[Elana05]

I just started a new job. I haven't worked for over a year and I am also trying to change my attitudes toward (outside) work. It has always made me feel especially depressed because I imagine these people want more from me than I am able to give . I think this comes from my past. As a kid I had to (basically) take care of my mom because she couldn't always take care of herself and that felt like a job to me at a young age.
That being said, I have been in therapy a lot over this year so I am trying to make this opportunity different from the past. I have to. I've always let work make me depressed and toss me into a downward spiral where I feel like my true-self disappears for the sake of my job.
But now my partner is asking stuff of me. Just stuff like "why can't we go away this weekend etc." I have explained to her that I am spent. I just don't have the extra energy to pack and go away and that she is welcome to, I won't mind. But I am left feeling like nothing I do is ever good enough. I know I have needed to get a job... and now that I am there it is a lot of work, mainly trying to be self-aware and make it a more sustainable experience. I know this is an old voice that tells me, "no matter how hard you try it won't be enough for everybody." I know I just need to take care of myself. But it is difficult at this moment. I love my partner (very much) but sometimes I feel frustrated with her and with everyone else who "needs things" from me. I have a fantasy of going off by myself where no one can find me.

[lynn P.]

(((Elana))) - so sorry you feel overwhelmed ATM. You explained yourself very well here, so I think you should share this with your partner. Tell her that you just need time to get used the new work routine and that she's free to go place if she likes. Let her know you need some TLC and patience. Give youself permission to take care of your needs. Hope it get better for you soon.