What do I tell me?

May 04, 2011, 12:47 PM

Questions inside....no answers.Flying back to Cali on 5/7.Riddled with anxiety.I feel doomed.Because I may never find contentedness in my skin.May never find what's missing.May ....will....encounter things,once there which erode at the core of my being.Aloneness.I'm always alone.Alone in a room full of people.Alone in my head.Alone in the potential of my most intimate possibilities.Alone in my thought patterns......just alone.I keep scampering around asking me,what do you want? Where do you want to be?Why do you behave as if you are the only human who is dissatisfied.We are all dissatisfied.Can't you 'suck it up' and create a design to pretend....eventually adopt ....feelings that it is ok?Self,self,self,self.......me,me,me.....Thinking of how I cringe at home.How my son can show up at any moment only to refuse to allow me to keep him safe.The people in the area making me nervous about even going outside.I dunno how to begin to orchestrate a life I'd be content with.So,I imagine I need to orchestrate a mindset where I can accept anything at all that may pop up....and a way to handle it with resignation.But,I need to be able to smile,so I don't get alot of questions....how do you fake a smile.Because my mood affects people.My facial expressions are transparent.My withdrawal is overt.My fear is palpable in public.It all draws so much attention.I just think I have so much potential to be so much more.Yet,I can't create it.I need to 'join' it.idk....just bouncing my head off the wall...ranting.