[alwaysupanddown]

I have no more ideas on how to control my rage episodes... I have mild/sever bipolar and sometimes I can identify when I am starting or am in the middle of a rage episode but there are other times when I don't see it at all. During the times that I notice that I am going into or am in a rage I still can't stop myself. My whole body feels so tense like I am about to explode and I can yell and scream with no effects and I have an urge to either beat or cut the tension out of myself before I can feel calm again. ( I have a problem with self mutilation) Even when I do calm down I feel anxious because I know that it is not normal to be that way and I feel bad for my boyfriend and our roommate who have to deal with this on a daily basis because they are not bipolar and do not fully understand it or are they used to having to deal with such kind of issues. I know that my behavior destroys relationships because it has with family, friends and other significant relationships and I am very lucky to have found the man that I am with now because even though he doesn't understand completely and it hurts him how I can flip like a "light switch" he still loves me completely and tries to get me to understand that he is always here for me. I have tried counseling and medications to help with my issues but I feel uncomfortable because I don't feel like they truly understand and they may be judging me and with the medications I haven't found the one(s) that work for me... I tend to feel more suicidal and depressed on them. I want to control my moods and episodes so that I can live at least a little more normal or at least a little more happier for me and the ones in my life but I have no more ideas so maybe someone out there who is dealing with the same type of issues or feelings may have some ideas or coping skills that may be helpful to me that I haven't thought of or tried.... If there are any please let me know... anything could help.