[Yoda]

This turned out longer than I intended... sorry.

Sometimes it happens that I have an appt scheduled for myself or my son and I cancel the same day I am supposed to be there. I lie to cover the truth which is I feel so overwhelmed that I cannot manage to take a shower or even get out of my pajamas to real clothes.

In the summer of 2010 my grandmother died and my son and I went to the viewing the evening before her funeral but the next day her funeral was at 11am and I could not make myself get out of bed. I missed out on seeing some relatives from out of town because they went to my mom's house for lunch after the funeral.

Friday, two days ago, my aunt (my favorite aunt) died and I was on the road travelling to the school of dentistry for my appointment. My dad called my son and home and my son called my cell and I proceeded with the appointment because it was part of my student's board exams that he needed to graduate this spring. So everything was fine Friday and Saturday. I got home late Saturday and called dad to get detail of the funeral plans. My cousin owns the funeral home and he already had two funerals scheduled Monday so he had to delay my aunt's funeral until Tue. That was good for me since I had been travelling and my son and I would have to drive two hours to the funeral home.

So today (Sunday) I woke up and didn't want to get out of bed even though I woke up at 6am. I stayed in bed until 2pm and then started looking for clothes that my son and I could wear to a funeral. I found a skirt and sweater and my boots and I found a pair of nice pants and a shirt for my son. I figured we would wear the same outfit both days. I could not find my son's belt and shoes. So I asked him if he would like to go down town to Macy's later today and get a belt and some dinner. He agreed and I went back to bed. Neither he nor I really wanted to go so we didn't. I stayed in bed all day until about 8pm when I finally went to the Burger King drive through still in my pajamas and brought home burgers for my me and my son.

So tomorrow is Monday and the viewing is from 4-8pm. I still need to buy my son some shoes and a belt. I also need to go to the florist and buy a flower arrangement. I looked at FTD online and there was nothing in my price range.

I know that when tomorrow arrives I will still want to stay in bed. My son doesn't really want to go but he said he would go because he knew if he didn't my dad would judge me for it. He is right. Part of me wants to go to the funeral because it is something I want to do but my dad, his wife, my aunt's family, all of them will expect for me to be there. Somehow when I am expected to be present I find it so hard to simply get out of bed. My energy just goes.

I even had my son feed my horse tonight because it was too hard to get out of bed even for my beloved horse.

Any suggestions on how to get out of bed and do simple tasks when I am overwhelmed and just want to hide under the covers?

It sounds like a pretty common form of rebellion. I once knew a man who would not change his socks, until they rotted off his feet, simply because changing socks was expected of him. Once he overcame the resistance and started changing his socks, he kept up with it, but he had to jump that hurdle of "don't tell me what to do" first.

There is the story of a young college student who had the scruffiest, ugliest beard on campus. Every day people would tell him it looked disgusting, and that he should shave it off, but he stubbornly refused. Suddenly he showed up for classes completely clean-shaven, not a whisker in sight. Everyone complimented him on how good he looked, and someone asked what made him finally shave off that ugly beard. "I did it," said the young man, "because yesterday nobody told me to."

And I remember, growing up in a fairly large family with only one bathroom, how I used to stay in there longer, the more my siblings pounded on the door and told me to hurry up. I was finished. I just stayed in there out of spite. The same principle contributed, I'm sure, to my sleep disorder. The more I heard, "You're going to sleep your life away," or "It's about time you got up," or " Omigosh, she's AWAKE!" the longer I stayed in bed. Mostly because I didn't want to come out of my room and be confronted with the sarcasm.

In addition, I hate being told what I already know, or asked to do a chore I was just on my way to do. I used to respond with, "Well, I was going to do that, but since you told me to, now I won't." I realize this is not the healthiest way to respond, but it is quite common. In the book "Feeling Good: the New Mood Therapy," Dr. David Burns suggests, "Yes, mother, I have in fact decided to get out of bed in spite of the fact that you keep telling me to."

If I have a suggestion, easier to say than to do, it would be: Keep reminding yourself that you are CHOOSING to do what *you feel* needs to be done. You're not doing it because they expect it, but because you yourself made the decision.

[tattoogirl33]

I do the exact same thing, and on a regular basis!! I don't know what else to say...

[lastyearisblank]

(((Yoda)))) this is grief. It takes time. My thoughts are with you.