I don't even know what this is

I have Asperger's, and I believe that is what causes me to be so terrible at reconizing my emotions. Besides, I'm usually so detached from reality I don't feel anything really at all. Right now I'm feeling really odd. It's like overwhelming anger, deep depression and joy all wrapped into one. My stomach feels naseous and screwy. It's giving me panic attacks, because I can't identify it and I'm afraid I'll do something stupid because of it. No, I'm not PMSing btw.

Too late to prevent stupid things I might do.

My exboyfriend (who I have broken up with twice now but is still my good friend) came over to hang out today. For the past few months we've only communicated through text. I have NO idea what came over me as we were walking together, but all of a sudden the words "Can I hold your hand?" fell out of my mouth. He was cool with it, since apparently he's "loved" me since he met me 3 years ago. Even knowing all my problems, he still likes me.

Anyway, I think I was just curious to feel what is was like to hold someone's hand since I've never done so with anyone outside my family. It was... weird. I felt surprisingly calm and relaxed with him having his fingers all entwined with mine as we walked around under a starry sky. Kinda uncomforable since he's so tall, but I felt so safe and funny. I kinda had the urge to kiss him, which I fought.

I HATE IT. This stupid feeling makes me feel like I'm gonna puke. It's so weird and horrible! I don't have the skills to hold a relationship anyway, as obvious by my constant dumping of him. And physical/eye contact is just so awkward! I have no idea what came over me. I want it freaking gone.

I don't know what I'm feeling, but I'm terrified my mind is tricking me into thinking I'm feeling something I'm not. Everytime this happens, I get over it in a week. Still, he probably already got the wrong message when I was holding his hand and gave him that hug or two before he went home.

At least he's so understanding. That or he's the biggest idiot I ever met.

This is more of a rant, but any advice is nice. I'm sick of feeling so sick.

From what you've described in your other recent posts, you do have a lot of stuff going on in your life so... why couldn't you be experiencing all three at once?

---------- Entering Fool Zero's fantasy ----------
Please watch your step.

What you're manifesting could very well be a healthy response to finding yourself stuck in a crazy and abusive situation.

---------- Leaving Fool Zero's fantasy ----------
Please watch your step.

My guess would be that you noticed you felt like holding his hand and went ahead and told him so. Stranger things have happened.
You feel more than one way -- about him, yourself, and what you're doing together. Again, utterly normal and healthy, and you seem to be sorting through your feelings more honestly and straightforwardly than a lot of people do. It'll often be uncomfortable for you but the more willing you are to allow yourself to feel uncomfortable whenever you do, for however long you do, the faster and more gracefully you'll move on through it.
Good observation. You're going to feel whatever you feel and yes, you're also going to make up stories about what it means. The trick, if there is one, is to just keep noticing whatever you're aware of including how you feel -- and whenever you notice yourself making up a story about it, don't believe the story. Some people call that mindfulness, some call it Zen, but you don't have to call it anything at all unless you want to.
My guess would be that he first got pretty much the same message that you sent. What he did with the message after he got it, neither you nor I have any way of knowing until he tells us.
...neither of which is, strictly speaking, a bad thing Click on the picture if you want, for a little more about that:

I second everything Fool Zero said!

Whoa now, I sent a message? What message did I send?

I wasn't there but I imagine it was pretty much what you just described: that you felt like holding hands, it was a surprise to you, you were wondering what it was about... etc. "He was cool with it" says to me that he got at least some sense of where you were coming from.

I just asked if I could hold his hand, and he was all "I'd love too" in that voice he uses to say "I miss you". He already knows I'm not sure if I'm into him. I got WAY too much stuff going on right now. I'm not even posting half of it because I feel like I'm spamming this website.

I feel "better" now. I just sobbed half my heart out (metaphoically) and had some banana Laffy Taffy, two things I haven't done in so long. Maybe I'm just too tired to feel anything. We got into a fight, thanks to me and my stupid ego and my stupid Asperger's and my stupid everything.

Please excuse me while I get the other half done...

Hang in there GammaGeek!