I can't sleep

I have been getting like 3 hours here,and 1 1/2 hours there.I have a fear of sleeping at night,and mostly on weekends.Honestly I didn't have trouble sleeping until I got back here I don't think.When I do sleep,I have nightmares that seem to have undertones of abandonment.Sometimes,it's about my boys when they were growing up.About the million ways that husband abandoned them,if you only knew.I shudder to think of what the long term consequences will be from the stains on them.I fought every inch of the way for each one of my boys.But,it seemed that the more I said anything,the more pissed he'd get.He never said stuff to them around me either.I talked to my oldest and found out a ton of stuff I was oblivious to.I can't believe how freaking blind I was.I mean I am seriously blond about 'getting it'.I failed to protect them.I did see some of it,and I was like a mother bear.But,after a while you learn that opening your mouth just creates more wounds.By the time my oldest,Stevin,was 11,it was just damage control.I'd whisper to them ,so he couldn't hear me ,telling them not to do this or that.But Stevin was severely ADHD,and he had a horrid time with self-control,and he metabolized his meds rapidly,so that like,dexedrine (time released) had a short life in his system. Of course,so did rittalin. Russell ,and all the sh?t he did to him too even after the dx for schizophrenia.Of course Stevin got blamed for that too.He made him sleep out side,he never scurried to find help for his son,or to research his illness.Said he was faking it.Till it was obvious he wasn't faking.Then he blamed it on drugs,and on Stevin.But it was neither.And plus,he never even believed Russ had schiz.So much time spent just trying to keep him off my boys and calling the police.Even the time when I was on the cell with Stevin,and heard him pursuing them on the streets running traffic lights and ripped him out of the car and beat him.I was on the phone when that happened.But he always made the cops think the boys were Aholes and that he was right.I'm not going there.Never seen him stand up to an adult.Only to me,the boys and my animals.The freebies that don't tell.I ramble alot if I don't sleep.It's not fair,he gave my car to son (which I really am happy about) traded my vw bug in for a honda that recharges,and drives my mums truck too.It's a beautiful double cab short bed ford,with leather seats,white.I'm not making sense.I need to get out of this house.I can't keep doing this.I want to take a few classes,and go to events,and set up in some public places now and then to paint....away from people of course.Maybe get a gym membership.The thought excites me and makes me want to live.But,being here squashes it,and I lay in bed,and try to dodge things that happen here.The contrast is so stark being in this house.Like shadows of soul stealing ghosts inundate my being and leave me hopeless.I self -medicate.Trying to make my head shut the F up lol.It works,but,I want to refuse to be as my mother was.I want to refuse to lay down and die.To not further my education and my inner healing and my self esteem and my health and have my end be as it was for her.I just think though that the 'energy' of what is in my environment is a huge barrier.Anyways,just needing to vent as I have had noone to speak to.I used to talk to my mum.BTW,her bday was May 13th.Happy Bday mum!Tell Norman hello for me! and Gramma too hug hug hug

((wolfsong)) - so sorry you're having a hard time and unable to get a good sleep. Wondering if this mind trick would help - imagine you put all your worries in a locked box and put it high on a shelf. This represents you're not going to worry about anything when you lay in bed. When you're laying down, do some slow deep breathing exercises and with every exhale, relax another body part. Imagine you're melting into the matress.

I know once a mother, always a mother...no matter how old they get -right? Try not to worry about the past or mistakes made - you did the best and are doing all you're capable of. I hope tonight will be a better nights sleep.

Thank you Lynn,you are always so good to me,and I want you to know I really appreciate that alot.I will try to do the relaxing part.Thank you.

I slept in my camper and got alot of sleep last night.Like 6 1/2 hours.Man it was cold.What's up with this weather?It's 59* in the house,and 42* outside.The camper was like that or less.And it is May 16th?And I am in a desert? My computer wouldn't work yesterday for most of the day.That sucked.Well,at least I won't be all manic today because I was able to rest.And I ate yesterday so I will have a smoother time thinking today I think.

That's good you had a nice sleep ((wolfsong)). Maybe you like the coziness of the camper and it's probably very quiet. Those are chilly temps for California - it chilly and raining here too but that's not too unusual this time of year. It was hot last week. Today was supposed to be track and field for my youngest but I think it's cancelled. TC wolfie

Lynn you are just precious.(I know I am mushy,but I really appreciate those who are kind enough to interact with me,especially since I complain alot lol.)I just wanted to thank you.Huggs.~W~

You're very welcome ((wolfie)). I'm happy to support you and I don't think you're whiney.Thank you for your kind words.