, I recorded my conversation with the shelter staff. If the issue persists, I'll start recording the roommate and then take action legally. I don't have to put up with bullies.

Today I managed to get rest of the functionality and tests implemented. I also ran final tests on the code I wrote. Everything works as expected. With a small exception that I'll try to solve tomorrow morning. They didn't have soup at the vegan restaurant so I went to a vegetarian restaurant I stopped going a while ago because of how the owner treated me. This evening he was not there. Yay. The food was good. Also, since it happened last time, no abdominal pain and vomiting. Fingers crossed. This rules out the water. And I don't think it was the food either. Must be gastritis.

Came back to the shelter and as I was undressing the shelter staff knocked on the door and came into my room. Basically they acknowledged the problem (manager will talk to the bully) and when I confronted the shelter staff about COVID tests he agreed with me (that it's out of place). However, they also emphasized that I've to get along with my roommate for keeping an acceptable atmosphere in the shelter. I emphasized that I'm open to cooperation and reiterated on the examples I gave (that I'll wipe the floor after showering due to leftover water and that I'll rinse it so no shampoo foam is left behind). Shelter staff seemed happy.

In a C-PTSD combative world I would have had my own room and wouldn't have had to put up with this. Even better, I would've been housed. Alas we live in a world that is systematically oppressive. Especially if you're not neurotypical. Got to do what I can with what I've where I am.

It's amazing he's got all the energy given his childhood trauma. I have zero and am just white knuckling it every day.

Since yesterday, I've been all alone in the room. What the shelter staff told me (that the bully roommate will return on Tuesday) seems to be true and matches past behavior. Great to be alone.

That said, I worked for an hour on my project and glad to say I've fixed my bug. I also made the code error safe (though it should never be the case that it's needed).

There's still more work to be done and I don't think I'll get to review and merge the changes today. Most likely it will happen next week. Which is ok as the sprint is two weeks and I take only one such big issue per sprint, though it wouldn't have hurt to finish earlier and leave more time for another issue. Still, I'll still most probably finish this one earlier. Will probably squeeze some easy issues/bug fixes for the remainder of the sprint.

On Tuesday I'll see my doctor on my quarterly visits to get my anti psychotic prescription. I'll then schedule an appointment with my GP to send the prescription to a pharmacy. I'll bring up with him my digestive system issues and my right knee pain.

💜

I think something happened to my mother as all of the sudden people on her side of the family started reacting to my Facebook profile photo and a cousin(?) added me as friend. Is she dead? By suicide or something happened to her?

Well, no messages from them thus far. My co-nationals aren't of the resilient type (can't be after half a century of communism) so I'm not surprised they didn't say anything.

Searched for any news in the local press regarding keyword "woman" in my neighborhood but no results.

Oh, well. It'll be a mystery.

Found news of a woman having drowned at the beach. They say she was around 60 something years old. The age of my mother. Could it be this is her?

Or could it be they found out my father died a while ago and now they're showing empathy?

Today was a good day. Got some stuff done. Next week I'll finish writing tests. Then review and then hopefully merge. Tonight's Chana Masala was accompanied by a lot of green chilli. Probably the chef felt in the mood of giving. Man, that was a lot of green chilli. Though, I liked it. Even though it bordered on the level of insanity the amount of spiciness. Still liked it. 😂

Relax for the rest of the evening and tomorrow.

But sir, if Mary lived in a black & white reality, she wouldn't have cones and rhodes that process light frequencies other than black and white. 🤭

Man, I feel for the parent who didn't take a vacation in ten years due to cost of living and having children.