[drharleenquinzel]

I have mood swings that are incredibly wishy-washy and I don't understand if it's ME or exterior influences alone. (I'm not looking for answers here, btw. just need a ranty)

I get angry on a near daily basis, crushingly depressed several times a week and overwhelmingly sad a few times a month.
It's difficult to tell if it's all situational/environmental or even if it is partially only in my head, is it because of my hypothyroid or a condition unto itself?

It's all so aggravating because I'm not in counseling and I don't know if my insurance would cover it anyway. Plus, it's like OH GOD WHAT NOW? ANOTHER DISEASE TO MANAGE because I was born with a congenital heart defect and recently developed hypothyroid. Least to say, I see doctors A LOT.

I was in therapy many years ago, for five years, but I outgrew it (for the time) and grew to dislike my therapist. I know all therapists are different, though. I'm not judging the whole profession. When I was in college I had a sweet, pretty rockin' therapist that I got to see for free because it came with students. I'm not a student anymore though, but I'm tempted to sign up for some BS class just for the free counseling >.<

My anger is usually directed at my S/O and my mother, both whom I live with. I have never left home (outside of vacations). I hate it so much and as a result I've come to feel as much resentment as I do gratitude for all of the support my mom has given to me. She's incredible and incredibly frustrating at the same time. She has similar psychological issues of flip-flopping mood swings, grudges and mountains-over-molehill anger but she will never, ever see anyone for it. She also turns every single conversation to herself, so talking about it as mature adults is never on my terms but on hers when she finally reaches that point. I actually had to work very hard, over a number of years, to not get as nutjob angry as she gets and learn to not say things out of spite. It gets harder with each passing year living with her to do such but sometimes I manage.

I love my boyfriend so much, and yes a relationship is work and we're in a tight situation of mutual lack of reliable income at the moment (he job hunts online and on foot and he attends specialty classes 3x a week so he's not a total bum ) but the well of anger I feel sometimes is just so frightening for me that I have to leave or advise him to go to the gym just so I don't wind up yelling at him.

Being so moody all of the time is just...well, it's exhausting! It's such a challenge to get any work done, however little there may be of it, and I just don't know wtf is up with me. Y'know?

/end rant
/warm fuzzy bear hugs for reading.

[sugahorse1]

Off the top of my head I would suggest a complete psychiatric evaluation - get to the bottom of what is causing all these mood swings. This will allow you to understand things better, and if necessary learn that meds or therapy may be necessary

Hello, drharleenquinzel. I wish you well.

[momoko]

Instead of putting yourself down for your problems seek out the help you need to resolve them. I've spent so much time blaming myself for my mental health and how it has "ruined" my life and my relationships when I know I should have just gotten the support I needed because there are some things you sincerely cannot do on your own no matter how scary it is to depend on someone else to help you.
Money can be a problem but maybe there is a free women's counseling clinic or something like that in your area. At least do some research in order to receive some therapeutic support because you should not just let yourself feel this way if there is a way to feel better. It doesn't hurt to try.

[drharleenquinzel]

momoko - thank you, I needed to "hear" that