[siljie]

I've just been feeling really down and depressed today, and I feel like I need to rant about it since I've nobody to talk to in real life... Just the fact that Erica is gone now has put a cloud above my head today. I didn't know her very well, but the thought just seems so depressing... that she was here, that we were talking. And then she's just gone so soon after. Dead. Gone. Those kinds of things always blow my mind for some reason. No longer here, gone...

My PTSD feelings, that I thought were FINALLY beginning to fade a bit, have sprung back to life the past few weeks and I feel like I'm sinking into the darkness of abuse again. I constantly am fighting away these memories and tears that just wont GO AWAY! No matter how hard I try to keep them away... they just keep coming back. Keeping coming back. Keep coming back.

Anyway today I woke up with a dreadful headache that decided to last the entire day. I've been sick since the beginning of April(seriously!) with a weird mix of what seems like a cough and allergies that I've successfully spread to everyone else living in my house.

We've had final exams and tests at school today which I know I can't have done my best on with so much on my mind. So there is this boy who I have liked for a really, really long time... and I know he doesnt like me back, so I've been trying to put it on the backburner recently. but one of my really good friends tells me that he asked her out on a date. She knew I liked him and I'm really glad she asked me first because she didnt want it to hurt my feelings if she said yes without asking me. I lied to her and said I was over him and that it is fine if she goes out with him. It hurt me inside but I didnt want to be selfish and keep my friends of dating people just because I like them too but they don't like me.

We got results for the exams we took earlier this year(the biggest ones of the year) and I KNEW I was going to ace them, like I always do. Ive never made anything below a 95 on those tests and I've been taking them since like 3rd grade. But it turns out I DIDN'T get commended on them! I flipped out. I just felt soo bad about myself for not making the grades I know I should have! I was sick when I took those tests too, and I think the problem must have been that I didnt bubble them correctly.. because I know the material!!! UGH! How could I have been so stupid?!?!

And in 7th period I just hate hate hate hearing my old best friend just making plans to have a party and go to the movies on sunday with these girls in the same row as me. Is it really so necessary to rub it in my face that Im not good enough for you anymore just because I dont meet your standards??

I dont know, Ive just felt really really awful today... more so than usual. just needed to get some of that out.

[Leed]

Wow, you've got alot on your mind right now. I'm sorry that it's such a rough time for you.

The fact that Erica is bound to bring back some feelings in you that you thought that you had put to "bed." But they are going to spring back every now and then ~ you can't stop people from dying ~ that's a part of life, and it's going to keep happening, unfortunately. You and your therapist will have to come up with better coping strategies ~ something isn't working.

Then not doing as well on your grades as you thought was a "downer." When you're stressed, it's hard to concentrate ~ and you were certainly stressed.

Girls can be so hateful sometimes. They invite a bunch of girls and then leave one out. That is painful ~ but why not have your own get-to-gether?? Ask some girlfriends to YOUR house or to go to the movie with YOU? Get a bunch together and you and your friends can have a great time together, and perhaps have a coke/pepsi afterwards. It could be a lot of fun!

I wish you the very best hon. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[siljie]

I'm starting up with a new therapist in June, and hopefully this one will be a lot more effective than the last. Thankss for the support. This summer I want to have a rave with the new black and strobe lights my sister got for her sweet sixteen. We'll see how it works out,