Feeling guilty I might have moved too fast?

Hi,

I'm having a hard time figuring out what I'm feeling...

So heres my story:

I joined a theatre group and was very specific about what I wanted out of it when I spoke to the person who leads it. I spoke to two leaders and told them I'd only be able to do it for 3-4 months, would it be possible to get stage exposure in that much time? and they assured me, they'd put me on the stage right away...

Well its been 2 months, in between I took a break for 2 weeks I was sick but I haven't gotten ANYWHERE with this group, forget about getting onto stage.

All we do is sit in a group and read the script from 4 pm to 9 pm. We do some voice exercises and physical exercise and then we sit and read the script by one line in a group of 20 people... who are all beginners. I'm somewhat intermediate, I want to get some experience.

This is what makes me angry:
The leader promised me something he's failing to deliver.
The group is extremely cult-ish. The first few days i felt something wasnt right, I started researching cults online and I found out they meet 9 out of 10 characteristics of a cult: you're supposed to follow the leader "blindly", never betray the "guru", don't sit on the "guru's" chair.. btw this is a group in INDIA.

There's no planning. They decide to do a street play or a play like 3 days before and are like, OK everyone has to be here, even if you're not in the play..

This time, they put me in the chorus AGAIN and I told him I had some work that day so i can't make it.
The night before, during rehearsal, I get a text "URGENT, where are you? show tomorrow..."
And i told him, I can't make it i've got some urgent work to attend.
and he says "BUT its a show, OUR FIRST PRIORITY".

Okay yes it would be if I were actually in the play and actually doing what I had asked would be possible to do if i join. But that's not the case. I feel deceived and cheated.

I didn't respond. I got 8 more texts from other people in the group and from the leader as well that night and the following morning. I didn't bother responding because my therapist told me you dont have to tell others more than once what you want or will be doing... you shouldn't have to explain over and over again.

So then I just wrote back to him the next morning saying that my goals are more important and i'd like to have membership fees back but you may keep your monthly rent if possible.. and i didn't receive a response. frankly i dont care if i do get a response or not.

But what I don't understand is WHY AM I FEELING anxious and sad??
I do miss some of the people there.. but then I'm not getting what i came for...

What am i feeling? i'm getting this confused guilty/anxious feelings and many others.. having trouble figuring it out???

Distressed2010 ...

If you felt instinctively (i.e. "in your gut") that something was amiss with regard to the general makeup of the group and their reasons for indeed being a "group" or "theatrical group" or whatever they may view / label themselves as, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING by stepping away from them.

Why should something which you *thought* was a genuine artistic endeavour, be such a source of discomfort or despair to you? You owe it to yourself to look out for YOUR well-being.

Do what interests YOU and in doing so, you'll feel more gratification knowing that you've remained true to yourself.

Take care,

-vertebrae-

Hi D2010,

From what you wrote, it sounds to me like you are feeling angry, hurt, disappointed. These emotions are all totally valid.

Still, you must remember back to how this group didn't feel right to you even in the beginning. You gave it more time, you were patient, you gave it a good solid try. It is natural to feel disappointed that it didn't work out. I know how important it has been for you to have something outside of home. You said you had made a few friends there? Is it possible to contact one or two to meet for coffee? Also, I urge you to look around for another group. It is natural to feel sad and angry, but I hope it won't prevent you from trying again. This is the key... Don't give up. Keep trying, keep looking, never stop seeking to do that which you enjoy. Sometimes it takes three tries, sometimes four or five.

Elana

THanks for the wonderful replies guys!

I "was" feeling guilty about leaving but then read your replies and am not anymore

But i think what i'm feeling guilty about is also that I sent him that text saying i was disappointed. I don't know why I just feel bad. I feel like i burnt a bridge or that he's gonna badmouth me now because i've seen him do it to others. Whomever he doesn't want you to be around, he'll just badmouth them and psychologically pull you away from them..
Everyone always thought of me as sweet and innocent there and now I feel like I'm gonna be hated there but why does that bother me?

Also, I did see another theatre group today, but when I went there I was sort of disappointed. The previous one (lets call it the cult group)... was a little more maintained as in it was a lot cleaner and seemed more happy...
this one was in a shabby place, not very clean and looked awfully sad with just one light hanging on the roof.. but why is all this making me sad?

Maybe after i got angry leaving the cult group, I made it a goal to find a better one and got disappointed when this new one didn't turn out to be better?

Good for you for going back out there and trying this new group.
I am very affected by my environment, so I can relate to your feelings about the location. But, how did you like the people in the group? Was there anything about it you did like? When I first went to see my new therapist I did not like her office. My old therapist was in a nice clean, comfortable home and this new one was in a run-down part of town, in a cramped and worn out office. But after going back a few times it grew on me. Maybe you might want to investigate by going once or twice more?

Distressed2010 ...

Glad that you are feeling a bit better about your decision.

Just to clarify for my understanding, you are based out of India, correct? If so, I don't really know much about the theatrical "scene" there other than the huge "Bollywood" film industry. Plus, I've been to India many, many years ago as a kid, so I know how popular the cinema is in Indo-Asian culture.

Would being involved in Bollywood-associated theater / film be of interest to you? Or are you looking for something slightly less entertainment industry based such as local community theaters, etc.?

Also, your feeling disappointed about your other investigation into the second theatrical group, in comparison to the "cultish" group, is to be expected. Totally normal. Don't worry yourself over it ... what counts is your self-worth, and from what you previously wrote, it sounds like they didn't care too much about you other than your dues and being sort of a number / body present for their use. Forget 'em.

Once again, my lack of knowledge based upon where you are located in India, or how much experience you may have with regard to the performing arts, or your age and personal goals, limits me in trying to suggest possible alternatives for you. I'd think that a local school may have some possiblities (i.e. they may have a high school performing arts class), or a local college / advanced learning school may provide some imput to you with regard to "networking" your interests / talents.

Sort of akin to seeking a job. You have to both know what suits your interests, and how to "sell" yourself and your unique abilities. The catch is knowing what the other person / company / group is looking for as well. That way, you can adapt your "selling points" to what they are interested in. Not in a misleading manner, but sort of putting a spotlight upon what your strengths are rather than what you may be lacking (but are willing to improve upon).

OK, gonna scoot here. Stay well and I do hope that you continue foward in your quest.

Peace,

-vertebrae-

haha! thanks for the cartoon vertebrae!

Well, here's my story. I always wanted to be an actor, specifically bollywood because I love love love dancing and doing those romantic sequences

My dad always wanted me NOT to be an actor because he felt I wouldn't make it.. not because i don't have the skills but because he's a strong believer of luck and somehow he felt I didn't have luck... he always wanted me to be a doctor. I didn't.

For years I struggled with my parents dream and thought it was mine and went to school for premed.. but then I got lost. I changed majors a lot, at the same time suppressing my desire to be on the screen. Went to grad school, got my masters in something else, still not happy and still having this calling. I was 26 when I called my parents and told 'em I'm gonna try acting whether I make it or not, atleast I'll have the satisfaction of knowing that I tried...

Then studied method acting for a small time while I was in US. I'm indian but I've spent most of my life in US.

Now, I've moved to India and want to try bollywood.. frankly I don't mind if its bollywood or hollywood now but I just thought of trying bollywood first somehow because i felt i had an advantage here dont ask me why... But I know I'll want to try hollywood some day as well

don't know if i'm being overambitious or overoptimistic but thats what i want.

I came to do community theatre here in india because first, its in hindi and secondly i wanted some theatre experience that I never got in college or high school because every time i told my parents "okay i am gonna take drama in school" they totally got me against it and brainwashed me and then i'd be back at school, sad, but studying...

So, thats my story

Was your visit to India a vacational thing? are you indian?

Distressed2010 ...

Give me a couple here to get back with you ... kind of tied up right now with another immediate issue here on the Forums that requires my attention.

Will respond.

See ya,

-vertebrae-

Oh ... almost forgot, you can see a pic of me over on my profile page here.

I am "Indian" only in respect to having walked on Indian soil. Which doesn't really make any sense, but no, I am Caucasian with a bit of knowledge of the world thrown in for good measure and sprinkled with a bit of innate curiosity for flavouring.

Kind of like a mish-mash of vegetarian stew. (I am a vegetarian, so I can relate to typical Indian culinary dishes ... though my access to them where I live, is in fact, nonexistent other that what can be obtained off of the grocery store's shelves).